The Artist
#17
I love the twist at the end, the spilling of blood and the symbollism.

However, and this is coming from an absolute beginner, I'm not so sure about the prose parts; eg the excessive wording.  It kinda feels like I'm reading sentences in a book, not words from a soul (again, this is coming from a newbie so what do I know?)

Some examples:

Quote:"Her salty tears gave complexity to the colors she brushed on the page."


I'm not sure salty needs to be said.  Tears are inherently salty.  I feel like a different adjective could take this place or taken out altogether.  If it were me I would write

Quote:Her tears brought complex colors, brushed upon the page

But that's just me.


Quote:Each color thanked her for making them come alive.

The predicate stands on its own fairly well, you don't need the "coming alive" part imo. You could rewrite this to: "Each color thanked her for their birth" or "Each color thanked her for life"


Quote:Green then exclaimed,

Drop the "then".  I don't like it for some reason.  


Quote:With each drop I become the very thing I sought”.


Change "the very thing" to "what" and it will look cleaner

Quote:Whose deep and passionate color came from the blood of the artist herself,


Drop "from the blood of" to clean this up as well.

All in all, I love the premise, but I don't really like the wordiness of it.  thats just a personal preference, although.


Messages In This Thread
The Artist - by bestoweroflight - 02-01-2017, 03:49 AM
RE: The Artist - by CRNDLSM - 02-01-2017, 04:50 AM
RE: The Artist - by Magpie - 02-01-2017, 04:52 AM
RE: The Artist - by Donald Q. - 02-01-2017, 05:02 AM
RE: The Artist - by bestoweroflight - 02-01-2017, 06:57 AM
RE: The Artist - by Wonderfullife - 02-03-2017, 04:08 AM
RE: The Artist - by Coquette16 - 02-07-2017, 01:16 PM
RE: The Artist - by hesawacko - 02-08-2017, 02:17 AM
RE: The Artist - by Mark Cecil - 02-13-2017, 07:23 AM
RE: The Artist - by ponykeeper - 02-14-2017, 11:23 AM
RE: The Artist - by mcauburn - 02-24-2017, 05:38 AM
RE: The Artist - by Shelrabbi - 02-25-2017, 04:57 PM
RE: The Artist - by nibbed - 02-25-2017, 05:28 PM
RE: The Artist - by litQueen - 02-27-2017, 12:42 AM
RE: The Artist - by alyssa - 03-09-2017, 11:09 AM
RE: The Artist - by operadiva - 03-10-2017, 05:25 AM
RE: The Artist - by AttnAttack - 03-12-2017, 02:10 PM
RE: The Artist - by spiritthebrave - 06-26-2017, 02:24 PM
RE: The Artist - by Pat Doiron - 07-18-2017, 06:21 AM
RE: The Artist - by Wright - 07-26-2017, 01:09 PM
RE: The Artist - by Leanne - 07-27-2017, 03:59 AM



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