01-29-2017, 11:36 AM
Reads better.
I think S4 is overdoing it, particularly the blame / maim rhyme, which doesn't help the seriousness of the theme.
I think there are too many 'yous' in S5 still.
I actually liked the original moral-of-the-story ending, but this one reads well too.
The personal pronouns make it sound too self conscious in the end. That, and the knowledge that what I'm reading is like Rolf Mengele's son ghost writing Anne Frank's autobiography.
Perhaps if you rewrote it in the voice of your ancestors who hunted the Wiradjuri it might ring more authentic, if make for a harder read.
I think S4 is overdoing it, particularly the blame / maim rhyme, which doesn't help the seriousness of the theme.
I think there are too many 'yous' in S5 still.
I actually liked the original moral-of-the-story ending, but this one reads well too.
The personal pronouns make it sound too self conscious in the end. That, and the knowledge that what I'm reading is like Rolf Mengele's son ghost writing Anne Frank's autobiography.
Perhaps if you rewrote it in the voice of your ancestors who hunted the Wiradjuri it might ring more authentic, if make for a harder read.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe