Corridor [edit]

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi dukealien,

I like the concept and subject of this write, but feel
that in parts it is more prose-narrative than poetry.
Some thoughts below -

Corridor

 
 
One morning, sidewalk-biking up a hill.....Bad start. "One morning" sets up a narrative mode.
sun at my five o’clock, there rose........."there rose' sounds stiff.
some distance on, a water-hazard:
pop-up sprinklers on each side
dousing grass and walk....Try to write this stanza in a less time-linear way.
l
Yet closer-to, it seemed these drenching sprays
were regulated so one could pass through
with only wetted feet.  So I advanced.......too much detail, try to suggest rather than record.
 
only to find false seeming: in between..........loosen up the language here.
these heavy sprays a droplet mist reposed....does mist repose?
into which I fared........"I fared" seems too old school.

and found each fan of droplets reached



 
became a glory - rainbows right and left
rejoiced the eye, each lovely as the next
all unexpected, corridor of color
bracing blaze of clear, emprismed light.  End work here.
 
(If you miss the moral of this tale
your thinking may just need a wash
sun at your five o’clock
in halls of rainbow veil.).........If we miss the morel it's our fault,
no need to labor the point.

A good idea, so play with it more and it might take-off as a poem.
Have fun with the language, and lean more into the surreal.
Forget about a strict time-sequence.
Good luck...revise and conquer.
 

Should the summary stanza remain, and is that made-up word appropriate?