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Justice is an Egg
Edit 1;
“Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”
- anon.
Justice is an egg whose rooster is
white outrage, red revenge,
black vendetta when avengers meet
heeled, spurred, bloody-eyed
drive-by cockfighting.
Justice is an egg whose hen-fowl is
aggrieved acceptance that complies,
tames cocksure savages,
pecks listlessly
but in the end nests, brooding.
Justice is an egg, infertile if
its hen does not conceive:
witnesses hide, terrorized,
lose hope of impartial
but implacable redress by law.
Justice is an egg whose hatchling is
trust - confidence bereaved and victimized
will have their day, witnesses their say.
Offspring of compliance and revenge
trust wobbles but it grows.
original version;
Justice is an egg whose rooster is
white outrage, red revenge,
black vendetta when avengers meet
heeled, spurred, bloody-eyed
drive-by cockfighting
over insults that define them
but happen to be crimes.
Justice is an egg whose hen-fowl is
acceptance, resignation that complies
but briefly tames the cocksure savage,
yields to force majeure,
pecks listlessly
sharp jots and tittles of the law
but in the end nests, brooding.
Justice is an egg, infertile if
its hen does not conceive
or if its rooster’s outrage fails,
witnesses hide, terrorized, lose hope.
Detectives facing surly anti-snitching
shrug and lose their hard resolve,
cannot sell the concept of impartial
but implacable redress by law.
Justice is an egg whose hatchling is
trust - confidence bereaved and victimized
will have their day, and witnesses their say
in safety. Shedding shells of lawyers,
bureaucrats, officials, policies -
offspring of compliance
and revenge, trust wobbles
but it grows.
After reading Ghettoside: A True Story of Murder in America (Jil Leovy).
 Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 37
Threads: 5
Joined: Mar 2016
So Duke, first off I love the audacity of your refrain (refrain?) "justice is an egg." It's such a strange phrase. You swing for the fences with this and that I can appreciate. As to whether it works... it holds your piece together and in that regard is successful. On to it:
S1:
white outrage, red revenge,
black vendetta when avengers meet
heeled, spurred, bloody-eyed
This I dig. Your use of multiple colors creates a cool effect. Your artistry here is well executed. I find the rest of this stanza elusive.
S2: This stanza baffles me. The fault may be mine.
S3:
Justice is an egg, infertile if
its hen does not conceive
or if its rooster’s outrage fails,
This makes sense to me. I particularly like "outrage fails." The rest of this stanza confuses .
S4: The strongest stanza, I think. I reads clearly - well paced, your artistry doesn't come at the expense of clarity. Well done.
As I suggested above, I think your biggest problem is that your art has come at the expense of being accessible. I would suggest you work on reading your work as others do - removing your intent from your conception of the piece. I found and continue to find that difficult. Very much looking forward to more of yours.
- Matt
Posts: 1,183
Threads: 249
Joined: Nov 2015
Thanks for this fine critique. In part, for explaining what's working, but mainly for pointing out the main issue (inaccessibility, that is, the audience may get the images but not what they refer to). My first clue should have been that I felt it necessary to include a masked footnote  .
Wonder what would happen if I removed everything that isn't working and started over? Or quoted the riddle, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" at the top? Or added to the title, e.g. "Justice is an Egg: Law Enforcement Riddle."
I'll mull this one over - maybe hatch a revision that doesn't lay an egg  . In the meantime, other suggestions are welcome. (Any LEOs out there who did or did not geddit?)
(06-02-2016, 08:52 AM)Mattp Wrote: So Duke, first off I love the audacity of your refrain (refrain?) "justice is an egg." It's such a strange phrase. You swing for the fences with this and that I can appreciate. As to whether it works... it holds your piece together and in that regard is successful. On to it:
S1:
white outrage, red revenge,
black vendetta when avengers meet
heeled, spurred, bloody-eyed
This I dig. Your use of multiple colors creates a cool effect. Your artistry here is well executed. I find the rest of this stanza elusive.
S2: This stanza baffles me. The fault may be mine.
S3:
Justice is an egg, infertile if
its hen does not conceive
or if its rooster’s outrage fails,
This makes sense to me. I particularly like "outrage fails." The rest of this stanza confuses .
S4: The strongest stanza, I think. I reads clearly - well paced, your artistry doesn't come at the expense of clarity. Well done.
As I suggested above, I think your biggest problem is that your art has come at the expense of being accessible. I would suggest you work on reading your work as others do - removing your intent from your conception of the piece. I found and continue to find that difficult. Very much looking forward to more of yours.
- Matt
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 37
Threads: 5
Joined: Mar 2016
I think drawing out the strong segments and rebuilding the poem around them is a great idea. I do that frequently (my first drafts are invariably rubbish). This is definately worth salvaging. Looking forward to the revision,
- Matt
Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
(05-30-2016, 07:06 AM)dukealien Wrote: Justice is an Egg
Justice is an egg whose rooster is
white outrage, red revenge,
black vendetta when avengers meet
heeled, spurred, bloody-eyed
drive-by cockfighting
over insults that define them
but happen to be crimes.
the lack of commas in the appropriate places makes it difficult to pull a sentence from this, and although I can try to develope an importance in the color choice, I find it quite a stretch to do so without other context clues, I might reconsider the title.
Justice is an egg whose hen-fowl is
acceptance, resignation that complies
but briefly tames the cocksure savage,
yields to force majeure,
pecks listlessly
sharp jots and tittles of the law
but in the end nests, brooding.
quite clever, honestly. I think the middle two lines (majeure listlessly) should be considered in the next edit, they don't quite stand up as their own line, imo
Justice is an egg, infertile if
its hen does not conceive
or if its rooster’s outrage fails,
witnesses hide, terrorized, lose hope.
Detectives facing surly anti-snitching kind of losing the metaphor here.
shrug and lose their hard resolve,
cannot sell the concept of impartial
but implacable redress by law.
Justice is an egg whose hatchling is
trust - confidence bereaved and victimized
will have their day, and witnesses their say
in safety. Shedding shells of lawyers,
bureaucrats, officials, policies -
offspring of compliance
and revenge, trust wobbles
but it grows.
I kind of feel you stayed true and clever with your metsphor in the first few stanzas but ran out of steam in the end.... the stanzas have nothing to do with an egg, hen, or chicken. I think if you could find away to extend the metaphors into these stanzas you'd really have something special, because the opening is pretty great
After reading Ghettoside: A True Story of Murder in America (Jil Leovy).
Posts: 1,183
Threads: 249
Joined: Nov 2015
Thanks, @Pdeathstar! As with @Mattp's, the answer seems to be tighter editing and somehow framing the whole thing so readers are thinking in the intended context ("ghetto" law enforcement) - but showing rather than telling. Maybe start with a "visual" intro like, "Which came first,/people who think testifying is snitching/or police who don't help?" but with images rather than flat-footed explanation.
I've been told to use fewer commas in free verse, overdid their removal this time. And complete sentences, though convoluted... Revision may take a while for this one! Might try my hand at a simpler topic, like General Relativity.
(06-04-2016, 12:31 PM)Pdeathstar Wrote: (05-30-2016, 07:06 AM)dukealien Wrote: Justice is an Egg
Justice is an egg whose rooster is
white outrage, red revenge,
black vendetta when avengers meet
heeled, spurred, bloody-eyed
drive-by cockfighting
over insults that define them
but happen to be crimes.
the lack of commas in the appropriate places makes it difficult to pull a sentence from this, and although I can try to develope an importance in the color choice, I find it quite a stretch to do so without other context clues, I might reconsider the title.
Justice is an egg whose hen-fowl is
acceptance, resignation that complies
but briefly tames the cocksure savage,
yields to force majeure,
pecks listlessly
sharp jots and tittles of the law
but in the end nests, brooding.
quite clever, honestly. I think the middle two lines (majeure listlessly) should be considered in the next edit, they don't quite stand up as their own line, imo
Justice is an egg, infertile if
its hen does not conceive
or if its rooster’s outrage fails,
witnesses hide, terrorized, lose hope.
Detectives facing surly anti-snitching kind of losing the metaphor here.
shrug and lose their hard resolve,
cannot sell the concept of impartial
but implacable redress by law.
Justice is an egg whose hatchling is
trust - confidence bereaved and victimized
will have their day, and witnesses their say
in safety. Shedding shells of lawyers,
bureaucrats, officials, policies -
offspring of compliance
and revenge, trust wobbles
but it grows.
I kind of feel you stayed true and clever with your metsphor in the first few stanzas but ran out of steam in the end.... the stanzas have nothing to do with an egg, hen, or chicken. I think if you could find away to extend the metaphors into these stanzas you'd really have something special, because the opening is pretty great
After reading Ghettoside: A True Story of Murder in America (Jil Leovy).
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 952
Threads: 225
Joined: Aug 2016
i like how the title seems too cheesy, because in your poem justice is not JUST an egg. just some of the wording i think could be rearranged
quote='dukealien' pid='211361' dateline='1464559607']
Justice is an Egg
Justice is an egg whose rooster is
white outrage, red revenge,
black vendetta when avengers meet avengers meet, clash?
heeled, spurred, bloody-eyed
drive-by cockfighting
over insults that define them over self-defining insults that happen to be crimes?
but happen to be crimes.
Justice is an egg whose hen-fowl is
acceptance, resignation that complies
but briefly tames the cocksure savage,
yields to force majeure,
pecks listlessly
sharp jots and tittles of the law
but in the end nests, brooding.
Justice is an egg, infertile if
its hen does not conceive
or if its rooster’s outrage fails,
witnesses hide, terrorized, lose hope.
Detectives facing surly anti-snitching anti-snitching, i cant think of another way to say it, just doesnt feel right for some reason
shrug and lose their hard resolve,
cannot sell the concept of impartial
but implacable redress by law.
Justice is an egg whose hatchling is
trust - confidence bereaved and victimized
will have their day, and witnesses their say their. . . hatchlings? confidences?
in safety. Shedding shells of lawyers,
bureaucrats, officials, policies -
offspring of compliance offsprings plural?
and revenge, trust wobbles
but it grows.
and at the end justice seems to be the process, shroedingers box, not the rooster, the hatchling, the hen, the shell, but the 'maybe' of the result . . .
super clever poem, i hope you get it perfect
After reading Ghettoside: A True Story of Murder in America (Jil Leovy).
[/quote]
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Posts: 1,183
Threads: 249
Joined: Nov 2015
Edit 1;
Justice is an Egg
“Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”
- anon.
Justice is an egg whose rooster is
white outrage, red revenge,
black vendetta when avengers meet
heeled, spurred, bloody-eyed
drive-by cockfighting.
Justice is an egg whose hen-fowl is
aggrieved acceptance that complies,
tames cocksure savages,
pecks listlessly
but in the end nests, brooding.
Justice is an egg, infertile if
its hen does not conceive:
witnesses hide, terrorized,
lose hope of impartial
but implacable redress by law.
Justice is an egg whose hatchling is
trust - confidence bereaved and victimized
will have their day, witnesses their say.
Offspring of compliance and revenge
trust wobbles but it grows.
Thanks again to all the critics, especially @CRNDLSM for the impetus to post the edit (which was marinating on the stack).
Non-practicing atheist
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