03-12-2017, 02:10 PM
I love the twist at the end, the spilling of blood and the symbollism.
However, and this is coming from an absolute beginner, I'm not so sure about the prose parts; eg the excessive wording. It kinda feels like I'm reading sentences in a book, not words from a soul (again, this is coming from a newbie so what do I know?)
Some examples:
I'm not sure salty needs to be said. Tears are inherently salty. I feel like a different adjective could take this place or taken out altogether. If it were me I would write
But that's just me.
The predicate stands on its own fairly well, you don't need the "coming alive" part imo. You could rewrite this to: "Each color thanked her for their birth" or "Each color thanked her for life"
Drop the "then". I don't like it for some reason.
Change "the very thing" to "what" and it will look cleaner
Drop "from the blood of" to clean this up as well.
All in all, I love the premise, but I don't really like the wordiness of it. thats just a personal preference, although.
However, and this is coming from an absolute beginner, I'm not so sure about the prose parts; eg the excessive wording. It kinda feels like I'm reading sentences in a book, not words from a soul (again, this is coming from a newbie so what do I know?)
Some examples:
Quote:"Her salty tears gave complexity to the colors she brushed on the page."
I'm not sure salty needs to be said. Tears are inherently salty. I feel like a different adjective could take this place or taken out altogether. If it were me I would write
Quote:Her tears brought complex colors, brushed upon the page
But that's just me.
Quote:Each color thanked her for making them come alive.
The predicate stands on its own fairly well, you don't need the "coming alive" part imo. You could rewrite this to: "Each color thanked her for their birth" or "Each color thanked her for life"
Quote:Green then exclaimed,
Drop the "then". I don't like it for some reason.
Quote:With each drop I become the very thing I sought”.
Change "the very thing" to "what" and it will look cleaner
Quote:Whose deep and passionate color came from the blood of the artist herself,
Drop "from the blood of" to clean this up as well.
All in all, I love the premise, but I don't really like the wordiness of it. thats just a personal preference, although.