construction (4th edit)

[just mercedes]

Hi vagabond - I've noted a few comments on the lines - as to the title, you describe demolition, not construction. Lots of rhymes, internal and end line, but they feel overdone to me, and the sense is ignored, to accommodate them.




construction
 
just the faintest vibration in my frontal lobe
indicates the sledge-hammer again is at work. Word inversion stands out
but the noise reaches neither my ears nor my mouth, How can noise reach a mouth?
nor is there pain, cause the brain is a marvel because, or 'cause, or 'cos - cause has a different meaning
containing itself.
the hammer crushes something to pieces anew, 'anew'? It's crushed the same something to pieces previously? Stretching for a rhyme.
they´re planning more skyskrapers blocking the view.
heaven´s anyway gray, like over pompeji, 'anyway' doesn't make sense to me - should be Pompeii
clouds of ashes and dust and a thick neural crust
over brittle affections, illegal connections. this line doesn't make sense to me
like cold lava creeping the concrete obstructs  'like's too close together - 'obstruct' is a verb
all the secret game trails and dusty tear ducts. unlikely there's any game trails, if a building is being demolished - tears feels a bit overblown for the subject of the poem

any type of comment is appreciated. maybe someone knows a better title for this