Can You Hear Me? Edit

[dukealien]

Are you looking down on me,
or are you my friend wishing me well?  could sub "as" for repeated "are you"
Are we just balls of clay for you to play with, nice internal rhyme (one of many throughout)
watching us run around in our physical shells? "roll" or "rattle" to extend the "ball of clay" metaphor
Are you the one burying all our dead babies,  "who buries" to vary the -ing theme?
sitting high in your chair while we burn in hell? "high... chair" instead of throne suggest immature deity:  nice
I'm down on my luck and looking for answers,
does Satan want my soul cause I'm looking to sell.  not sure repeated "looking' here with different meaning quite works
If you sent your only son here to save us,
all that we got is a story to tell.  harsher:  "all we got" or "we got nothing but..."
Under a spell since Lucifer fell,  to whom does this refer, we (humans) or the deity?  unless ambiguity intended, could be clearer.  The idea of God still moping since ol' Morningstar jumped ship is intriguing, but not pursued.
is a whisper sufficient or do I need to yell?  end of the series of alternating-line end-rhymes, nice intensifier
Can you hear me
in this cry for help? actually just recriminations so far:  naive self-revelation?

We set up signs advertising our bodies and minds, definite topic shift here, referring back to "looking to sell"
waiting for the fateful day when we find a buyer.
Delayed gratification is devoid of any meaning
in a world unconcerned with its consuming desire.  I'm not clear on why delay is meaningless from this
When hypocrites make headlines and heathens run the highways,  sounds so good the line is excused from making sense (g)
where are the role models we can admire? another telling self-reveal:  not follow or emulate, merely admire without commitment
Exhausted from all this belligerent preaching,
but silence a singer and be crushed by a choir.  these two lines don't make sense, taken together
With politicians profiteering public opinion, takes a minute to figure out, but this does work
democracy is turning into an empire.
Show yourself soon and save your civilians  here's the actual prayer.  "Civilians" is odd, though:  save the soldiers, too?
before the bombs drop and we burn in the fire.  lose second "the" here
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

Please god, give me faith.  and here is the *real* prayer.  Augustin would add, "but not yet!"

We're screaming your praises around every corner, 
but all that comes out is a crowd of clowns.  confusing image, though arresting.
We've written the laws for equal rights and liberty,
but high paying powers put it up for the pound.  unclear - could "it" be replaced by something like "justice?"
We're killing for income, immoral for oil,  an especially good internal rhyme at the end here
blinding our eyes to the lifeless towns, remove "the" - would also lubricate (g) the alliteration
to make gold-plated hats for a few tiny heads,
for no one will dare wear the thorny crown.  to prevent repeated "for" and speed the read:  "'cause no one will dare to wear the thorny crown."  Refers (as I see it) back to the real "give me faith" prayer.
Your children are dying and trying to hold on.
I hate the way we turn away while watching them drown.  this could be smoother, but not sure how:  all the words are necessary
Forgive us for we know not what we're doing,
please wait to release your hell hounds.  another part of the actual prayer:   "but not yet"
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

I'm not the only one in this world.  there are ways to interpret this (rejecting solipsism, plea for others [who are not as guilty]) but basically it should go, leaving the poem to end on the chorus

Critiquing this as a rap, i.e. lyric, rather than as a prose poem.  However, also including a note or two on  its theology/theodicy.

Tempted by the idea of capitalizing all instances of [Y]ou, [Y]our but there are so many it would become distracting.  Also too formal and would signal definite respect when it's to be ambiguous at most.

The shifts between "I" and "we" are a weakness - might be worth going over the poem to make the "we" speaker consistent or draw a sharper line between speaker and those for whom he's trying to intercede.

On the whole, this comes across as both sincerely concerned and petulant - a hard act, and very representative of attitudes today.  Well done, that!  Without faith, it's hard to lay everything off on God.  Once you have faith, the problem (theodicy) goes away... but faith is so unattractive compared with having Someone to blame, or at least to complain to.