One Way to End an Affair

[71degrees]

A candle’s dying
makes the candle
live longer, as nothing
is not by its own ceasing
still alive—

not time, nor light,
nor my love for you.

Everything is red
at some point in its existence:
ecstasy consumed,
some a bit shorter—

like paraphrasing
my love for you.

All things are like candles,
even heavy stones—

even my love for you.

[Achebe]

Hello 71. Some thoughts below. Thanks for posting.

The title is a spoiler. I think the poem begins nicely, so it's a good idea to keep the reader guessing as to where you are going until the end.

A candle’s dying
makes the candle
live longer, as nothing  ...nice hook for the opening. An intriguing, clever statement. 
is not by its own ceasing ...I have read and read and re-read and still can't make sense of this. It's some sort of elaborate metaphysical conceit.'Nothing is not by its own ceasing still alive' - meaning that anything is by its own ceasing still alive. what on earth does that mean? I'd suggest changing the sentence to mean something else - one example shown below.
still kept alive— ...inserting the word changes the meaning, but I'm trying to find an alternative to the original statement. see above.

not time, nor light,
nor my love for you. ...'time / light' - too many love poems have grand, cosmic words like 'time', 'light', 'life' thrown in - these are quite cliched. Moreover, I think that it's still to early to reveal where you're going with the poem, and it's better to just delete this.

Everything is red ..nice
at some point in its existence: ..this line is way too long
ecstasy consumed,
some a bit slower—

like paraphrasing
my love for you. ...again, I'd suggest waiting until the end and removing this

All things are like candles,
(I'd suggest a line here)
even heavy stones—
even my love for you. perhaps 'and' instead of 'even' in the new poem

[Lizzie]

Hi, 71 -- I just have a couple of thoughts.

A candle’s dying
makes the candle
live longer, as nothing
is not by its own ceasing -- this line and the one above were hard for me to trudge through. I understand the point, the phrasing just feels clunky and it seems like such a round-about way of saying something. It's also quite philosophical in a poem that seems to me like it should be more emotive, more raw.
still alive—

not time, nor light,
nor my love for you.

Everything is red
at some point in its existence: -- I don't think you need "in its existence"
ecstasy consumed,
some a bit slower— -- "some" gave me fits. I think it is supposed to pair with 'everything' but I read it multiple times as pairing with 'ecstasy,' so that led me into some confusion.

like paraphrasing -- I guess I don't understand what the 'like' links to. Which part of the previous stanza is like paraphrasing?
my love for you.

All things are like candles,
even heavy stones—

even my love for you.

Yeah, I guess my main quibble is that it sounds so detached. I'm not getting sucked into the drama of the flame going out, I'm having it described to me and expounded upon philosophically. It's like a love is ending and the speaker is trying to distance themselves from the grief of it, but I need the speaker to gaze into the grief for a moment to capture me.

I hope this helps some

lizziep

[Brownlie]

A candle’s dying
makes the candle
live longer, as nothing  -- This is  cool. I could see how this links to affairs. Possibly if you keep going with the adultery (the fiery candle?) than it can be detrimental.
is not by its own ceasing
still alive— -- I'm a bit confused at this point, so maybe clarify to flush things out. I guess with rational type arguments though sometimes things can get sort of confusing.

not time, nor light,
nor my love for you.

Everything is red
at some point in its existence:
ecstasy consumed,
some a bit slower— 

like paraphrasing -- So who are you paraphrasing? I'm not sure I have the wit to work through this. 
my love for you.

All things are like candles,
even heavy stones—
i guess
even my love for you. -- I think the actual word love can be OK. I guess the poem just has to be an original love poem.

If other people get what you mean, and the formation of the poem enhances it I don't think clarity is an issue. For me, I thought the poem compared an affair to a candle. Maybe clarifying some things will help you edit?

[71degrees]

Hi 71,

I most enjoyed these lines: “All things are like candles, / even heavy stones.” I like the unexpected juxtaposition of the candle and the stone. That being said, I also found myself disagreeing with the idea that all things are like candles. It’s kinda like saying all things are like rubber bands or something.

I felt like this was a very bland poem. I want more flavor. I want specifics. I want a situation.

What do you mean by: “paraphrasing my love for you”? I found this kinda bewildering.

Overall, I enjoyed the read, but think perhaps this might work better as a shorter, more focused poem.

Best of luck,

e

PS: I love your title!

Glad you liked the title, Eric. Thank you. So sorry if you find it very bland.

Only a couple of things in reply: If I had wanted to compare one way to end an affair to a rubber band, I would have written that. And "paraphrasing" by nature is saying something in different words but meaning the same thing. Paraphrasing is a cheap way of not giving credit to anyone.

I hope this helps.

---

Hello 71. Some thoughts below. Thanks for posting.

The title is a spoiler. I think the poem begins nicely, so it's a good idea to keep the reader guessing as to where you are going until the end.

A candle’s dying
makes the candle
live longer, as nothing  ...nice hook for the opening. An intriguing, clever statement. 
is not by its own ceasing ...I have read and read and re-read and still can't make sense of this. It's some sort of elaborate metaphysical conceit.'Nothing is not by its own ceasing still alive' - meaning that anything is by its own ceasing still alive. what on earth does that mean? I'd suggest changing the sentence to mean something else - one example shown below.
still kept alive— ...inserting the word changes the meaning, but I'm trying to find an alternative to the original statement. see above.

not time, nor light,
nor my love for you. ...'time / light' - too many love poems have grand, cosmic words like 'time', 'light', 'life' thrown in - these are quite cliched. Moreover, I think that it's still to early to reveal where you're going with the poem, and it's better to just delete this.

Everything is red ..nice
at some point in its existence: ..this line is way too long
ecstasy consumed,
some a bit slower—

like paraphrasing
my love for you. ...again, I'd suggest waiting until the end and removing this

All things are like candles,
(I'd suggest a line here)
even heavy stones—
even my love for you. perhaps 'and' instead of 'even' in the new poem

Appreciate your suggestions as always. Afraid I have to disagree about the title...this is one of a series. Maybe I'll post another. Kind of like Paul Simon's "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover" (something like that).

I edited one word in the poem. Maybe it will help with the section you're having the most trouble with.

Love your insight. Thank you.

---

Hi, 71 -- I just have a couple of thoughts.

A candle’s dying
makes the candle
live longer, as nothing
is not by its own ceasing -- this line and the one above were hard for me to trudge through. I understand the point, the phrasing just feels clunky and it seems like such a round-about way of saying something. It's also quite philosophical in a poem that seems to me like it should be more emotive, more raw.
still alive—

not time, nor light,
nor my love for you.

Everything is red
at some point in its existence: -- I don't think you need "in its existence"
ecstasy consumed,
some a bit slower— -- "some" gave me fits. I think it is supposed to pair with 'everything' but I read it multiple times as pairing with 'ecstasy,' so that led me into some confusion.

like paraphrasing -- I guess I don't understand what the 'like' links to. Which part of the previous stanza is like paraphrasing?
my love for you.

All things are like candles,
even heavy stones—

even my love for you.

Yeah, I guess my main quibble is that it sounds so detached. I'm not getting sucked into the drama of the flame going out, I'm having it described to me and expounded upon philosophically. It's like a love is ending and the speaker is trying to distance themselves from the grief of it, but I need the speaker to gaze into the grief for a moment to capture me.

I hope this helps some

lizziep

Believe it or not, I'm okay with you being "detached" as a reader, b/c the poem isn't about "love" at all...most affairs aren't. Most affairs are about physical sex. Big difference, in my opinion. And I'm more than glad you find some of it "philosophical" in nature.

I do like the edit of "in its existence"....thank you.

---

A candle’s dying
makes the candle
live longer, as nothing  -- This is  cool. I could see how this links to affairs. Possibly if you keep going with the adultery (the fiery candle?) than it can be detrimental.
is not by its own ceasing
still alive— -- I'm a bit confused at this point, so maybe clarify to flush things out. I guess with rational type arguments though sometimes things can get sort of confusing.

not time, nor light,
nor my love for you.

Everything is red
at some point in its existence:
ecstasy consumed,
some a bit slower— 

like paraphrasing -- So who are you paraphrasing? I'm not sure I have the wit to work through this. 
my love for you.

All things are like candles,
even heavy stones—
i guess
even my love for you. -- I think the actual word love can be OK. I guess the poem just has to be an original love poem.

If other people get what you mean, and the formation of the poem enhances it I don't think clarity is an issue. For me, I thought the poem compared an affair to a candle. Maybe clarifying some things will help you edit?

The poem does compare an affair to a candle. Thank you. If you leave here with that I have succeeded. But it's not about love so if you leave with that maybe I have failed. Such is the wacky world of interpretation, I guess.

Thanks for your thoughts. Appreciate it very much.

[D.MYST]

I like the mysterious atmosphere of the piece however I did not like how the writer TOLD US how to view it. In example with all things being like candles, sort of sounds corny, like "life is like a box of chocolates" It seems done before and too telling.
Maybe make it more specific. "Is this touch like a candle, or a heavy stone?"

[71degrees]

Thanks for the reply, 71.

My issue was with your line saying all things are like candles. I figure that's as random as saying all things are like rubber bands.

I think you need to give us some reason to believe your statement, otherwise it's hard to accept (unless we just take your word for it, which we won't).

Hope this helps clarify my point.

Best,

e

Not really, but thanks for your point. Appreciate all replies.

[ellajam]

Well, hello, :). While a candle dying is overused I still enjoyed what you did with it. Some notes.

A candle’s dying
makes the candle
live longer, as nothing
is not by its own ceasing
still alive—
While I like the use of and break on "nothing" I had to change it in my mind to "everything is by its own ceasing" to follow it. I'm not sure what, if anything, you might do to ease that, or if easing it would help or hinder the poem, just saying.

not time, nor light,
nor my love for you.
This added to my confusion, I might prefer
time,
light,
my love for you.


Everything is red
at some point in its existence:
ecstasy consumed, Strong lines, I like the change in light color to red, I'd like an end-stop here.
some a bit shorter— "Some" is too vague here, some of everything? I think you can do better.

like paraphrasing
my love for you. I like paraphrasing, the condensation of the complicated.

All things are like candles,
even heavy stones—

even my love for you. Lovely last three lines, all the weight we drag around, even when it has burned supposedly to nothing.

I think you have a little bit of work yet to do here, hope my comments help in some way.

[71degrees]

Well, hello, . While a candle dying is overused I still enjoyed what you did with it. Some notes.

A candle’s dying
makes the candle
live longer, as nothing
is not by its own ceasing
still alive—
While I like the use of and break on "nothing" I had to change it in my mind to "everything is by its own ceasing" to follow it. I'm not sure what, if anything, you might do to ease that, or if easing it would help or hinder the poem, just saying.

not time, nor light,
nor my love for you.
This added to my confusion, I might prefer
time,
light,
my love for you.


Everything is red
at some point in its existence:
ecstasy consumed, Strong lines, I like the change in light color to red, I'd like an end-stop here.
some a bit shorter— "Some" is too vague here, some of everything? I think you can do better.

like paraphrasing
my love for you. I like paraphrasing, the condensation of the complicated.

All things are like candles,
even heavy stones—

even my love for you. Lovely last three lines, all the weight we drag around, even when it has burned supposedly to nothing.

I think you have a little bit of work yet to do here, hope my comments help in some way.

Well, hello, back.

Your comments always help. And yes, I have a little bit of work to do here, but that's better than a LOT of work to do here

Glad you like "paraphrasing" and the end line. Am also glad you think the candle angle is fresh. From what I'm hearing from most folks, the "philosophy" of the burning of the candle needs clarification.

Again, thanks.

71degrees

[CRNDLSM]

Hi 71,

I most enjoyed these lines: “All things are like candles, / even heavy stones.” I like the unexpected juxtaposition of the candle and the stone. That being said, I also found myself disagreeing with the idea that all things are like candles. It’s kinda like saying all things are like rubber bands or something.

I felt like this was a very bland poem. I want more flavor. I want specifics. I want a situation.

What do you mean by: “paraphrasing my love for you”? I found this kinda bewildering.

Overall, I enjoyed the read, but think perhaps this might work better as a shorter, more focused poem.

Best of luck,

e

PS: I love your title!

Glad you liked the title, Eric. Thank you.  So sorry if you find it very bland.  

Only a couple of things in reply:  If I had wanted to compare one way to end an affair to a rubber band, I would have written that.  And "paraphrasing" by nature is saying something in different words but meaning the same thing.  Paraphrasing is a cheap way of not giving credit to anyone.  

I hope this helps.

---

Hello 71. Some thoughts below. Thanks for posting.

The title is a spoiler. I think the poem begins nicely, so it's a good idea to keep the reader guessing as to where you are going until the end.

A candle’s dying
makes the candle
live longer, as nothing  ...nice hook for the opening. An intriguing, clever statement. 
is not by its own ceasing ...I have read and read and re-read and still can't make sense of this. It's some sort of elaborate metaphysical conceit.'Nothing is not by its own ceasing still alive' - meaning that anything is by its own ceasing still alive. what on earth does that mean? I'd suggest changing the sentence to mean something else - one example shown below.
still kept alive— ...inserting the word changes the meaning, but I'm trying to find an alternative to the original statement. see above.

not time, nor light,
nor my love for you. ...'time / light' - too many love poems have grand, cosmic words like 'time', 'light', 'life' thrown in - these are quite cliched. Moreover, I think that it's still to early to reveal where you're going with the poem, and it's better to just delete this.

Everything is red ..nice
at some point in its existence: ..this line is way too long
ecstasy consumed,
some a bit slower—

like paraphrasing
my love for you. ...again, I'd suggest waiting until the end and removing this

All things are like candles,
(I'd suggest a line here)
even heavy stones—
even my love for you. perhaps 'and' instead of 'even' in the new poem

Appreciate your suggestions as always.  Afraid I have to disagree about the title...this is one of a series.  Maybe I'll post another.  Kind of like Paul Simon's "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover" (something like that).  

I edited one word in the poem.  Maybe it will help with the section you're having the most trouble with.  

Love your insight.  Thank you.

---

Hi, 71 -- I just have a couple of thoughts.

A candle’s dying
makes the candle
live longer, as nothing
is not by its own ceasing -- this line and the one above were hard for me to trudge through. I understand the point, the phrasing just feels clunky and it seems like such a round-about way of saying something. It's also quite philosophical in a poem that seems to me like it should be more emotive, more raw.
still alive—

not time, nor light,
nor my love for you.

Everything is red
at some point in its existence: -- I don't think you need "in its existence"
ecstasy consumed,
some a bit slower— -- "some" gave me fits. I think it is supposed to pair with 'everything' but I read it multiple times as pairing with 'ecstasy,' so that led me into some confusion.

like paraphrasing -- I guess I don't understand what the 'like' links to. Which part of the previous stanza is like paraphrasing?
my love for you.

All things are like candles,
even heavy stones—

even my love for you.

Yeah, I guess my main quibble is that it sounds so detached. I'm not getting sucked into the drama of the flame going out, I'm having it described to me and expounded upon philosophically. It's like a love is ending and the speaker is trying to distance themselves from the grief of it, but I need the speaker to gaze into the grief for a moment to capture me.

I hope this helps some

lizziep

Believe it or not, I'm okay with you being "detached" as a reader, b/c the poem isn't about "love" at all...most affairs aren't.  Most affairs are about physical sex. Big difference, in my opinion.  And I'm more than glad you find some of it "philosophical" in nature.  

I do like the edit of "in its existence"....thank you.

---

A candle’s dying
makes the candle
live longer, as nothing  -- This is  cool. I could see how this links to affairs. Possibly if you keep going with the adultery (the fiery candle?) than it can be detrimental.
is not by its own ceasing
still alive— -- I'm a bit confused at this point, so maybe clarify to flush things out. I guess with rational type arguments though sometimes things can get sort of confusing.

not time, nor light,
nor my love for you.

Everything is red
at some point in its existence:
ecstasy consumed,
some a bit slower— 

like paraphrasing -- So who are you paraphrasing? I'm not sure I have the wit to work through this. 
my love for you.

All things are like candles,
even heavy stones—
i guess
even my love for you. -- I think the actual word love can be OK. I guess the poem just has to be an original love poem.

If other people get what you mean, and the formation of the poem enhances it I don't think clarity is an issue. For me, I thought the poem compared an affair to a candle. Maybe clarifying some things will help you edit?

The poem does compare an affair to a candle.  Thank you.  If you leave here with that I have succeeded. But it's not about love so if you leave with that maybe I have failed.  Such is the wacky world of interpretation, I guess.  Hard not to, when you mention love as many times as candle

Thanks for your thoughts.  Appreciate it very much.

[Vox_Nihilis]

A candle’s dying
makes the candle
live longer, as nothing
is not by its own ceasing
still alive—

What a powerful stanza. Had to reread it several times just to grasp its full meaning... The concept of relishing life because of imminent death is simply brilliant.

not time, nor light,
nor my love for you.

Everything is red
at some point in its existence:
ecstasy consumed,
some a bit shorter—

"some a bit shorter—" is a confusing line for me. I get "ecstasy consumed," but what is the "some" referring to?

like paraphrasing
my love for you.

This couplet sort of sticks out to me. I'm not entirely sure it fits, but that may have to do with my confusion in the last stanza.

All things are like candles,
even heavy stones—

Everything is dying, yes. Great metaphor here.

even my love for you.

[71degrees]

A candle’s dying
makes the candle
live longer, as nothing
is not by its own ceasing
still alive—

What a powerful stanza. Had to reread it several times just to grasp its full meaning... The concept of relishing life because of imminent death is simply brilliant.

not time, nor light,
nor my love for you.

Everything is red
at some point in its existence:
ecstasy consumed,
some a bit shorter—

"some a bit shorter—" is a confusing line for me. I get "ecstasy consumed," but what is the "some" referring to?

like paraphrasing
my love for you.

This couplet sort of sticks out to me. I'm not entirely sure it fits, but that may have to do with my confusion in the last stanza.

All things are like candles,
even heavy stones—

Everything is dying, yes. Great metaphor here.

even my love for you.

Others having trouble with "some"....Thank you. I need to address this. Thanks for all your comments. Appreciate all of them.