08-27-2016, 07:03 PM
Hi Alic! I have a couple of thoughts for you. Overall, I think this is a really good first attempt. I see potential here (as long as you follow my instructions, of course 
) Kidding. Ok, here we go.
I think you have a lot of room to expand with more metaphor, simile, images -- push yourself to come up with evocative details that set the scene or provide some kind of backstory for this struggle. I'd like to hear more about how this struggle came to be and who the players are. I feel like what you have here is the backbone, the initial brainstorm of the poem and now you need to go into the details and really flesh it out.
Hope this helps some,
lizziep
) Kidding. Ok, here we go. (08-27-2016, 03:02 AM)Alic Elliot Wrote: Sitting at homeI like that you're making use of rhyme.
Feeling alone
Homework piled high
I stare at it and sigh -- I think these four lines are good to place the story (home, sitting, staring at homework). I get the feeling of exhaustion and overwhelm from the sigh.
Heightened expectations
Crippling limitations -- These two lines need more show and less tell. What expectations? Who do you feel them from? What kind of limitations? What are they crippling, your emotions, your mental clarity, your sleep cycle, anything concrete. Right now I'm having to guess at what you mean, and I don't like that. Readers are lazy -- you need to spoon feed us.
I have to do well
Or end up in a living hell
And a job I hate
Doomed to my fate -- I like that these lines detail the fears associated with the heightened expectations.
I set my bar higher than I can reach -- 'setting the bar high' feels like a cliche. I'd try to re-word this. And maybe show what the standard you're trying to achieve looks like, what it would feel like to achieve it.
“You can do it"- Time to practice what I preach -- practice what I preach is a cliche as well. Also, you don't tell us what it is that you preach, so its not connected well to the rest of the piece.
No mistakes
Limited breaks -- I don't think this line adds much. I feel like it's only there to provide the rhyme.
Have to work faster
Push myself harder
To meet expectations
There's no exceptions -- I think the ending works well. It's forward looking, which is good and it leaves the reader with a bit of tension about whether the speaker will "make it" or not.
I think you have a lot of room to expand with more metaphor, simile, images -- push yourself to come up with evocative details that set the scene or provide some kind of backstory for this struggle. I'd like to hear more about how this struggle came to be and who the players are. I feel like what you have here is the backbone, the initial brainstorm of the poem and now you need to go into the details and really flesh it out.
Hope this helps some,
lizziep