06-21-2017, 11:54 AM
Hi joecarey123
As I read your poem I thought about a beautiful woman I saw in a video who crossed over many lanes of treacherous traffic on foot to save an injured pup trapped next to a barrier wall. I saw her as brave and I wondered who was filming the entire event as she picked up the animal and brought him back to her car. She saved him, rescued him as hundreds zoomed past. It was sad and victorious all at once.
What a hole. - I thought about the world, but if it is a person, I would want this line omitted. Unless
the writer's intent is to disclose the speaker's hatred for another.
You slump against the stall while -this made me think of a heroin junky in a bathroom, slumping
mopeds with sweaty pipes for seats flit by. -cheap, junky, vehicles
Tires squawk to ravish your ears, -squawk seems displaced
noises twirl to sicken your eyes,
ever-rising through the hot
gas
of the asphalt.
A groan of agitation
yanks
you on. Abandoning
the stall's delights,
tapping your holster stuffed with sanitiser, -interesting, germ killer?
you skirt round beggar boys, - okay, a female
insulted. -how is she insulted?
Your thoughts fixate on what it all
ought
to be,
and you welcome the embarrassment,
tied to your coccyx
like a sack of spuds. -she's now a dog with her tail between her legs?
It won't move in a hurry,
because you were made by
better,
by clear complexions
and the dainty chink of glass. these two lines are descriptive, but it doesn't make sense why she's in a stall?
This place holds no seat
in your repertoire of Emirates ventures. shouldn't Emirates be singular?
But then it catches, love this, because it is something most can relate to
like a toenail in cotton. and it is indicative of an attention grabber
A mongrel, this is the part that reminded me of the video
dirty and doe-eyed,
hobbles
into the road,
right into the purview of a
thoughtless, steel fender.
The driver screams,
but no-one looks away,
and you
watch
you watch,
and won't avert your eyes
for any other sight
in your
better,
cleaner world. -great 6 lines here.
As reader I am gathering anger toward a female who somehow wronged someone else or watched them get hurt in some way and didn't offer help, but I'm not sure. It's as though the speaker is also a spectator watching a watcher, so that's confusing. Though the ending is very strong and the clearest part of the poem, I can't quite understand how it all ties together, but it's probably me, I ate sugar today, because I am addicted. I may have to come back to this again. I apologize for the disorder of my critique, the spacing and wild format.
Best wishes
Janine
As I read your poem I thought about a beautiful woman I saw in a video who crossed over many lanes of treacherous traffic on foot to save an injured pup trapped next to a barrier wall. I saw her as brave and I wondered who was filming the entire event as she picked up the animal and brought him back to her car. She saved him, rescued him as hundreds zoomed past. It was sad and victorious all at once.
What a hole. - I thought about the world, but if it is a person, I would want this line omitted. Unless
the writer's intent is to disclose the speaker's hatred for another.
You slump against the stall while -this made me think of a heroin junky in a bathroom, slumping
mopeds with sweaty pipes for seats flit by. -cheap, junky, vehicles
Tires squawk to ravish your ears, -squawk seems displaced
noises twirl to sicken your eyes,
ever-rising through the hot
gas
of the asphalt.
A groan of agitation
yanks
you on. Abandoning
the stall's delights,
tapping your holster stuffed with sanitiser, -interesting, germ killer?
you skirt round beggar boys, - okay, a female
insulted. -how is she insulted?
Your thoughts fixate on what it all
ought
to be,
and you welcome the embarrassment,
tied to your coccyx
like a sack of spuds. -she's now a dog with her tail between her legs?
It won't move in a hurry,
because you were made by
better,
by clear complexions
and the dainty chink of glass. these two lines are descriptive, but it doesn't make sense why she's in a stall?
This place holds no seat
in your repertoire of Emirates ventures. shouldn't Emirates be singular?
But then it catches, love this, because it is something most can relate to
like a toenail in cotton. and it is indicative of an attention grabber
A mongrel, this is the part that reminded me of the video
dirty and doe-eyed,
hobbles
into the road,
right into the purview of a
thoughtless, steel fender.
The driver screams,
but no-one looks away,
and you
watch
you watch,
and won't avert your eyes
for any other sight
in your
better,
cleaner world. -great 6 lines here.
As reader I am gathering anger toward a female who somehow wronged someone else or watched them get hurt in some way and didn't offer help, but I'm not sure. It's as though the speaker is also a spectator watching a watcher, so that's confusing. Though the ending is very strong and the clearest part of the poem, I can't quite understand how it all ties together, but it's probably me, I ate sugar today, because I am addicted. I may have to come back to this again. I apologize for the disorder of my critique, the spacing and wild format.
Best wishes
Janine
there's always a better reason to love