05-30-2017, 09:01 AM
Hi, spirit, welcome to the Pen. 
So it seems to what you have here is broken couplets, I'll unbreak them to get a clearer look:
I think full punctuation would suit this poem.
On to rhyme: I would suggest trying to stretch for more complex rhymes, aside from the use of snout they're all pretty common and IMO take away from the poem instead of adding to it.
As for meaning you could clarify a bit but I like the welcoming light becoming the enemy.
You have something to work with, looking forward to seeing where you decide to take this.
So it seems to what you have here is broken couplets, I'll unbreak them to get a clearer look:
(05-30-2017, 02:06 AM)spiritthebrave Wrote: I see a fire warm and brightYou have a pretty good handle on the meter with some bumps here and there I'm sure could be easily smoothed out. Try reading it formatted like this and you'll probably be able to spot the bumps yourself.
welcome me from dark of night
The path before me now seems clear
and with the clarity comes great fear
The monsters they have been revealed
it seems that my fate is now sealed
Perhaps a battle will breakout
he'll break my leg I'll swipe his snout
Perhaps quick death will be my fate
quite gory he won't hesitate
I'm bathed in fear I'm numb with fright
The end is near I see the light
And damn you light you've caused this all
your luring draw has been my fall
I think full punctuation would suit this poem.
On to rhyme: I would suggest trying to stretch for more complex rhymes, aside from the use of snout they're all pretty common and IMO take away from the poem instead of adding to it.
As for meaning you could clarify a bit but I like the welcoming light becoming the enemy.
You have something to work with, looking forward to seeing where you decide to take this.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips