On Cats - Edit 2

[mrweiner]

On Cats

I'm mad
or at least I'm
headed that direction
no longer at the helm of my
own thoughts.

Before
loneliness sat
beside me unquestioned.
My ever-present companion.
Now though

I smile
I feel new warmth
missing from my bed, its tenant
dreaming sweet nothings from afar
and still

slipping
so gracefully
through my thoughts -- like a cat
between plants in a windowsill
garden.

Bated
I welcome her
recalling what it's like
when you're used to petting a cat
but can't.

Edit 1:
I'm mad,
or at least I'm
headed that direction,
no longer at the helm of my
own thoughts.

Before,
lonliness was
as normal as blinking.
My everpresent companion.
Silent.

But now
I cannot seem 
to make coffee or walk
or waken without her coming
to mind;

smoothly
sliding her way
through my thoughts -- like a cat
between plants in a windowsill
garden.

Of course
I welcome her,
but I know what it's like
when you're used to petting a cat
but can't.

---

Original:

I'm mad,
or at least I'm
headed that direction,
no longer at the helm of my
own thoughts.

Before,
lonliness was
normal as morning dew.
My everpresent companion.
Silent.

But now
I cannot seem 
to make coffee or take
a walk without her joining from
afar;

smoothly
sliding her way
through my thoughts -- like a cat
between plants in a windowsill
garden.

Of course
I welcome her,
but I know what it's like
when you're used to petting a cat
but can't.

[CRNDLSM]

I'm mad,
or at least I'm I like these flipped syllables in this stanza 'or' and 'no', 'i'm and 'my'
headed that direction,
no longer at the helm of my
own thoughts.really like this first stanza

Before,
lonliness was
normal as morning dew. Not sure really how normal morning dew is.
My everpresent companion. Is the morning dew always around?
Silent.

But now
I cannot seem 
to make coffee or takethis line was awkward for me at first
a walk without her joining from ending line on 'from' seems weak
afar;

smoothly
sliding her way
through my thoughts -- like a cat
between plants in a windowsill
garden. Like this image

Of course
I welcome her,
but I know what it's like
when you're used to petting a cat
but can't.of madness, I really like tying the loneliness even to missing a pet, since you can register them as service animals to cheer spirits.

Interesting choice in form, what I like is I think this could work in almost any form, even read as a paragraph.  Overall it's nice to look at, and the title works because the cats are mentioned at the bottom of the piece, and everything else is on top, 'on cats'

[mrweiner]

It's encouraging that your notes seemed to echo my doubts. Guess I'm on the right track. I hadn't even considered that "My everpresent companion" should relate to both loneliness and what I am comparing it to. Posting an edit with your notes in mind.

Regarding your form comment, I've been reading a lot of Kim Addonizio, and much of her writing seems to ride the line of prose broken by lines, stanzas, and punctuation. I have found it very inspiring.

Hadn't even thought of the rest of the poem being on top of the cats! I mean...ahem...I definitely considered that. I'm glad you picked up on it.

[Donald Q.]

I'm mad,
or at least I'm
headed that direction,  Nice wit, although at this point I don't know whether to be worried or bemused. 
no longer at the helm of my
own thoughts.

Before,
lonliness was  Loneliness  
as normal as blinking.
My everpresent companion. ever present or ever-present, I think
Silent.

But now
I cannot seem 
to make coffee or walk
or waken without her coming   
to mind;   There's some interesting sound play in this stanza but I'm not sure it's quite arranged right. 'Coffee / walk / waken' should be ordered differently I feel, partly to capitalise on the sound but also because logically the order there is messed up.. coffee then walk then wake up? Consider.

smoothly
sliding her way Smoothly and sliding are too similar here I think, bit redundant
through my thoughts -- like a cat
between plants in a windowsill All the cats I know would just knock the plants off. A very polite cat, I guess. Interesting image though. 
garden.

Of course
I welcome her,
but I know what it's like  
when you're used to petting a cat
but can't. I read the poem again after this turn, realising the whole thing was centered around the loss of a pet; for the first two stanzas the whole thing seems more abstract. I think it's a good grounding for the poem, but the way this stanza is structured doesn't work 'I welcome her,/ but I know what it's like' doesn't quite make sense. What I will say though, is that the last three lines alone are very simply effective in conveying the loss of a pet; they are that everyday fixture, that shadow that you never want to shake off. Keep working on this; you have something working here. EDIT: Ok, I see you've said it is about new love, which is what I thought it was about before I got to the end. Maybe I'm just being an idiot, but I think the cat comparison needs a bit of work, it clearly set me off on the wrong track a bit.

[mrweiner]

I'll get to your feedback as soon as I can. The piece is actually about being tentative of new love, and likening my relationship with her to the relationship with the cat that she is being compared to in the metaphor. Not sure if I need to make this more clear or leave it ambiguous.

[rollingbrianjones]

I'm mad,
or at least I'm
headed that direction,
no longer at the helm of my
own thoughts. Not quite sure how you've managed it with such an irregular structure but this reads really well (for me). And despite the broken nature of how it's on the page, it really flows easily. Not sure if I am reading as intended but felt right! 
I naturally scanned it as: I'm mad, // or at least, I'm headed that direction. // No longer at the helm of my // own thoughts. The changes in punctuation are how it read to me. Not sure how it could be read so fluently and easily with the punctuation as you have it? Also, a better word than "own" before "thoughts"? Good opening.

Before,
lonliness was
as normal as blinking.
My everpresent companion.
Silent. Does one not feel even lonelier when they have an absent desired other? Or perhaps at point of writing the poet still has hope. Not a fan of "normal as blinking". Just think you can come up with something better. Does silent have to occupy the last line on its own? Especially describing something as prominent as loneliness. Maybe a juxtaposition or something, for effect, e.g. "Loud, silent." or "Silent, loud." Think you can do a bit more with this. 
I really like "My ever-present companion" forces the idea and presence of loneliness, in language echoing how you'd describe a loved one- good stuff. 

But now
I cannot seem 
to make coffee or walk
or waken without her coming
to mind; 
I find this the weakest stanza by far. The rhythm/ease of reading of the other stanzas isn't here, and with no punctuation it just read to me as a non-poetic sentence randomly broken up into 5 lines- without any engrossing language or insightful imagery which might have saved the sudden lack of rhythm. I'd keep the sentiment but change its implementation. At least punctuate to manipulate the reader's flow in some way.

smoothly
sliding her way
through my thoughts -- like a cat
between plants in a windowsill
garden. 
Love the image and how it ties in with the title, again I think you can poss manipulate the rhythm through punctuation. 
The way I want to read this is with some breaks, which would mirror the feeling of the poem. E.g:
smoothly

gliding, sliding her way
through my thoughts; like a cat
between plants, in a windowsill
garden. 

Of course
I welcome her,
but I know what it's like
when you're used to petting a cat
but can't

So it turns out the poet has gotten the girl, right? Or is this suggestive? I'm confused by welcoming her but the metaphor saying you cannot pet the cat? If the poet has the girl I'm not sure why it ends on the negative notion, if the poet hasn't got the girl I'm thus confused by "I welcome her". Pls explain and I shall see if it becomes clear- but this was the only part I read and took as contradictory. Also definitely do something about the two "buts". I'd cut the one before "I know..." or use something like "yet". The repetition isn't great.

Enjoyed this, keep at it

[mrweiner]

I'm mad,
or at least I'm
headed that direction,  Nice wit, although at this point I don't know whether to be worried or bemused. So it kept you reading? Perfect!
no longer at the helm of my
own thoughts.

Before,
lonliness was  Loneliness  
as normal as blinking.
My everpresent companion. ever present or ever-present, I think
Silent.

Good catches, here. Thanks.

But now
I cannot seem 
to make coffee or walk
or waken without her coming   
to mind;   There's some interesting sound play in this stanza but I'm not sure it's quite arranged right. 'Coffee / walk / waken' should be ordered differently I feel, partly to capitalise on the sound but also because logically the order there is messed up.. coffee then walk then wake up? Consider. As the next comment noted, this certainly feels like the weak point. The stanza needs some lovin' even more than I do.

smoothly
sliding her way Smoothly and sliding are too similar here I think, bit redundant. Fair point.
through my thoughts -- like a cat
between plants in a windowsill All the cats I know would just knock the plants off. A very polite cat, I guess. Interesting image though. I guess I must just know some bourgeois cats who know that's very unbecoming of them.  
garden.

Of course
I welcome her,
but I know what it's like  
when you're used to petting a cat
but can't. EDIT: Ok, I see you've said it is about new love, which is what I thought it was about before I got to the end. Maybe I'm just being an idiot, but I think the cat comparison needs a bit of work, it clearly set me off on the wrong track a bit.  This could be as simple as a title change. I wonder. I'll give it some thought. Trying to avoid clichéd writing on love.

I'm mad,
or at least I'm
headed that direction,
no longer at the helm of my
own thoughts. Not quite sure how you've managed it with such an irregular structure but this reads really well (for me). And despite the broken nature of how it's on the page, it really flows easily. Not sure if I am reading as intended but felt right!
I naturally scanned it as: I'm mad, // or at least, I'm headed that direction. // No longer at the helm of my // own thoughts. The changes in punctuation are how it read to me. Not sure how it could be read so fluently and easily with the punctuation as you have it? Also, a better word than "own" before "thoughts"? Good opening. Thank you! Yes, own is a somewhat weak way to start the line, but it's gotta be two syllables. Might be able to tweak the preceding line to make something else work.

Before,
lonliness was
as normal as blinking.
My everpresent companion.
Silent. 
Does one not feel even lonelier when they have an absent desired other? 
I guess I'm trying to highlight the difference between the feeling of being so used to having nobody that one no longer notices it, and the bated happiness that comes from longing for the presence of one's new love.  

Or perhaps at point of writing the poet still has hope. Not a fan of "normal as blinking". Just think you can come up with something better. Does silent have to occupy the last line on its own? Especially describing something as prominent as loneliness. Maybe a juxtaposition or something, for effect, e.g. "Loud, silent." or "Silent, loud." Think you can do a bit more with this. A note on the form, just since you address it a few times. The form is that of a Crown Cinquain, so the line/syllable layout has to stay intact for this particular piece.

I really like "My ever-present companion" forces the idea and presence of loneliness, in language echoing how you'd describe a loved one- good stuff. Thank you!

But now
I cannot seem 
to make coffee or walk
or waken without her coming
to mind; 
I find this the weakest stanza by far. The rhythm/ease of reading of the other stanzas isn't here, and with no punctuation it just read to me as a non-poetic sentence randomly broken up into 5 lines- without any engrossing language or insightful imagery which might have saved the sudden lack of rhythm. I'd keep the sentiment but change its implementation. At least punctuate to manipulate the reader's flow in some way. After letting it sit for a couple of days, this does seem like the weaker stanza. I'm going to rework it a bit and see what I can come up with.

smoothly
sliding her way
through my thoughts -- like a cat
between plants in a windowsill
garden. 
Love the image and how it ties in with the title, again I think you can poss manipulate the rhythm through punctuation. 
The way I want to read this is with some breaks, which would mirror the feeling of the poem. E.g:
smoothly

gliding, sliding her way
through my thoughts; like a cat
between plants, in a windowsill
garden.

Some of this relates to the form point above. I'll consider punctuation, but I don't want to force the reader to break their focus too much, here.  Were I to read it aloud I don't think I'd break after plants, for instance.

Of course
I welcome her,
but I know what it's like
when you're used to petting a cat
but can't

So it turns out the poet has gotten the girl, right? Or is this suggestive? I'm confused by welcoming her but the metaphor saying you cannot pet the cat? If the poet has the girl I'm not sure why it ends on the negative notion, if the poet hasn't got the girl I'm thus confused by "I welcome her". Pls explain and I shall see if it becomes clear- but this was the only part I read and took as contradictory. 
With the piece, I'm trying to convey the feeling of being in a new relationship that is still in the "feeling out" phase -- where it's not cemented that you could be "together forever" -- and the insecurity that can come along with this. It can be hard to let somebody into your heart when you're afraid their going to leave you, even if you feel strongly for them. Here, I'm trying to liken the feeling of somebody leaving who you've mentally committed to, to the loss of the cat who you're used to petting. 

Hence, the poet "welcome's her" presence in his life and heart, but is apprehensive because he is familiar with heartbreak. Maybe the "petting a cat" thing is too abstract. Maybe the "coffee" stanza above is somewhere that I can clarify some of this. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Also definitely do something about the two "buts". I'd cut the one before "I know..." or use something like "yet". The repetition isn't great.
Thanks for pointing out my extra "but". Ha! I actually didn't like that but forgot. Yet is probably more appropriate for one of them. May be a way to rework it.

Enjoyed this, keep at it
I certainly will.

[rollingbrianjones]

Apologies for my ignorance regarding the form!
Though, building on this, to hopefully add consideration to your edit... without repeating myself in full, the punctuation (or lack of) differs in each stanza whilst in the same form for the better or worse. I think my points regarding this as written above still stand, better use of punctuation can push the reader a little more.
Something I seem to repeat on this site a lot in my critiques (sorry) is that I don't get why strength, emphasis, sound, poetic devices are often sacrificed to maintain a perfect form throughout a poem. I think the odd break from form with the right words, at the right point of a piece, to emphasise meaning- adds more and shows more talent as a writer than blind obedience to a structure throughout. I mean, we all know forms, we can all keep to them- it doesn't prove anything. Though this comes from a serial form breaker

Your elaboration on themes/subject added clarity, meaning no need to edit to make meaning more obvious. I grasped most of the meaning- and well, I think if an ignorant reader grabs most of the meaning with some parts remaining ambiguous, that's just fine and is probably how a poem should be!

Look forward to the edit

RBJ

[mrweiner]

No apologies for ignorance needed! In fact, I didn't know what the form was prior to writing the piece. Finding it is what led to it being written at all. 

I'm all for breaking form (I'm a gigging jazz musician -- controlled breaking of convention is kind of our thing) but I also really appreciate the form that is offered by following a set structure (that's my classical training and love of math & logic coming into play, here, outside of writing). I don't mean to try to prove anything by sticking to the form, but for this particular piece of writing I think I'd like to. Blind following of form is as useless as blind breaking of form, and I think structure can be just as beautiful as disarray. Each certainly has their place, but neither one is always appropriate.

That all being said (please continue this debate if you so desire -- I like discussing such utter nonsense) I'm not 100% sold on punctuation as it stands in the newest edit (not sure whether you saw that it's been updated since your initial comments). I nuked most of it to open up the interpretation a bit, but I may add some back. I kind of liked the idea of playing with the meaning of a sentence/stanza based on how the reader interprets the line breaks. In this case, namely between the 2nd/3rd and 3rd/4th stanzas:

Before
loneliness sat
beside me unquestioned.
My ever-present companion.
Now though

I smile
I feel new warmth
missing from my bed, its tenant
dreaming sweet nothings from afar
and still

slipping
so gracefully
through my thoughts -- like a cat
between plants in a windowsill
garden.

I feel like the 2nd-3rd stanza could be read as either:

Now, though I smile, I feel new warmth missing from my bed
or
Now though, I smile, I feel new warmth missing from my bed

Similarly, I feel like "and still" from stanza 4 could be read as a description of the "tenant", or as a continuation of the sentence, as in ..."from afar, and still slipping so gracefully..."

Maybe this is just how I see it since I wrote the words, and it may not be how anybody would actually interpret it in reality. That's hard for me to gauge. Enjoying our back-and-forth. Cheers!

[RC James]

I'm mad
or at least I'm
headed that direction
no longer at the helm of my
own thoughts.

I like helm of my own thoughts, maybe just "headed there" instead of "that direction"

Before
loneliness sat
beside me unquestioned.
My ever-present companion.
Now though

comma after before - unquestioned, no cap on my present...

I smile
I feel new warmth
missing from my bed, its tenant
dreaming sweet nothings from afar
and still

slipping
so gracefully
through my thoughts -- like a cat
between plants in a windowsill
garden.

I like this stanza, clear image of cat slipping between plants.

Bated
I welcome her
recalling what it's like
when you're used to petting a cat
but can't.