Corridor

edit1;

Morning, riding,
sun behind my back:
up loomed a water hazard
pop-up sprinklers either side
drenching grass and path.
 
Were they regulated
wetting only shoes and legs?
No – chilling water-mist
blew cheerless in-between, face-high.
Joylessly I pressed ahead
 
and found each fan of droplets reached
became a glory – halls of rainbow veil
regaled the eye, each lovely as the next
all unexpected, corridor of color
bracing blaze of clear, emprismed light.


original version;
 
One morning, sidewalk-biking up a hill
sun at my five o’clock, there rose
some distance on, a water-hazard:
pop-up sprinklers on each side
dousing grass and walk.
 
Yet closer-to, it seemed these drenching sprays
were regulated so one could pass through
with only wetted feet.  So I advanced
 
only to find false seeming: in between
these heavy sprays a droplet mist reposed
into which I fared
 
and found each fan of droplets reached
became a glory - rainbows right and left
rejoiced the eye, each lovely as the next
all unexpected, corridor of color
bracing blaze of clear, emprismed light.
 
(If you miss the moral of this tale
your thinking may just need a wash
sun at your five o’clock
in halls of rainbow veil.)
 

Hello Duke,

I adore unexpected rainbows.    Only two comments:

(11-18-2016, 10:37 PM)dukealien Wrote:  Corridor

 
 
One morning, sidewalk-biking up a hill
sun at my five o’clock, there rose
some distance on, a water-hazard:
pop-up sprinklers on each side
dousing grass and walk.
 
Yet closer-to, it seemed these drenching sprays
were regulated so one could pass through
with only wetted feet.  So I advanced  The two "only"s so close together bothered me.  Perhaps this one could be "merely" or other synonym?
 
only to find false seeming: in between
these heavy sprays a droplet mist reposed
into which I fared
 
and found each fan of droplets reached
became a glory - rainbows right and left
rejoiced the eye, each lovely as the next
all unexpected, corridor of color
bracing blaze of clear, emprismed light.
 
(If you miss the moral of this tale
your thinking may just need a wash
sun at your five o’clock
in halls of rainbow veil.)
 

Should the summary stanza remain, and is that made-up word appropriate?

And then to answer your "spoiler" question, I ... couldn't find the made-up word.   Also, I didn't mind the moral at the end, but also wouldn't miss it. But if you decide to take it off, I would miss "halls of rainbow veil."  So I was thinking, if you don't keep that last stanza for some reason, you could replace "rainbows right and left" with "halls of rainbow veil" so as not to lose that image.    


Anyway, that's really the only comments I had.  I love this piece.  

-Quix

Hi dukealien,

I like the concept and subject of this write, but feel
that in parts it is more prose-narrative than poetry.
Some thoughts below -

(11-18-2016, 10:37 PM)dukealien Wrote:  Corridor

 
 
One morning, sidewalk-biking up a hill.....Bad start. "One morning" sets up a narrative mode.
sun at my five o’clock, there rose........."there rose' sounds stiff.
some distance on, a water-hazard:
pop-up sprinklers on each side
dousing grass and walk....Try to write this stanza in a less time-linear way.
l
Yet closer-to, it seemed these drenching sprays
were regulated so one could pass through
with only wetted feet.  So I advanced.......too much detail, try to suggest rather than record.
 
only to find false seeming: in between..........loosen up the language here.
these heavy sprays a droplet mist reposed....does mist repose?
into which I fared........"I fared" seems too old school.

and found each fan of droplets reached



 
became a glory - rainbows right and left
rejoiced the eye, each lovely as the next
all unexpected, corridor of color
bracing blaze of clear, emprismed light.  End work here.
 
(If you miss the moral of this tale
your thinking may just need a wash
sun at your five o’clock
in halls of rainbow veil.).........If we miss the morel it's our fault,
no need to labor the point.

A good idea, so play with it more and it might take-off as a poem.
Have fun with the language, and lean more into the surreal.
Forget about a strict time-sequence.
Good luck...revise and conquer.
 

Should the summary stanza remain, and is that made-up word appropriate?

In answer to your questions Duke. If you mean this to read like a parable than the summary stanza is appropriate. I personally don't like them--but it's a style choice in a lot of ways. I also actually liked emprismed. Others may disagree. I guess it depends on your view of such things.

It's a pleasing read. My only real call out is that the diction seems a mix of contemporary and old. We have sun at my five o’clock along with false seemings. It seems a bit out of place.

Hi Duke the premise is a good one, that startled moment when beauty catches our eye and I felt you gave us enough to see with the images in S4. The poem needs work right from the off though and as a reader I felt rushed and pumped with info that would have been better shown to me. The events are limited in the poem basically we ride up the hill pass some sprinklers and see the rainbows. So you need to think about engaging the reader instead of One morning for example could be and image of little Tommy delivering the news papers or something anything other than one morning. Hope this makes sense. Ive put a few more notes below, I look forward to the edit. Best Keith

(11-18-2016, 10:37 PM)dukealien Wrote:  Corridor

 
 
One morning, sidewalk-biking up a hill The stinted brevity of this reads as though you are summarising  prose and it continues throughout the stanza, think about the poetic devices you have used in S4 and adopt them here too.
sun at my five o’clock, there rose
some distance on, a water-hazard:
pop-up sprinklers on each side
dousing grass and walk. Not sure this makes sense
 
Yet closer-to, it seemed these drenching sprays
were regulated so one could pass through
with only wetted feet.  So I advanced
 
only to find false seeming: in between
these heavy sprays a droplet mist reposed
into which I fared if you broke the line here to avoid FFF I would drop Fared and move up Found as there are too many F's
 
and found each fan of droplets reached like the sonic of FF here
became a glory - rainbows right and left
rejoiced the eye, each lovely as the next nice partial rhyme left next, rejoiced ? ummm not sure
all unexpected, corridor of color again nice picking up the ext
bracing blaze of clear, emprismed light. I would end the poem on this line and keep the made up word.
 
(If you miss the moral of this tale
your thinking may just need a wash
sun at your five o’clock
in halls of rainbow veil.)
 

Should the summary stanza remain, and is that made-up word appropriate?

No it doesn't make sense to me and Yes I like the word

Thanks to all the excellent critics.  The vote was about balanced on keeping the last stanza, but that was half "cut it!" and half "well, it *could* stay," so it's cut (with Quixillated's suggestion for partial salvage implemented).

edit1;

Morning, riding,
sun behind my back:
up loomed a water hazard
pop-up sprinklers either side
drenching grass and path.
 
Were they regulated
wetting only shoes and legs?
No – chilling water-mist
blew cheerless in-between, face-high.
Joylessly I pressed ahead
 
and found each fan of droplets reached
became a glory – halls of rainbow veil
regaled the eye, each lovely as the next
all unexpected, corridor of color
bracing blaze of clear, emprismed light.

Thought about changing the title to "Risk Corridor," but current readers might look for a political message, so stet.  

The edit definitely illustrated the tale and moral more clearly, but in some ways it lost the adventurous spirit of discovering the feeling at the end.  I think the parentheses in the original helped in interpreting that remarkable feeling of.  like you winked at the reader saying, 'I guess you just had to be there'

(11-21-2016, 03:58 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  The edit definitely illustrated the tale and moral more clearly, but in some ways it lost the adventurous spirit of discovering the feeling at the end.  I think the parentheses in the original helped in interpreting that remarkable feeling of.  like you winked at the reader saying, 'I guess you just had to be there'

Hmmm... how to summarize without summarizing.  It's quite a three-pipe problem (definition 8 - pipe: barrel of ale )

Thanks!  More work needed.

Like the new edit!

(11-18-2016, 10:37 PM)dukealien Wrote:  Corridor

edit1;

Morning, riding,
sun behind my back:
up loomed a water hazard
pop-up sprinklers either side
drenching grass and path.
 
Were they regulated
wetting only shoes and legs?
No – chilling water-mist
blew cheerless in-between, face-high.
Joylessly I pressed ahead
 
and found each fan of droplets reached
became a glory – halls of rainbow veil
regaled the eye, each lovely as the next
all unexpected, corridor of color
bracing blaze of clear, emprismed light.


original version;
 
One morning, sidewalk-biking up a hill
sun at my five o’clock, there rose
some distance on, a water-hazard:
pop-up sprinklers on each side
dousing grass and walk.
 
Yet closer-to, it seemed these drenching sprays
were regulated so one could pass through
with only wetted feet.  So I advanced
 
only to find false seeming: in between
these heavy sprays a droplet mist reposed
into which I fared
 
and found each fan of droplets reached
became a glory - rainbows right and left
rejoiced the eye, each lovely as the next
all unexpected, corridor of color
bracing blaze of clear, emprismed light.
 
(If you miss the moral of this tale
your thinking may just need a wash
sun at your five o’clock
in halls of rainbow veil.)