Posts: 8
Threads: 1
Joined: Jul 2017
*Please bear with me if lyrics/raps are not allowed, just thought about giving it a try. Most do say poems can be read in the melody of a song, so why not post one? It's also a WIP for the moment*
- v e r s e 1 -
Turn the knob,
Water flow
Fuck it all,
Watch me go
Turn the knob,
Water flow
Fuck it all,
Watch me go
Is this what we've come to?
A depressing population
Craving domination
This is what we've come to
You only order waters
Small salad or appetizer
I offer the food on my plate 'cause you need it
You say you're on diet, bullshit
Your heart is too heavy to hold in, so much so you sleep in
Now you're always sleeping
Too tired to even eat
Some days you even struggle to get the straw in
I can't watch this, it's not something I can beat
You're sick inside, and there's no place for you to hide
I thought it was all in your mind
So I tried to get it clear
But breakfast, lunch, and dinner
There needs to be a water near
And that's even if you're hungry
You say, "baby if you love me
Then stop all this worry"
Honey, I can't simply just be happy
When the love of your life dying
In your hands
I dreamed we'd be in distant lands
I couldn't see you in my dreams
I don't know what that means
Were you dead? Were you home?
Thirsty is your new hungry
And you're always telling me
"Baby I'm so thirsty
Can you fetch another bottle"
I don't mean to be mean
But you could use this snack as well
You ask me if your beautiful
I'm quiet
- p r e c h o r u s -
Don't you dare say you're not pretty enough
Don't tell me I do this blind in love
Don't you dare say that you're of
A species, of a race of nothing but
- c h o r u s -
Skin and bone
I am nothing to behold
I have nothing left, nothing left
Look at what you've done to me
Skin and bone is all I'll ever be
There's so little for you to see
Nothing left, nothing left
All the wire has run too dry, your brain has taken it's time of leave
Your thoughts are mixed up, you say skinny is the new pretty
Everything that you did, you've done, is now hidden up your sleeve
This is not who you're supposed be
Any feedback is welcome: if you enjoyed it, hated it, etc... please be sure to notify me why 
Raspberry Lemonde, Aced and Arrowed
Smooth is my tongue,
Sharper are my teeth
Posts: 952
Threads: 225
Joined: Aug 2016
(07-18-2017, 06:35 AM)Raspberry Lemonade Wrote: *Please bear with me if lyrics/raps are not allowed, just thought about giving it a try. Most do say poems can be read in the melody of a song, so why not post one? It's also a WIP for the moment*
- v e r s e 1 - I was expecting more verses
Turn the knob,
Water flow
Fuck it all,
Watch me go
Turn the knob,
Water flow
Fuck it all,
Watch me go Sounds like a mantra in the shower, but could mean anything,
Is this what we've come to?
A depressing population
Craving domination
This is what we've come to
You only order waters
Small salad or appetizer population eating light metaphorically? Cause obesitys pretty big
I offer the food on my plate 'cause you need it
You say you're on diet, bullshit
Your heart is too heavy to hold in, so much so you sleep in
Now you're always sleeping
Too tired to even eat eating lightly cause their tired ahh
Some days you even struggle to get the straw in
I can't watch this, it's not something I can beat
You're sick inside, and there's no place for you to hide
I thought it was all in your mind is it still a metaphor?
So I tried to get it clear
But breakfast, lunch, and dinner
There needs to be a water near
And that's even if you're hungry
You say, "baby if you love me
Then stop all this worry" anorexia is awful, ketosis
Honey, I can't simply just be happy
When the love of your life dying
In your hands
I dreamed we'd be in distant lands
I couldn't see you in my dreams
I don't know what that means
Were you dead? Were you home? This line does nothing for me
Thirsty is your new hungry
And you're always telling me
"Baby I'm so thirsty
Can you fetch another bottle"
I don't mean to be mean
But you could use this snack as well
You ask me if your beautiful
I'm quiet tough spot, you don't want to encourage unhealthy behavior
- p r e c h o r u s -
Don't you dare say you're not pretty enough
Don't tell me I do this blind in love careful with pronouns, consistency is key
Don't you dare say that you're of
A species, of a race of nothing but interesting spat
- c h o r u s -
Skin and bone
I am nothing to behold
I have nothing left, nothing left
Look at what you've done to me
Skin and bone is all I'll ever be
There's so little for you to see
Nothing left, nothing left sad and one sided, but what isnt?
All the wire has run too dry, your brain has taken it's time of leave
Your thoughts are mixed up, you say skinny is the new pretty
Everything that you did, you've done, is now hidden up your sleeve
This is not who you're supposed be
Skinny is the new pretty takes away from the universality of this last block, without it, you could open a second verse about other things in a similar vein.
Hope this helps
Any feedback is welcome: if you enjoyed it, hated it, etc... please be sure to notify me why
Raspberry Lemonde, Aced and Arrowed
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Posts: 8
Threads: 1
Joined: Jul 2017
(07-19-2017, 10:33 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: (07-18-2017, 06:35 AM)Raspberry Lemonade Wrote: *Please bear with me if lyrics/raps are not allowed, just thought about giving it a try. Most do say poems can be read in the melody of a song, so why not post one? It's also a WIP for the moment*
- v e r s e 1 - I was expecting more verses
Turn the knob,
Water flow
Fuck it all,
Watch me go
Turn the knob,
Water flow
Fuck it all,
Watch me go Sounds like a mantra in the shower, but could mean anything,
Is this what we've come to?
A depressing population
Craving domination
This is what we've come to
You only order waters
Small salad or appetizer population eating light metaphorically? Cause obesitys pretty big
I offer the food on my plate 'cause you need it
You say you're on diet, bullshit
Your heart is too heavy to hold in, so much so you sleep in
Now you're always sleeping
Too tired to even eat eating lightly cause their tired ahh
Some days you even struggle to get the straw in
I can't watch this, it's not something I can beat
You're sick inside, and there's no place for you to hide
I thought it was all in your mind is it still a metaphor?
So I tried to get it clear
But breakfast, lunch, and dinner
There needs to be a water near
And that's even if you're hungry
You say, "baby if you love me
Then stop all this worry" anorexia is awful, ketosis
Honey, I can't simply just be happy
When the love of your life dying
In your hands
I dreamed we'd be in distant lands
I couldn't see you in my dreams
I don't know what that means
Were you dead? Were you home? This line does nothing for me
Thirsty is your new hungry
And you're always telling me
"Baby I'm so thirsty
Can you fetch another bottle"
I don't mean to be mean
But you could use this snack as well
You ask me if your beautiful
I'm quiet tough spot, you don't want to encourage unhealthy behavior
- p r e c h o r u s -
Don't you dare say you're not pretty enough
Don't tell me I do this blind in love careful with pronouns, consistency is key
Don't you dare say that you're of
A species, of a race of nothing but interesting spat
- c h o r u s -
Skin and bone
I am nothing to behold
I have nothing left, nothing left
Look at what you've done to me
Skin and bone is all I'll ever be
There's so little for you to see
Nothing left, nothing left sad and one sided, but what isnt?
All the wire has run too dry, your brain has taken it's time of leave
Your thoughts are mixed up, you say skinny is the new pretty
Everything that you did, you've done, is now hidden up your sleeve
This is not who you're supposed be
Skinny is the new pretty takes away from the universality of this last block, without it, you could open a second verse about other things in a similar vein.
Hope this helps
Any feedback is welcome: if you enjoyed it, hated it, etc... please be sure to notify me why
Raspberry Lemonde, Aced and Arrowed
Ah, thank you for the help. I'll be sure to look into some things you've pointed out, and hopely post it soon... maybe with a new verse (: and I agree with the part about "Skinny is the new pretty," I've been told to explore different topics throughout a song and I already have an idea on the second verse, so I got to start thinking on changing the line. It's well appreciated :0 as for the line that hasn't done much, I'll review it and see if it's neccesary (since I make every line mean something mentally, lol)
Again, thank you for reviewing. I was getting worried that people didn't like it since I saw the views getting higher D;
Raspberry Lemonade, Aced and Arrowed
Smooth is my tongue,
Sharper are my teeth
Posts: 13
Threads: 3
Joined: Jul 2017
(07-18-2017, 06:35 AM)Raspberry Lemonade Wrote: *Please bear with me if lyrics/raps are not allowed, just thought about giving it a try. Most do say poems can be read in the melody of a song, so why not post one? It's also a WIP for the moment*
- v e r s e 1 -
Turn the knob,
Water flow
Fuck it all,
Watch me go
Turn the knob,
Water flow
Fuck it all,
Watch me go not a big fan of this part but i get why it's there
Is this what we've come to?
A depressing population
Craving domination
This is what we've come to
You only order waters
Small salad or appetizer
I offer the food on my plate 'cause you need it
You say you're on diet, bullshit
Your heart is too heavy to hold in, so much so you sleep in
Now you're always sleeping " sleepin' "??
Too tired to even eat
Some days you even struggle to get the straw in
I can't watch this, it's not something I can beat
You're sick inside, and there's no place for you to hide I find it kinda looses rhythm around here but then again, you must have a beat to it
I thought it was all in your mind
So I tried to get it clear
But breakfast, lunch, and dinner
There needs to be a water near
And that's even if you're hungry
You say, "baby if you love me
Then stop all this worry" From my last comment to this point i like. i think it would sound good when spoken or rapped lol
Honey, I can't simply just be happy
When the love of your life dying
In your hands
I dreamed we'd be in distant lands )
I couldn't see you in my dreams ) although a bit on the cheesy side (I'm a cheese ball anyway lol) i like it
I don't know what that means )
Were you dead? Were you home? as commented before... i don't feel this line
Thirsty is your new hungry
And you're always telling me
"Baby I'm so thirsty
Can you fetch another bottle"
I don't mean to be mean
But you could use this snack as well i would try and rephrase this somehow
You ask me if your beautiful
I'm quiet
- p r e c h o r u s -
Don't you dare say you're not pretty enough
Don't tell me I do this blind in love
Don't you dare say that you're of i don't understand these 2 lines, i find it reads funny like it's missing something... prob sound good when rapped with a beat but the words are out of place... only my opinion however 
A species, of a race of nothing but
- c h o r u s -
Skin and bone
I am nothing to behold
I have nothing left, nothing left
Look at what you've done to me playing the blame game, nice touch for the subject matter
Skin and bone is all I'll ever be
There's so little for you to see
Nothing left, nothing left
All the wire has run too dry, your brain has taken it's time of leave
Your thoughts are mixed up, you say skinny is the new pretty
Everything that you did, you've done, is now hidden up your sleeve
This is not who you're supposed be I like this last piece, i like the wording
Any feedback is welcome: if you enjoyed it, hated it, etc... please be sure to notify me why
Raspberry Lemonde, Aced and Arrowed
Hardcore subject matter here, may not appeal to many but is truth none the less. not a big fan of rap per-say but i like allot of the lyrics and the way you present the subject, nice for a WIP
Posts: 8
Threads: 1
Joined: Jul 2017
(07-20-2017, 04:29 AM)Pat Doiron Wrote: (07-18-2017, 06:35 AM)Raspberry Lemonade Wrote: *Please bear with me if lyrics/raps are not allowed, just thought about giving it a try. Most do say poems can be read in the melody of a song, so why not post one? It's also a WIP for the moment*
- v e r s e 1 -
Turn the knob,
Water flow
Fuck it all,
Watch me go
Turn the knob,
Water flow
Fuck it all,
Watch me go not a big fan of this part but i get why it's there
Is this what we've come to?
A depressing population
Craving domination
This is what we've come to
You only order waters
Small salad or appetizer
I offer the food on my plate 'cause you need it
You say you're on diet, bullshit
Your heart is too heavy to hold in, so much so you sleep in
Now you're always sleeping " sleepin' "??
Too tired to even eat
Some days you even struggle to get the straw in
I can't watch this, it's not something I can beat
You're sick inside, and there's no place for you to hide I find it kinda looses rhythm around here but then again, you must have a beat to it
I thought it was all in your mind
So I tried to get it clear
But breakfast, lunch, and dinner
There needs to be a water near
And that's even if you're hungry
You say, "baby if you love me
Then stop all this worry" From my last comment to this point i like. i think it would sound good when spoken or rapped lol
Honey, I can't simply just be happy
When the love of your life dying
In your hands
I dreamed we'd be in distant lands )
I couldn't see you in my dreams ) although a bit on the cheesy side (I'm a cheese ball anyway lol) i like it
I don't know what that means )
Were you dead? Were you home? as commented before... i don't feel this line
Thirsty is your new hungry
And you're always telling me
"Baby I'm so thirsty
Can you fetch another bottle"
I don't mean to be mean
But you could use this snack as well i would try and rephrase this somehow
You ask me if your beautiful
I'm quiet
- p r e c h o r u s -
Don't you dare say you're not pretty enough
Don't tell me I do this blind in love
Don't you dare say that you're of i don't understand these 2 lines, i find it reads funny like it's missing something... prob sound good when rapped with a beat but the words are out of place... only my opinion however :)
A species, of a race of nothing but
- c h o r u s -
Skin and bone
I am nothing to behold
I have nothing left, nothing left
Look at what you've done to me playing the blame game, nice touch for the subject matter
Skin and bone is all I'll ever be
There's so little for you to see
Nothing left, nothing left
All the wire has run too dry, your brain has taken it's time of leave
Your thoughts are mixed up, you say skinny is the new pretty
Everything that you did, you've done, is now hidden up your sleeve
This is not who you're supposed be I like this last piece, i like the wording
Any feedback is welcome: if you enjoyed it, hated it, etc... please be sure to notify me why ;)
Raspberry Lemonde, Aced and Arrowed
Hardcore subject matter here, may not appeal to many but is truth none the less. not a big fan of rap per-say but i like allot of the lyrics and the way you present the subject, nice for a WIP
Thank you for the response! -and I just noticed I misspelled Lemonade, oops. I'm going to try to revise this poem with the help you and the other critiquer has given tonight. It's very much appreciated :D On a side note, I like how mindful you are when mentioning a beat to the song to make it flow better, hehe
Raspberry Lemonade, Aced and Arrowed
Smooth is my tongue,
Sharper are my teeth
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