The light
#2
(05-30-2017, 02:06 AM)spiritthebrave Wrote:  I see a fire
warm and bright i think you could find better words to describe a fire.
welcome me i see a fire welcoming
from dark of night

The path before me 
now seems clear
and with the clarity this line seems redundant.
comes great fear

The monsters
they have been revealed don't need 'they'.
it seems that my fate
is now sealed

Perhaps a battle 
will breakout space between 'break' and 'out'.
he'll break my leg
I'll swipe his snout not human, huh?

Perhaps quick death
will be my fate
quite gory
he won't hesitate these last two lines are like stranded islands... no connection to the other lines.

I'm bathed in fear
I'm numb with fright
The end is near
I see the light minor nitpick but the rhyme scheme in this stanza is different from all the rest.

And damn you light
you've caused this all
your luring draw
has been my fall
i think this poem makes heavy use of cliche- fire, that mythical light at the end of the tunnel, monsters- and would be much better if more unique insight or detail was added. everyone at some point in their lives is fearful, and everyone faces their monsters. what makes yours different? what about this light do i not know?

best of luck if you intend to edit Smile hope this helps, if only slightly.
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Messages In This Thread
The light - by spiritthebrave - 05-30-2017, 02:06 AM
RE: The light - by fluorescent.43 - 05-30-2017, 02:59 AM
RE: The light - by spiritthebrave - 05-30-2017, 05:47 AM
RE: The light - by CRNDLSM - 05-30-2017, 04:54 AM
RE: The light - by Richard - 05-30-2017, 08:19 AM
RE: The light - by ellajam - 05-30-2017, 09:01 AM
RE: The light - by TrashPanda333 - 06-21-2017, 02:30 PM
RE: The light - by JKBetts - 06-25-2017, 01:56 AM



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