Mr Jaworski's Warning

[Sparkydashforth]

He sucked the white tube inward
pulling poison into his lungs
until the tip glowed fiercely.
He drank warm lemon tea,
lean body coiling and uncoiling
on an abdominal spring.

"You see, quite by chance,
we captured a Gestapo Officer
who was hunting for us.
He was confident -
arrogant.
He thought none among us
would resist.

We tore him apart with our bare hands.
It was over in minutes. Some bit his neck.
Some dug his eyes from their sockets.
The women went for his manhood.
We were covered with blood and gore.
I will never forget the surprise on his face
as he died in lumps and pieces."

A long pause, as he took another
slow pull on the hot tobacco.

"I tell you, be a good boy
and pray to gentle Jesus,
but when they come for you,
be a wolf."

[DerTomatenToaster]

He sucked the white tube inward
pulling poison into his lungs
until the tip glowed fiercely. Love the way you describe smoking
He drank warm lemon tea,
lean body coiling and uncoiling
on an abdominal spring.

"You see, quite by chance,
we captured a Gestapo Officer
who was hunting for us.
He was confident -
arrogant.
He thought none among us I don't really understand reason for the line break
would resist.

We tore him apart with our bare hands.
It was over in minutes. Some bit his neck.
Some dug his eyes from their sockets.
The women went for his manhood.
We were covered with blood and gore.
I will never forget the surprise on his face
as he died in lumps and pieces." The violence feels overexaggerated for humans and more like what animals would do

A long pause, as he took another
slow pull on the hot tobacco.

I tell you, be a good boy Is this supposed to be quoted aswell? Because it would make sense due to the "long pause" in between.
and pray to gentle Jesus,
but when they come for you,
be a wolf. As stated before: Felt more like what animals would do. Wolves for example.

I really like this piece, while I'm still kind of confused what you are trying to say with the comparison between the people defending themselves and wolves. Could actually mean that the Nazis were right and everyone else was worth less (just like animals without intelligence acting out of instinct). Maybe you should have done it the other way around somehow? Although this would have changed the whole poem.
You probably just wanted to say something like "defend yourself when you need to" and I'm thinking about it too much.

Whatever, I liked it, maybe add quotation marks to the last stanza, to me it looks like it should be that way.

PS: I had to google what Gestapo is. I'm german. I feel really retarded right now.

[Achebe]

He sucked the white tube inward
pulling poison into his lungs
until the tip glowed fiercely.
He drank warm lemon tea,
lean body coiling and uncoiling
on an abdominal spring.

"You see, quite by chance,
we captured a Gestapo Officer
who was hunting for us.
He was confident -
arrogant.
He thought none among us
would resist.

We tore him apart with our bare hands.
It was over in minutes. Some bit his neck.
Some dug his eyes from their sockets.
The women went for his manhood.
We were covered with blood and gore.
I will never forget the surprise on his face
as he died in lumps and pieces."

A long pause, as he took another
slow pull on the hot tobacco.

I tell you, be a good boy
and pray to gentle Jesus,
but when they come for you,
be a wolf.

Hi Sparky - a number of cliches in S3: bare hands, blood and gore, and the "manhood" euphemism dulls the blow here.
Also, there's no real punch in the end. Everything after you've said "captured" lacks the element of surprise because you've said "captured" already.
Incidentally did regular Poles murder Nazis? Two million Poles died in concentration camps but that must've included political and military victims unlike the Jews...?
The opening is vivid.

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi TomatenToaster,

does your name mean he who toasts tomatoes in German? :-)

Re: Quotation marks -My fault, I forgot to tidy up my own copy! Will fix.

Thanks for the feedback.

He sucked the white tube inward
pulling poison into his lungs
until the tip glowed fiercely. Love the way you describe smoking
He drank warm lemon tea,
lean body coiling and uncoiling
on an abdominal spring.

"You see, quite by chance,
we captured a Gestapo Officer
who was hunting for us.
He was confident -
arrogant.
He thought none among us I don't really understand reason for the line break
would resist.

We tore him apart with our bare hands.
It was over in minutes. Some bit his neck.
Some dug his eyes from their sockets.
The women went for his manhood.
We were covered with blood and gore.
I will never forget the surprise on his face
as he died in lumps and pieces." The violence feels overexaggerated for humans and more like what animals would do

A long pause, as he took another
slow pull on the hot tobacco.

I tell you, be a good boy Is this supposed to be quoted aswell? Because it would make sense due to the "long pause" in between.
and pray to gentle Jesus,
but when they come for you,
be a wolf. As stated before: Felt more like what animals would do. Wolves for example.

I really like this piece, while I'm still kind of confused what you are trying to say with the comparison between the people defending themselves and wolves. Could actually mean that the Nazis were right and everyone else was worth less (just like animals without intelligence acting out of instinct). Maybe you should have done it the other way around somehow? Although this would have changed the whole poem.
You probably just wanted to say something like "defend yourself when you need to" and I'm thinking about it too much.

Whatever, I liked it, maybe add quotation marks to the last stanza, to me it looks like it should be that way.

PS: I had to google what Gestapo is. I'm german. I feel really retarded right now.

---

Thanks Achebe, its always good to get fresh eyes and thoughts on this.

L'Chiam!

He sucked the white tube inward
pulling poison into his lungs
until the tip glowed fiercely.
He drank warm lemon tea,
lean body coiling and uncoiling
on an abdominal spring.

"You see, quite by chance,
we captured a Gestapo Officer
who was hunting for us.
He was confident -
arrogant.
He thought none among us
would resist.

We tore him apart with our bare hands.
It was over in minutes. Some bit his neck.
Some dug his eyes from their sockets.
The women went for his manhood.
We were covered with blood and gore.
I will never forget the surprise on his face
as he died in lumps and pieces."

A long pause, as he took another
slow pull on the hot tobacco.

I tell you, be a good boy
and pray to gentle Jesus,
but when they come for you,
be a wolf.

Hi Sparky - a number of cliches in S3: bare hands, blood and gore, and the "manhood" euphemism dulls the blow here.
Also, there's no real punch in the end. Everything after you've said "captured" lacks the element of surprise because you've said "captured" already.
Incidentally did regular Poles murder Nazis? Two million Poles died in concentration camps but that must've included political and military victims unlike the Jews...?
The opening is vivid.