Corridor [edit]

[Keith]

Hi Duke the premise is a good one, that startled moment when beauty catches our eye and I felt you gave us enough to see with the images in S4. The poem needs work right from the off though and as a reader I felt rushed and pumped with info that would have been better shown to me. The events are limited in the poem basically we ride up the hill pass some sprinklers and see the rainbows. So you need to think about engaging the reader instead of One morning for example could be and image of little Tommy delivering the news papers or something anything other than one morning. Hope this makes sense. Ive put a few more notes below, I look forward to the edit. Best Keith

Corridor

 
 
One morning, sidewalk-biking up a hill The stinted brevity of this reads as though you are summarising  prose and it continues throughout the stanza, think about the poetic devices you have used in S4 and adopt them here too.
sun at my five o’clock, there rose
some distance on, a water-hazard:
pop-up sprinklers on each side
dousing grass and walk. Not sure this makes sense
 
Yet closer-to, it seemed these drenching sprays
were regulated so one could pass through
with only wetted feet.  So I advanced
 
only to find false seeming: in between
these heavy sprays a droplet mist reposed
into which I fared if you broke the line here to avoid FFF I would drop Fared and move up Found as there are too many F's
 
and found each fan of droplets reached like the sonic of FF here
became a glory - rainbows right and left
rejoiced the eye, each lovely as the next nice partial rhyme left next, rejoiced ? ummm not sure
all unexpected, corridor of color again nice picking up the ext
bracing blaze of clear, emprismed light. I would end the poem on this line and keep the made up word.
 
(If you miss the moral of this tale
your thinking may just need a wash
sun at your five o’clock
in halls of rainbow veil.)
 

Should the summary stanza remain, and is that made-up word appropriate?

No it doesn't make sense to me and Yes I like the word