08-16-2016, 03:35 PM
Laying bare on moonlit water,
Swaying with gentle breeze.
Say, in every shell living a soul?
Nay, there's nothing but an echo.
How does one sway to gentle breeze on water? What is it that does that and what does that have to do with the last two lines?
Why the syntactical aberration in line 3? Why not,
"Is there a living soul in every shell?
No, nothing but an echo!" or some such.
If you wish to make this a metaphor of the human condition in terms of conscious reality, I think you will need to expand upon it some. At the moment there is only this vague connection/suggestion that has little to support it. Besides the fact that you are asking the question undercuts your argument. An echo could not pose the question of self existence. So in this case you have missed the mark in terms of trying to achieve something poetically similar to a koan. Personally I don't think such things translates very well into to poetry. It would be difficult enough to create a koan and state it clearly, let alone turn it into poetry.
best,
dale
Swaying with gentle breeze.
Say, in every shell living a soul?
Nay, there's nothing but an echo.
How does one sway to gentle breeze on water? What is it that does that and what does that have to do with the last two lines?
Why the syntactical aberration in line 3? Why not,
"Is there a living soul in every shell?
No, nothing but an echo!" or some such.
If you wish to make this a metaphor of the human condition in terms of conscious reality, I think you will need to expand upon it some. At the moment there is only this vague connection/suggestion that has little to support it. Besides the fact that you are asking the question undercuts your argument. An echo could not pose the question of self existence. So in this case you have missed the mark in terms of trying to achieve something poetically similar to a koan. Personally I don't think such things translates very well into to poetry. It would be difficult enough to create a koan and state it clearly, let alone turn it into poetry.
best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.