Impossible angel

[Achebe]

Impossible angel

Beer and cigarettes
and you, your languid locks,
are always in my world of drunken walks
through Barbican and Bishopsgate,
in the moonbeam shallows
of walls spattered with poetry.

Thursday nights your longing is a sea
crossing through hours of drunkenness.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows
turn not to me.

Impossible angel
that runs not to me.

But runs to the deep sea's emptiness
in the white frothed wave that follows
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness
that burns not for me.

[Lizzie]

Impossible angel

Beer and cigarettes -- would you consider adding "and you" on to the end of this line? Then it would set the scene right in the first line, and ending on "you" would call additional attention to the subject. Totally minor, just a thought.
and you, your languid locks,
are always in my world of drunken walks
through Barbican and Bishopsgate,
in the moonbeam shallows
of walls spattered with poetry.

Thursday nights your longing is a sea -- do you need Thursday nights? It seems to delay the satisfaction of the poetry/sea rhyme too long.
crossing through hours of drunkenness. -- you probably need a different word here or above since this is the second time you've used drunk. I actually think that I would leave this one and cut the other, because here it could also refer to being drunk on love for the person. I don't understand how a sea crosses, either.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows  -- I don't understand "mermaid shadows" but I like it. It's evocative.
turn not to me.

Impossible angel
that runs not to me. -- who runs? I don't know what's correct, but who sounds better to me.

But runs to the deep sea's emptiness
in the white frothed wave that follows
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness
that burns not for me. -- I think this sentence is missing a subject. Otherwise, I think this stanza is perfect.

I think its beautiful -- it made me feel things.

Thanks for sharing! Hope this is helpful.

lizziep

[kolemath]

Overall I like it, but I'm always a fan of a good drunk poem.  A few comments

Impossible angel

Beer and cigarettes
and you, your languid locks, good meter and sonics, but the image is strange to me; the speaker seems passionate about the subject, and the subject is fleeting and 'runs' later in the poem. is languid the best word for hair?
are always in my world of drunken walks
through Barbican and Bishopsgate, interesting place names
in the moonbeam shallows
of walls spattered with poetry. I like 'moonbeam shallows.' it fits with the 'sea' below, but this lines reads as 'shallows of walls' what is the shallow of a wall?

Thursday nights your longing is a sea is it 'your longing' or the speaker's longing?
crossing through hours of drunkenness.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows reminds me of Prufrock
turn not to me. here too

Impossible angel interesting pairing of words, good rhythm too, but do these words fit the sea/mermaid ideas?
that runs not to me. do angels run?

But runs to the deep sea's emptiness her the sea changes again; above the longing is a sea; here the subject runs to the sea; maybe work on the consistency of the metaphor?
in the white frothed wave that follows
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness i like the repetition of moon here
that burns not for me. it seems the lamp of loneliness would burn for this speaker

thanks for sharing.

[Achebe]

Thanks, lizziep and kole.
The metaphor for Thursday night is a sea crossing, not a sea.

Otherwise, I'm glad it worked for you in parts and where it did not, thanks for your inputs. Appreciate your taking the time out for detailed comments.

[amejadcc]

Impossible angel

Beer and cigarettes
and you, your languid locks, - the posture and style of being tipsy or drunk
are always in my world of drunken walks - the posture and style of being tipsy or drunk
through Barbican and Bishopsgate, - just outside of the castle walls alludes the nature of drunk men in the olden days
in the moonbeam shallows - somewhere dark or moonlight is minimal
of walls spattered with poetry. - graffiti? dirty walls?

Thursday nights your longing is a sea - Thursday night is a modern allusion of a culture who drinks on Thursdays
crossing through hours of drunkenness.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows - women who acquire drunk men
turn not to me.

Impossible angel
that runs not to me.

But runs to the deep sea's emptiness - I don't quite understand why you need to place the word "emptiness" I think the sea is definitely full.
in the white frothed wave that follows
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness - stands alone (I like this imagery)
that burns not for me.

It is both intriguing and evocative how you don't allude the time period of this piece unless you look at "cigarettes" and "Thursdays" alone. I think the loneliness of the "angel" due to his looks and drunken actions should not overshadow the vastness of the sea and how full of life it is. You can however, share the observer's longing to paint her/his descriptive portrait as well. Amongst the busy bars and drunken walks through the nights, some objects in the poetry could have been hers/his.

On another thought - "emptiness" "frothed" and "burns" or the last verse could mean the "angel" is just sitting at the bar drinking till it burns. I will wait for the observer to shed light on herself or himself, whichever.

Thanks for writing this!

[RiverNotch]

Impossible angel

Beer and cigarettes
and you, your languid locks,
are always in my world of drunken walks
through Barbican and Bishopsgate,
in the moonbeam shallows
of walls spattered with poetry. "splattered with poetry". A succession of arresting images, and you end with surfaces splattered with, at best, cum-mingled piss, and at worst, random abstract thoughts. Or, what, graffiti? But graffiti is very rarely poetry -- poetic, sure, but not poetry. At least, not in the language you establish the poem with. 

Thursday nights your longing is a sea At some readings of mine, I confuse "your" with a badly stated "my", but for that mistake, I blame myself. Either "a sea crossing" or "a sea[,] crossing" -- both meanings work well, I think, until later on. But I would not suggest changing this.
crossing through hours of drunkenness.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows
turn not to me. The use of sonics throughout the poem is very enchanting -- wavelike, joining the thoughts and images in conjuring up the nearby water. Although I don't know enough about "Barbican and Bishopsgate" -- presumably the areas in London -- to get to the fullest how this ocean truly connects, other than the usual drifting metropolis schtick.

Impossible angel
that runs not to me. Although I approve of this line -- at this point, the righteous blending of the dark ecstasies of PJ Harvey's "Stories of the City, Stories of the Sea" and the quietly longing sounds of Getz/Gilberto's "Getz/Gilberto" (specifically "The Girl from Ipanema", which shares the same pain) is crystallized -- I do not approve of the title. It leans too close to the cheesy, to Madonna's "Like a Virgin" (specifically "Angel").

But runs to the deep sea's emptiness But here's an alteration: comma, instead of period. The fact that this currently-a-fragment was separated made me second guess, and not in a good way.
in the white frothed wave that follows I do think also that it is at this point that the "sea crossing" thing fails, not because sea itself is repeated (especially since, to my scholarly mind, "sea" and "deep sea" are two different things), but because the ambiguity is multiplied. The "you", whom henceforth I shall refer to as a she, runs to the deep sea's emptiness -- but what exactly is the sea that contains it? It could be her longing in stanza two, sure, but again, those two lines were constructed ambiguously, and to take that away would be to remove a certain ebullience (as sea crossing by itself reveals nothing). As noted before, however, the issue I think should be corrected here, and not in that earlier stanza.
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness Real issues concerning repetition, I think, are the fact that the word "drunken" is repeated twice, even though the very first line and the general looney-ness of the poem establishes that mood, and that moonlight is used twice, but in ways not sufficiently different to truly inform each other. "hours of drunkenness" does feel a little easy, whereas "drunken walks" feels necessary, making perfectly clear the true role of the first line; and though "moonbeam shallows" feels also somewhat lazy, the later echo of "mermaid shadows" makes it indispensable, while "moon's pale lamp of loneliness", though integral to the poem, doesn't necessarily make it indispensable, as it feels (not quite sure in this case, though) equally close to ease, and the "moon" could be substituted for something equally close to the setting, like, say, an actual lamp.
that burns not for me.
But yes, good work -- reminds me not just of the poem Prufrock, but also the book in which it was first contained.

[Achebe]

@ameja, kole, Lizziep and RN - thanks for your inputs.

@kole - yes, the images are disjointed. I got away with it once, as Basil Fawlty said...but evidently I did not. I'll think about whether I can find some way of getting sense back into the pome.
@ lizziep and @RN - just wanted to say thanks for your feedback. I'll get back to this piece at a later date when I've some time on my hands. Just extremely tied up at the moment, but didn't want you to think that I was ignoring your inputs. Ciao!

[Vanity]

Ok, I friggin loved this. First stanza got me. I loved the repetition of 'not to me' it seemed to hold its weight ...I'm not going to say much else, because there isn't...anything I'd change. It also seems to be one of those poems of 'perfect length '...not too long, nor too short....just right
(-: V

[Achebe]

Ok, I friggin loved this. First stanza got me. I loved the repetition of 'not to me' it seemed to hold its weight ...I'm not going to say much else, because there isn't...anything I'd change. It also seems to be one of those poems of 'perfect length '...not too long, nor too short....just right
(-: V

thanks, Vanity 
glad you liked it.

[artjewl]

Impossible angel

Beer and cigarettes - Interesting and effective line break
and you, your languid locks, - languid is appropriate, and the alliteration is well played, continuing to the next line in always -- the "L" sound itself is a slurring.
are always in my world of drunken walks
through Barbican and Bishopsgate,
in the moonbeam shallows
of walls spattered with poetry.

Thursday nights your longing is a sea - if you intend to liken "Thursday nights" to "a sea crossing" (as you mentioned in another comment), are you addressing Thursday nights? Do you mean to say "Thursday nights, your longing..."? or do you intend to say "on Thursday nights..."? Also, if you mean for crossing to be a noun, I really think you need to keep it with "sea." 
crossing through hours of drunkenness.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows
turn not to me. - At this point, I'm not yet convinced that the inversion is right for the previously established tone...

Impossible angel -wonderful pairing
that runs not to me. - ...but the repetition helps me buy the inversion.

But runs to the deep sea's emptiness
in the white frothed wave that follows - I think "white frothed" should be hyphenated.
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness
that burns not for me. - 

Overall, I find this to be a beautiful piece in which alliteration enhances the lyrical quality. The line breaks are strong and help to underscore the imagery. I think it's nearly done -- it just needs a little clarification.

[nikkisto]

So I am currently without laptop and making my comments via mobile, and too afraid to mess with the layout for An actual line by line, it also messes with my formatting and editing so I apologize for any typos....I do promise to try and catch them as they are irritating as all hell.
I do like the line break better at the 'and you', seconded by previous poster. It seems a more resolute image in my mind and lends more illusion to the next line. I like how you carried sea and crossing across the line break, it leaves an opening there for the mind to play, subtle. I wonder at some word cuts in the last stanza. It may add some strength though where you are looking to reinforce a level of 'drunkeness' in the tone, stylistic only perhaps. "But runs to the deep sea (emptiness at night implied) in the white frothed wave (I loved that bit), the moons pale lamp that burns not for me. I feel this mirrors a strength in line that shifts in. Hope this is at least useful in some measure. Thanks for indulging the feedback.

Impossible angel

Beer and cigarettes
and you, your languid locks,
are always in my world of drunken walks
through Barbican and Bishopsgate,
in the moonbeam shallows
of walls spattered with poetry.

Thursday nights your longing is a sea
crossing through hours of drunkenness.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows
turn not to me.

Impossible angel
that runs not to me.

But runs to the deep sea's emptiness
in the white frothed wave that follows
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness
that burns not for me.

[IgorSShute]

Beer and cigarettes
and you, your languid locks, For me languid just isn't the right pick. Maybe something like restful or frail? Just a thought
are always in my world of drunken walks Drunkenness works great in the second stanza, so you might want to change this. Perhaps use blurred, longing, midnight or anything that can be associated with it.
through Barbican and Bishopsgate,
in the moonbeam shallows Cut "the"
of walls spattered with poetry.

Thursday nights your longing is a sea Thursday nights should be left out. "Your longing is a sea" is a good line, it is unnecessary to delay the poetry/sea rhyme.
crossing through hours of drunkenness.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows mermaid's? You can cut "the"
turn not to me.

Impossible angel
that runs not to me. who runs not to me

But runs to the deep sea's emptiness "the" can be removed here as well. And maybe deepest instead of deep?
in the white frothed wave that follows you can leave it here
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness and you definitely should leave it here.
that burns not for me.

[Achebe]

@artjewl - thanks for your crit. Some fantastic points there, told crisply. I probably won't act on them immediately, but save them for a later revision.
@nikkisto - I type on my mobile all the time, so I completely understand. The 'and you' in the line above changes the emphasis slightly for me, but it's a valid suggestion and thanks for that.
@Igor - I don't quite agree with your suggestions, as they change the intended sonics and rhythm of the poem, but thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

[rollingbrianjones]

First - I totally got this poem. Quite a few "I feel that too"s. Sometimes that inhibits my ability in providing indepth criticism so apologies if I'm brief.

After being inspired by a previous comment ^ in terms of the Impossible angel not fitting with the consistent theme of the sea...

Impossible angel
that runs not to me.

Impervious Siren
that sings not to me.

Sorry for taking the liberty of changing "Impossible" too, Impervious just hit me as a word I thought describes a siren with more aplomb... just a suggestion or something for you to have a play with. It may be too flowery for a very personal piece.

Regarding lots of previous comments that struggled grasping certain lines, I found nothing out of place, all messages clear and very artistically put. Enjoyed.

[RC James]

achebe - This has a flow interruptus to  ot somehow. Four or five lines are lyrically spotless and then are followed by a klunker.
Impossible angel

Beer and cigarettes
and you, your languid locks,
are always in my world of drunken walks
through Barbican and Bishopsgate,
in the moonbeam shallows

of walls spattered with poetry.

this last line throws the rhythm off for me.
maybe poetry spattered walls.

Thursday nights your longing is a sea
crossing through hours of drunkenness

drunken hours

Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows
turn not to me.

Impossible angel
that runs not to me.

But runs to the deep sea's emptiness
in the white frothed wave that follows
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness

the moon's pale lonely lamp

that burns not for me.

otherwise quite fine, RC

[Achebe]

rolling and RC, thanks for your inputs.
I think changing the word order to what you are suggesting will spoil the sonics, but I'll give it a thought.

[just mercedes]

Impossible angel

Beer and cigarettes
and you, your languid locks,
are always in my world of drunken walks
through Barbican and Bishopsgate,
in the moonbeam shallows
of walls spattered with poetry. The change from poetic in the line above to prosaic in this line is too abrupt for me. I keep wanting this line to truncate to 'of poetry-spattered walls'.

Thursday nights your longing is a sea
crossing through hours of drunkenness.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows
turn not to me. I really don't like unnatural word order inversion, not only here, but generally - what's wrong with 'don't turn to me'?

Impossible angel
that runs not to me. Again, this reads clunkily to me.

But runs to the deep sea's emptiness
in the white frothed wave that follows
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness great imagery and sound, but three in a row - deep sea's emptiness, white frothed wave, and moon's pale lamp - feels overladen.
that burns not for me. Works not for me.

I've read this a few times now. There's a great heart to it but I think you can trim more.

[zorcas]

Impossible angel

Beer and cigarettes
and you, your languid locks, you cluster beer, butts and her, suggesting equal worth for all; is she also a bad habit?
are always in my world of drunken walks
through Barbican and Bishopsgate,
in the moonbeam shallows
of walls spattered with poetry.

Thursday nights your longing is a sea why does she long for a drunk? Have you redemptive qualities or virtues you haven't explained, though that would have to be skillfully done so as to not seem boastful and self-aggrandizing?
crossing through hours of drunkenness.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows
turn not to me.

Impossible angel
that runs not to me. problem is that self-pity for being ignored by the angel is not offset in any way in this poem because it generates in the reader at most pity, surely nothing a poet should care for---yet the poem does absolutely nothing to counter.

But runs to the deep sea's emptiness
in the white frothed wave that follows
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness
that burns not for me. indeed, as pointed out elsewhere, it does burn for thee.

[Achebe]

Impossible angel 

Beer and cigarettes
and you, your languid locks, you cluster beer, butts and her, suggesting equal worth for all; is she also a bad habit? ....The next line makes the reason behind the grouping obvious.
are always in my world of drunken walks
through Barbican and Bishopsgate,
in the moonbeam shallows
of walls spattered with poetry.

Thursday nights your longing is a sea ... the longing is the poet's, not hers. I had a beer last evening. Doesn't make me a drunk  . why does she long for a drunk? Have you redemptive qualities or virtues you haven't explained, though that would have to be skillfully done so as to not seem boastful and self-aggrandizing? 
crossing through hours of drunkenness.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows
turn not to me.

Impossible angel
that runs not to me. problem is that self-pity for being ignored by the angel is not offset in any way in this poem because it generates in the reader at most pity, surely nothing a poet should care for---yet the poem does absolutely nothing to counter.....didn't understand this. Does every poem need to have a backstory?

But runs to the deep sea's emptiness
in the white frothed wave that follows
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness
that burns not for me. indeed, as pointed out elsewhere, it does burn for thee. ....  I'm not clear which 'elsewhere' you are referring to and what you mean by that.

Thanks for reading and commenting

[tectak]

Hi Ache,
This is a Moody Effort if a little MeloDramatic....ME and MD are common bedfellows so it may be wise of me not to mention that again but to stick to the grammar/construction/ word use as I see it. So here goes.

Impossible angel

Beer and cigarettes Too early for a cliche call but you sail close...
and you, your languid locks, The "andiness" may become a problem...has become a problem..but primarily because you lose coherency by trying to get out what you want to say without thinking about the message. So. "...and you WITH your languid locks..." clarifies the the next "and" links "you"  to "my world of..", NOT "your locks". Yes?
are always in my world of drunken walks In the next stanza you refer to drunkenness again. That's OK but is it relevant twice? You are making a case here for "deep thinking" and the power of observation so it may be that there is a general failing in this piece...only a small failing...which keeps manifesting itself as an enebriation. This has the effect of inroducing uncertainty in the deftness of the poetic execution. I cannot tell if you were drunk when you wrote this piece and that is unsettling my critical thinking. I will clarify. I think what you are saying is "..through Barbican and Bishopsgate, (where) in the moonbeam shallows (?) the walls are spattered with poetry.." If you think this is pedantic, it is...but read on..
through Barbican and Bishopsgate,
in the moonbeam shallows
of walls spattered with poetry.

Thursday nights your longing is a sea
crossing through hours of drunkenness.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows
turn not to me. OK, here we are. Now this is the definitive failng stanza. You are thinking thoughts but not transmitting poetry. I read this  thus. " (On) Thursday nights your longing is (for) a sea-crossing through hours of drunkenness...", BUT it could mean "(On) Thursday nights, your longing is a sea, crossing through hours of drunkenness" or " (On) Thursday nights, your longing is a sea-crossing through hours of drunkenness" . It's fine to have a choice....but what do YOU mean?

Impossible angel
that runs not to me. Nice but for the now (after two repeats) predictable inversion. What are they ("turn not to me" and "run not to me") there for? Oh, of course, the MD; as is the gratuitous cliff-fall in to the next stanza with a period push-off and a "but" to land on.

But runs to the deep sea's emptiness
in the white frothed wave that follows
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness
that burns not for me. Now this is pretty dire. I fully appreciate the poignancy inherent in this stanza, and to a degree I can empathise with the character...note, the character, not YOU.
I am though, more felled by the emotive word use...deep, emptiness, moon, pale, loneliness, burns...than by the MEANING of it all...and I think YOU were,too.

Overall, the moodiness is your saviour. I cannot see greater depth than what you have let spread on the water like thin oil. If anything, it needs to clarify the deep thinking. I love the "Impossible Angel" implication but I just don't SEE her. What I do see is what you have stuck under my pince nez...and it is not enough. I need polarised lenses to see beneath the surface.
Best,
tectak

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