Drinking The Dregs

[Keith]

Did you abandon your writing?

I sit and pick the label from
a bottle of Newcastle brown,
drowning seems to be the forecast. Picking the label, I already feel I've been sitting a while, and drowning as the forecast seems your intention to sit much longer drinking.
Bubbles shoot like space invaders,here do you mean the video game? Maybe there's a better analogy more earthly.
gathered gas collects in the neck
conspiring to make me cough.I don't think gas conspires, but it does add a paranoid aspect to the alcoholism.
Programmed spots do a lonely robot,
the empty floor reveals their dance,
a change in colour breaks the trance.this seels like the lonely robot is not a single dancer, but the disco ball itself which is interesting

Its happy hour, so I smile and knock back,here you make a change to break the trance you've set me up to.
double Pernod mixed with cider and black,
the red witch trips tongues, turns eyes into slits is the red witch the Pernod? I'm unfamiliar
but no one around me gives a shit. The alcohols really coming out uncouth here.
My table tops awash with slops,
I fold and float a rizzla boatand it seems your getting sloppy, are rhythm counts important thorough here? I count a lot of 8s and 10s, but it doesn't seem to make a pattern.
then sail outside for another smoke.
A damaged bloke gets his tattoos too close,
my shoulder goes cold but he won't be told,
is it red or blue to diffuse a fight?I'm really enjoying the imagery but what is red or blue?
a prison thin roll-uptotally lost here
seems to make things alright.over all a weak closing line.  Like a little bit of maybe excitement made the drollery of peeling labels at the bar.

Come back and edit it! Or did you and I looked in the wrong place?

Hi CRNDLSM
I didn't abandon this, it just didn't spark any interest. So thank you for the bump, you must be searching out the 0 comments list. There was a lot I wasn't happy with in this poem ie shoulders going cold and space invaders I was also unsure if the spotlights dancing in a programmed formation would work but you seemed ok with the line. Thank you for the comments they help target an edit and I will have a go and see what comes out. I did have another version of this that was even worse, I will say that I wasn't looking for a big finish I wanted to convey a sense of drunken apathy to the nearly fights and talking shite evenings lots of us have had over the years. Red or blue was just about cutting a wire to diffuse the situation that only two really drunk people can get themselves into. Much appreciated, Keith