Drinking The Dregs

[Keith]

I sit and pick the label from
a bottle of Newcastle brown,
drowning seems to be the forecast. I like the off hand rhyme and conversational tone.
Bubbles shoot like space invaders,
gathered gas collects in the neck "gathered gas collects" is a little wordy. Gathered implies it's collected, and collects implies it's been gathered.
conspiring to make me cough.
Programmed spots do a lonely robot,
the empty floor reveals their dance,
a change in colour breaks the trance. This rhyme seems a little forced.

Its happy hour, so I smile and knock back, I don't think you need this comma at the end of the line - I don't naturally pause here.
double Pernod mixed with cider and black,
the red witch trips tongues, turns eyes into slits
but no one around me gives a shit.
My table tops awash with slops,
I fold and float a rizzla boat I like this line, and the more subtle than zig zag reference.
then sail outside for another smoke.
A damaged bloke gets his tattoos too close,
my shoulder goes cold but he won't be told, this rhyme seems forced to me.
is it red or blue to diffuse a fight?
a prison thin roll-up
seems to make things alright.

I think this type of non-patterned rhyme works best when a rhyme sort of creeps up and surprises you like the brown/drown at the start. It can get a little heavy handed when there's too much of it, and rhymes are made for the sake of a rhyme (to my eyes).

I like a lot of the sounds, and I thought the first stanza was very strong, but I think it loses a little steam in the second stanza.

Thanks for the help Wjames I have had a go at the edit based on your comments and the others, best keith