Present

[nikkisto]

Ok, here goes my first run at revisions. I found this much harder than anticipated, running over single words over and over again   I hope that I was able to put into place more of the poetic discipline Leanne talked about, I certainly felt the constraints of it this time. In a positive, challenge yourself kind of way, of course. Have at it! Any level of critique is appreciated, no need to soften remarks.

Edit 1 (with revision)-

Valley of Fire, Red Rock, Seven Sisters.
Hallowed sites of this new home
lush with alliteration and untapped adventure,
but devoid of the emerald blanket of life
now only in the corners of my self.

Intangible in farness, 
ever present in ensuing doubt.
See what you have tossed aside.
The origin site, rolling with the rushing water of life.
Veiled to you once more.

Time, space, promise, hope.
Ideas circling shadows of the new,
dropping seeds of antiquity into this cracked earth.
Let the heat of this place embrace you.
Feel it leverage its brazen promise against your gray regret.

Listen again in this rough breeze,
the vibrant hues live against the sky,
the life that pulses out of sight.
I am here, your Eden of reprieve,
I am here. We are here.

Original-

Valley of Fire, Red Rock, Seven Sisters.
All the hallowed sites of this new home
lush with alliteration, description, and untapped adventure,
but devoid of the thick, emerald blankets of trees and life
that live now only in the corners of my self.

These are missed, and unreal.
Intangible in their farness, yet ever present in the doubting voice that follows,
See what you had, what you tossed aside without thought.
The origin site, rolling with rock and magma, and the wholly saturating water of life
Once left is masked once more.

Time, space, promise, hope.
Ideas circling the shadows of the new,
Dropping seeds of antiquity into this dry, cracked earth.
Let the heat of this place embrace every inch of you.
Feel it loosening, lengthening, leveraging
the promise of adventure against the cold gray hand of nostalgia.

Listen again, in this rough yet gentle breeze.
Listen again, in the vibrancy of colors and hues live against the sky.
Listen again, in the life that pulses just out of sight,
scurrying underfoot at the turn of your back.

I am here, it says.
The gates have not closed to you,
your Eden of respite and reprieve, comfortingly unknown,
I am here. 
We are here.

[Leanne]

You know what, Nikkisto? This is the best debut poem I've read on this site for a very long time. There is a distinct battle between the yearning of nostalgia and the realisation that it's a pointless yearning for time, not place. It's clear there's been a move from milder climes to the Outback, or desert, or whatever you happen to call it -- somewhere less hospitable, as these things are understood by people who haven't lived in that sort of place all their lives. There's a struggle to appreciate, with a decision to do so.

Occasionally you overdo the contrasts and there are a number of wasted words here -- in the second line, you don't need "all the", for example. I think the word "unreal" is unnecessary also -- it's not strong and adds nothing that isn't made clear by the following lines. I was not sold on "farness" until I read it through a few times, and now I think that it's precisely correct.

As an exercise, you could benefit from going over this and taking out words that are only synonyms of others, not adding nuance. Then remove anything that makes obvious what you want to subtly imply. Then words that are little more than stage directions.

You have a good poem here and it's clear that there are plenty more in you. I'm quite excited by your promise and can't wait to see what happens when you master some of the discipline of poetry.

[nikkisto]

You know what, Nikkisto?  This is the best debut poem I've read on this site for a very long time.  There is a distinct battle between the yearning of nostalgia and the realisation that it's a pointless yearning for time, not place.  It's clear there's been a move from milder climes to the Outback, or desert, or whatever you happen to call it -- somewhere less hospitable, as these things are understood by people who haven't lived in that sort of place all their lives.  There's a struggle to appreciate, with a decision to do so.  

Occasionally you overdo the contrasts and there are a number of wasted words here -- in the second line, you don't need "all the", for example.  I think the word "unreal" is unnecessary also -- it's not strong and adds nothing that isn't made clear by the following lines.  I was not sold on "farness" until I read it through a few times, and now I think that it's precisely correct.  

As an exercise, you could benefit from going over this and taking out words that are only synonyms of others, not adding nuance.  Then remove anything that makes obvious what you want to subtly imply.  Then words that are little more than stage directions.  

You have a good poem here and it's clear that there are plenty more in you.  I'm quite excited by your promise and can't wait to see what happens when you master some of the discipline of poetry.

Wow, thank you for the kind words and for the clear edit suggestions. They give me a great path for current changes, but also guidelines for future work. It is very much appreciated! 

[Todd]

Hello nikkisto, welcome to the site!

Given that this is in the novice forum I will deliberately hold back from the sort of line by line critique that this deserves. I feel like what you have here is that block of marble that is almost the sculpture it could be. So let me give you some brief feedback on what I feel is a really promising piece.

You use expansive flourishes in your language. It's like the speaker is bubbling over. You tend to stack descriptor upon descriptor. While this can work, there are many moments where it actually over rotates a bit and steals power from the other words. I think your next pass is an editing one where you pare down the excess. Make the phrase demand that it remain. When you have two to three elements building on the same area, look to remove one or two of them and see if that doesn't enhance the power of the piece. This could be as simple as considering dry, cracked earth or colors and hues. I'm not even making suggestions because I think a light touch is better at this point of the life cycle of the poem.

I enjoyed the read. I hope to see more from you.

Best,

Todd

[nikkisto]

Hello nikkisto, welcome to the site!

Given that this is in the novice forum I will deliberately hold back from the sort of line by line critique that this deserves. I feel like what you have here is that block of marble that is almost the sculpture it could be. So let me give you some brief feedback on what I feel is a really promising piece.

You use expansive flourishes in your language. It's like the speaker is bubbling over. You tend to stack descriptor upon descriptor. While this can work, there are many moments where it actually over rotates a bit and steals power from the other words. I think your next pass is an editing one where you pare down the excess. Make the phrase demand that it remain. When you have two to three elements building on the same area, look to remove one or two of them and see if that doesn't enhance the power of the piece. This could be as simple as considering dry, cracked earth or colors and hues. I'm not even making suggestions because I think a light touch is better at this point of the life cycle of the poem.

I enjoyed the read. I hope to see more from you.

Best,

Todd

Thank you for the welcome, and for the stellar feedback. I think you've hit the nail on the head, in my technical writing I find myself backing away from the strength of my idea through excessive examples or fluff. I can see that I've brought that here as well. It feels a bit of a risk to just put something out there straight forwardly, but that's the point isn't it? 

[Leanne]

Excellent revision, well done!  A few points to consider below.  

This is only the novice forum so we're not getting down to absolute nitty-gritty, but from what we've seen, you're perfectly capable of throwing your next poem into Serious with the big kids

Edit 1-

Valley of Fire, Red Rock, Seven Sisters.
Hallowed sites of this new home
lush with alliteration and untapped adventure,
devoid of the emerald blanket of life -- I do think this needs the "but" to work best as a comparison
now only in the corners of my self.

Intangible in farness, 
ever present in ensuing doubt.
See what you have tossed aside.
The origin site, rolling with the rushing water of life.
Veiled to you once more.

Time, space, promise, hope.
Ideas circling shadows of the new,
dropping seeds of antiquity into this cracked earth.
Let the heat of this place embrace you.
Feel it leveraging its brazen promise against your gray regret. -- try just "leverage"

Listen again in this rough breeze,
the vibrancy of hues live against the sky, -- this should be "lives" as there's only one vibrancy -- however, you might consider just "vibrant hues" instead
the life that pulses out of sight.
I am here, your Eden of reprieve,
I am here. We are here.

Original-

Valley of Fire, Red Rock, Seven Sisters.
All the hallowed sites of this new home
lush with alliteration, description, and untapped adventure,
but devoid of the thick, emerald blankets of trees and life
that live now only in the corners of my self.

These are missed, and unreal.
Intangible in their farness, yet ever present in the doubting voice that follows,
See what you had, what you tossed aside without thought.
The origin site, rolling with rock and magma, and the wholly saturating water of life
Once left is masked once more.

Time, space, promise, hope.
Ideas circling the shadows of the new,
Dropping seeds of antiquity into this dry, cracked earth.
Let the heat of this place embrace every inch of you.
Feel it loosening, lengthening, leveraging
the promise of adventure against the cold gray hand of nostalgia.

Listen again, in this rough yet gentle breeze.
Listen again, in the vibrancy of colors and hues live against the sky.
Listen again, in the life that pulses just out of sight,
scurrying underfoot at the turn of your back.

I am here, it says.
The gates have not closed to you,
your Eden of respite and reprieve, comfortingly unknown,
I am here. 
We are here.

[ellajam]

Moved to Serious at the Op's request.

[nikkisto]

Does anyone have anything for this piece? I understand it is probably still very early and has a lot of space to work from. I am very serious about work shopping this and trying to improve. I've not run from our serious critics in the past. I'll try and leave more feedback for others in this forum as well. Please feel free to go to town if need be. There will be no hurt feelings, just eager work! Thanks in advance!

Ok, here goes my first run at revisions. I found this much harder than anticipated, running over single words over and over again   I hope that I was able to put into place more of the poetic discipline Leanne talked about, I certainly felt the constraints of it this time. In a positive, challenge yourself kind of way, of course. Have at it! Any level of critique is appreciated, no need to soften remarks.

Edit 1 (with revision)-

Valley of Fire, Red Rock, Seven Sisters.
Hallowed sites of this new home
lush with alliteration and untapped adventure,
but devoid of the emerald blanket of life
now only in the corners of my self.

Intangible in farness, 
ever present in ensuing doubt.
See what you have tossed aside.
The origin site, rolling with the rushing water of life.
Veiled to you once more.

Time, space, promise, hope.
Ideas circling shadows of the new,
dropping seeds of antiquity into this cracked earth.
Let the heat of this place embrace you.
Feel it leverage its brazen promise against your gray regret.

Listen again in this rough breeze,
the vibrant hues live against the sky,
the life that pulses out of sight.
I am here, your Eden of reprieve,
I am here. We are here.

Original-

Valley of Fire, Red Rock, Seven Sisters.
All the hallowed sites of this new home
lush with alliteration, description, and untapped adventure,
but devoid of the thick, emerald blankets of trees and life
that live now only in the corners of my self.

These are missed, and unreal.
Intangible in their farness, yet ever present in the doubting voice that follows,
See what you had, what you tossed aside without thought.
The origin site, rolling with rock and magma, and the wholly saturating water of life
Once left is masked once more.

Time, space, promise, hope.
Ideas circling the shadows of the new,
Dropping seeds of antiquity into this dry, cracked earth.
Let the heat of this place embrace every inch of you.
Feel it loosening, lengthening, leveraging
the promise of adventure against the cold gray hand of nostalgia.

Listen again, in this rough yet gentle breeze.
Listen again, in the vibrancy of colors and hues live against the sky.
Listen again, in the life that pulses just out of sight,
scurrying underfoot at the turn of your back.

I am here, it says.
The gates have not closed to you,
your Eden of respite and reprieve, comfortingly unknown,
I am here. 
We are here.

[Leanne]

It's really nice to become reacquainted with this poem.  It still feels lush and very connected to the land, but is stronger now.

Edit 1 (with revision)-

Valley of Fire, Red Rock, Seven Sisters.
Hallowed sites of this new home
lush with alliteration and untapped adventure,
but devoid of the emerald blanket of life
now only in the corners of my self.

Intangible in farness, -- I like "farness", it's very evocative, somewhat more childlike than distance and therefore more primal
ever present in ensuing doubt.
See what you have tossed aside. -- could you use a colon here instead of a full stop?
The origin site, rolling with the rushing water of life. -- and maybe a comma here
Veiled to you once more.

Time, space, promise, hope.
Ideas circling shadows of the new,
dropping seeds of antiquity into this cracked earth. -- these are gorgeous lines
Let the heat of this place embrace you. -- the full stop feels wrong here too
Feel it leverage its brazen promise against your gray regret. -- I'd take out "its"

Listen again in this rough breeze, -- the use of "in" instead of "to" brings a subtle, unexpected and quite lovely difference to this line
the vibrant hues live against the sky, -- live here and then life on the next line is a bit repetitive -- you can find a better word than live, I'd say
the life that pulses out of sight.
I am here, your Eden of reprieve,
I am here. We are here.

Still beautiful, and edging closer to pure excellence.

[nikkisto]

Leanne, as always with this one, I'm so grateful for such a great crit. I see the subtleties of the punctuation and see how it makes the words play off the lines. So much layering there, I will play more but feel you've hit the nail on the head with your suggestions. Thank you for the response!

It's really nice to become reacquainted with this poem.  It still feels lush and very connected to the land, but is stronger now.

Edit 1 (with revision)-

Valley of Fire, Red Rock, Seven Sisters.
Hallowed sites of this new home
lush with alliteration and untapped adventure,
but devoid of the emerald blanket of life
now only in the corners of my self.

Intangible in farness, -- I like "farness", it's very evocative, somewhat more childlike than distance and therefore more primal
ever present in ensuing doubt.
See what you have tossed aside. -- could you use a colon here instead of a full stop?
The origin site, rolling with the rushing water of life. -- and maybe a comma here
Veiled to you once more.

Time, space, promise, hope.
Ideas circling shadows of the new,
dropping seeds of antiquity into this cracked earth. -- these are gorgeous lines
Let the heat of this place embrace you. -- the full stop feels wrong here too
Feel it leverage its brazen promise against your gray regret. -- I'd take out "its"

Listen again in this rough breeze, -- the use of "in" instead of "to" brings a subtle, unexpected and quite lovely difference to this line
the vibrant hues live against the sky, -- live here and then life on the next line is a bit repetitive -- you can find a better word than live, I'd say
the life that pulses out of sight.
I am here, your Eden of reprieve,
I am here. We are here.

Still beautiful, and edging closer to pure excellence.

[artjewl]

Edit 1 (with revision)-

Valley of Fire, Red Rock, Seven Sisters.
Hallowed sites of this new home
lush with alliteration and untapped adventure,  - "alliteration" takes me out of the poem, distracts me from the imagery already established. Though I understand why you'd like it there, do you need it? I suggest cutting it to let the alliteration do it's thing anonymously.    Likewise, "untapped" feels inconsistent with the tone. Consider "waiting" or "fresh" in its place, to echo the greenness.
but devoid of the emerald blanket of life -- why not "void" instead of "devoid"?  
now only in the corners of my self. 

Intangible in farness, -- I too like "farness"
ever present in ensuing doubt. -- hyphenate "ever-present"; nice assonance
See what you have tossed aside. -- I agree with Leanne's suggestion to use a colon here, or an emdash ("—" = Alt+0151 on windows)
The origin site, rolling with the rushing water of life. --... and I second a comma here.
Veiled to you once more.

Time, space, promise, hope.
Ideas circling shadows of the new, -- maybe make the connection explicitly to birds circling, name the ideas as hawks or vultures... Not necessary, but an opportunity for another image to extend the metaphor.
dropping seeds of antiquity into this cracked earth.
Let the heat of this place embrace you. -- with a comma here instead, you could trim the next line...
Feel it leverage its brazen promise against your gray regret. -- "leverage" feels out of place; I know it's a bit drastic, but consider trimming "feel it leverage its"

Listen again in this rough breeze, -- do you need "again"? I do love "rough breeze"
the vibrant hues live against the sky, -- I know it changes the line a bit, but you could cut "live." 
the life that pulses out of sight.
I am here, your Eden of reprieve,
I am here. We are here.

One more thing: you use "life" 3 times plus "live" once. As I said, I think you can cut the instance of "live," but I'd also suggest finding other ways to say (or cut) "life" to one instance. It's one of those words that "a little goes a long way."

I can feel the Nevada heat in this. It's beautiful. 

[Lizzie]

Hi again, nikkisto! I really like this, so I'd like to comment if it's not too late?

I live in the pacific northwest, so the emerald/grey imagery is right at home with me. I'm not originally from here, but it's where I am now.

I agree with everything that Leanne said. The changes she suggested will really tighten things up and give your imagery more impact. I agree with both Leanne and artjewel that you want to find some other words beyond 'life' and 'live.' And I do have a couple thoughts of my own:

Edit 1 (with revision)-

Valley of Fire, Red Rock, Seven Sisters. -- I'd put a colon at the end here.
Hallowed sites of this new home
lush with alliteration and untapped adventure, -- I think you should say 'lush ONLY with alliteration...' to make it clearer that you're in the desert now and moving out of a greener environment.
but devoid of the emerald blanket of life
now only in the corners of my self.

Intangible in farness, 
ever present in ensuing doubt. -- It's hard for my tongue to move easily between 'in' and 'ensuing.' It feels awkward to say aloud. I don't even think you need this line because you state above that it lives with you in the corners, and further on you speak about regret. I'd consider cutting it. If you do, you might combine 'intangible in farness' like thus: 'See what you have tossed aside! The origin site -- intangible in farness -- rolling with the rushing water....' or something like that.
See what you have tossed aside.
The origin site, rolling with the rushing water of life.
Veiled to you once more.

Time, space, promise, hope.  -- I'd put a colon at the end here to make it perfectly clear that these are the ideas that are circling, so readers don't erroneously assume that it's a random collection of nouns.
Ideas circling shadows of the new,
dropping seeds of antiquity into this cracked earth.
Let the heat of this place embrace you.
Feel it leverage its brazen promise against your gray regret.

Listen again in this rough breeze,  -- TO this rough breeze?
the vibrant hues live against the sky,
the life that pulses out of sight. -- I confess, I don't understand life pulsing out of sight. I can make a guess, but I'd probably be wrong. Or is it intended to be listening again for the life that pulses out of sight? I'd see if you can clear this up a little more.
I am here, your Eden of reprieve,
I am here. We are here.  -- I think your ending is strong.

I enjoyed this very much. Thanks for posting!