07-10-2016, 03:19 PM
(06-22-2016, 02:35 AM)Erthona Wrote: Post Beat Modern (for milo) I think "so modern poetry after beat? modern poetry without a beat?", but really, it doesn't matter.
Brushes soft on a hi-hat,
tenor sax blows soft with a
vibrato not heard since Stan Getz. Bit of a meh on "Stan Getz" -- not listened to nearly as much music as you, but so far the stuff I've heard of his and it wasn't his that really shined. Or maybe his music's just too quiet for me.
In a booth under the stairs,
he simpers and
reaches out to stroke her hair,
but she's grown balls and pulls away.
He has to catch himself
from falling into her lap
—so over-extended—I'm not sure I see what over-extended is supposed to portray here, but reading it as both an overreaching gesture and an overlong moment, it fits well, as do all the rest of the parts.
"Eat me," she says
as she stands and walks away.
Confusion and hope war on his face Something about the word "war" makes this line a little too, er, romantic to fit in the rest, but since it describes the man, and he's surely very romantic, I guess it works -- still. Hmm.
as he cannot decide if he's been put down,Minor thing: "if he'd been put down / or made an offer", the comma being unnecessary, the had being more appropriate.
or made an offer.
The Jazz plays on.
Smooth and sexy, like a fine latte.
erthona
©2016