“Cycles past”

[Pat Doiron]

lines in italic have been edited


The moon phases
Its thumbnail expression scrapes across the night sky
The stars glean their glint as though in my eye

There they sit lighting what was never lit
Guiding me as it would be the days past
What do they tell me starring down
Countless, like members of some race
Come to face the facts of going back to the place from whence I came.

I am tamed by the fields of light over the darkened backdrop
Each star the symbol of a thought I once entertained
In that which was once a day.



hummm kinda had to restructure a bit for it to make sense to me. i think it may flow a little better with the cuts i made although i find i lose to much of the "feeling" if I'd go any further....

your thoughts?



original

The moon phases, its thumbnail expression scraping across the night sky
The stars glean there glint as though in my eye,
I watch the night pass me by from dusk till dawn
They sit lighting what was never lit.
Guiding me as it would be the days past.
 
A laps in time.
 
What do they tell me starring down
Their countless numbers, like members of some race
Come to face the facts of going back to the place from whence I came.
I am tamed by the fields of light over the darkened backdrop
Each star the symbol of a thought I once entertained
In that which was once a day.


I'm gonna have to start writing these in the correct format... when i sit down to write it just comes out in paragraphs, kinda makes it hard to time/divide

[Todd]

You have some good moments here. I think it may be stronger though with a few cuts. Here are some thoughts for you.

The moon phases, its thumbnail expression scraping across the night sky--This could probably be three lines though that's a style choice: The moon phases/its thumbnail expression/scraping across the night sky
However you want to do the layout, I think you could perhaps change scraping to scrapes and cut across.
The stars glean there glint as though in my eye, --Not a fan of glean there. I think cutting wouldn't hurt meaning or tone.
I watch the night pass me by from dusk till dawn--This line doesn't add much and dusk til dawn is fairly cliche. 
They sit lighting what was never lit.--If you did cut the last line you could cut "They sit" 
Guiding me as it would be the days past. --perhaps substitute it would be the with "in"
 
A laps in time. --Typo lapse
 
What do they tell me starring down
Their countless numbers, like members of some race --slight cuts "their" and "numbers"
Come to face the facts of going back to the place from whence I came.
I am tamed by the fields of light over the darkened backdrop
Each star the symbol of a thought I once entertained
In that which was once a day.


I'm gonna have to start writing these in the correct format... when i sit down to write it just comes out in paragraphs, kinda makes it hard to time/divide

I just noticed this was in basic. So, I'll stop. I think you get my point. There are some good thoughts here. I'd just look to cut off some of the fat to emphasize more of the good lines and themes.

I might have went a bit in depth for the forum. I hope it helped though.

Best,

Todd

[Pat Doiron]

You have some good moments here. I think it may be stronger though with a few cuts. Here are some thoughts for you.

The moon phases, its thumbnail expression scraping across the night sky--This could probably be three lines though that's a style choice: The moon phases/its thumbnail expression/scraping across the night sky
However you want to do the layout, I think you could perhaps change scraping to scrapes and cut across.
The stars glean there glint as though in my eye, --Not a fan of glean there. I think cutting wouldn't hurt meaning or tone.
I watch the night pass me by from dusk till dawn--This line doesn't add much and dusk til dawn is fairly cliche. 
They sit lighting what was never lit.--If you did cut the last line you could cut "They sit" 
Guiding me as it would be the days past. --perhaps substitute it would be the with "in"
 
A laps in time. --Typo lapse
 
What do they tell me starring down
Their countless numbers, like members of some race --slight cuts "their" and "numbers"
Come to face the facts of going back to the place from whence I came.
I am tamed by the fields of light over the darkened backdrop
Each star the symbol of a thought I once entertained
In that which was once a day.


I'm gonna have to start writing these in the correct format... when i sit down to write it just comes out in paragraphs, kinda makes it hard to time/divide

I just noticed this was in basic. So, I'll stop. I think you get my point. There are some good thoughts here. I'd just look to cut off some of the fat to emphasize more of the good lines and themes.

I might have went a bit in depth for the forum. I hope it helped though.

Best,

Todd

supper duper Todd!! yeah, what's worst is i cut like a crap load of stuff out of it before the post lol, i agree with pretty much all of your suggestions and no worries about the depth of your critique, I'm used to being critiqued... I'm gonna rewrite it and see how i feel about it

Thank you much.

[Lydish]

The moon phases
Its thumbnail expression scrapes across the night sky
The stars glean their glint as though in my eye do you mean "gleam" instead of "glean"? Not sure how a star would glean its glint.

There they sit lighting what was never lit You could be more specific, instead of "what"
Guiding me as it would be the days past Guiding me as in days past maybe? I think you're using too many words to express this idea, and it's a bit clunky.
What do they tell me starring down Did you mean to do the pun with "Starring down", or do you mean staring down?
Countless, like members of some race I would take out the "like"
Come to face the facts of going back to the place from whence I came. I want to say this line is a bit long, "come to face the facts of going back to my place" maybe?

I am tamed by the fields of light over the darkened backdrop Have you thought about putting this in active voice? "Fields of light / over darkened backdrops / tamed me"
Each star the symbol of a thought I once entertained
In that which was once a day.

I think you start off really strong. The moon's thumbnail expression scraping the night sky is a really great image. Take my line edits with a grain of salt, since they're kind of stylistic preferences. However, I would definitely suggest to read this aloud, exactly as you've written, when you do your next edits. I think with a bit of polish, it would read much more smoothly

Good work, and good luck!

[PoetScum]

Mandatory warning: I’m a noob.

Anyways.

I like the first 3 lines, because I completely understand them.

From that point you lost me. I read several times aloud and nothing coherent comes in my minds eye while reading lines 5-8. I understand what I read, but no images appear in my mind.

And then again your writing hooks me for the lines 9 and 10, but loses for the very last one.

It’s really difficult to even suggest any specific changes for the words/lines on the hand because I’m a noobie, on the other hand because I don’t know what exactly you want say in your second stanza.

[fuzzyllama1]

lines in italic have been edited


The moon phases
Its thumbnail expression scrapes across the night sky
The stars glean their glint as though in my eye

There they sit lighting what was never lit
Guiding me as it would be the days past
What do they tell me starring down
Countless, like members of some race
Come to face the facts of going back to the place from whence I came.

I am tamed by the fields of light over the darkened backdrop
Each star the symbol of a thought I once entertained
In that which was once a day.

I see a possible change. It may change the meaning you are trying to convey, it may strengthen it.

"The stars glean their glint as though my eye"

The flow seems a bit off now, but getting rid of the "in" gives a stronger connection between your eye and the stars as if they are truly the same thing rather than simply appearing to be so. A few other lines also go along with this theme.

"They sit lighting what was never lit" 

A person's eyes have the same purpose as the stars, in this case, lighting things up that otherwise would be invisible to us. The stars illuminating our minds (as stated in the last paragraph "Each star the symbol of a thought I once entertained"), our eyes illuminating the world around us.

I think the change would be dependent on how strong of a connection you want between the stars and your eyes. Do you want to seem far away, yet barely connected or do you want them to feel close, intimate, almost one in the same?

[Pat Doiron]

lines in italic have been edited


The moon phases
Its thumbnail expression scrapes across the night sky
The stars glean their glint as though in my eye

There they sit lighting what was never lit
Guiding me as it would be the days past
What do they tell me starring down
Countless, like members of some race
Come to face the facts of going back to the place from whence I came.

I am tamed by the fields of light over the darkened backdrop
Each star the symbol of a thought I once entertained
In that which was once a day.

I see a possible change. It may change the meaning you are trying to convey, it may strengthen it.

"The stars glean their glint as though my eye"

The flow seems a bit off now, but getting rid of the "in" gives a stronger connection between your eye and the stars as if they are truly the same thing rather than simply appearing to be so. A few other lines also go along with this theme.

"They sit lighting what was never lit" 

A person's eyes have the same purpose as the stars, in this case, lighting things up that otherwise would be invisible to us. The stars illuminating our minds (as stated in the last paragraph "Each star the symbol of a thought I once entertained"), our eyes illuminating the world around us.

I think the change would be dependent on how strong of a connection you want between the stars and your eyes. Do you want to seem far away, yet barely connected or do you want them to feel close, intimate, almost one in the same?

hey fuzzyllama1, your comment is note worthy, I've been debating weather or not to change that line based on others comments and my own observations, thanks for your comment