Post Beat Modern (for milo)
 
Brushes soft on a hi-hat,
tenor sax blows soft with a
vibrato not heard since Stan Getz.
 
In a booth under the stairs,
he simpers and
reaches out to stroke her hair,
but she's grown balls and pulls away.
He has to catch himself
from falling into her lap
—so over-extended—
"Eat me," she says
as she stands and walks away.
 
Confusion and hope war on his face
as he cannot decide if he's been put down,
or made an offer.
 
The Jazz plays on.
 
 
erthona
 
©2016

I'm always interested when I see a
poet breaking the
rules and
getting away with it.

Despite the funkiness of
the beat it
reads smooth like
butter—sexy butter—

so careful not to over-extend
—the erection metaphor—
by letting the ems do
their work.

lizziep,

Thank you for your gracious comments.


dale

(06-22-2016, 02:35 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Post Beat Modern (for milo)
 
Brushes soft on a hi-hat,
tenor sax blows soft with a
vibrato not heard since Stan Getz.  ---- I love the beat tone of this strophe
 
In a booth under the stairs,
he simpers and
reaches out to stroke her hair,
but she's grown balls and pulls away. ----grown comes off too passive for me. why doesn't she grow balls?
He has to catch himself ---- again the passive slips in
from falling into her lap
—so over-extended—
"Eat me," she says
as she stands and walks away.
 
Confusion and hope war on his face
as he cannot decide if he's been put down,
or made an offer.
 
The Jazz plays on.
 
 
erthona
 
©2016

erthona,

The title fits this poem well as I can truly pick-up on the post beat modern tone. I do admit that I did stumble on "grown" but other than the slight passive I have no nits.

Good work.

Luna

no constructive feedback apart from the stan getz line, for me it too glibb; though it could just be me. the poem gave me a kick and while there's not lots of imagery, the story held me. sorry for not giving more

(06-22-2016, 02:35 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Post Beat Modern (for milo)
 
Brushes soft on a hi-hat,
tenor sax blows soft with a
vibrato not heard since Stan Getz.
 
In a booth under the stairs,
he simpers and
reaches out to stroke her hair,
but she's grown balls and pulls away.
He has to catch himself
from falling into her lap
—so over-extended—
"Eat me," she says
as she stands and walks away.
 
Confusion and hope war on his face
as he cannot decide if he's been put down, no need for as
or made an offer.
 
The Jazz plays on.
 
 
erthona
 
©2016

(06-22-2016, 02:35 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Post Beat Modern (for milo) I think "so modern poetry after beat? modern poetry without a beat?", but really, it doesn't matter.
 
Brushes soft on a hi-hat,
tenor sax blows soft with a
vibrato not heard since Stan Getz. Bit of a meh on "Stan Getz" -- not listened to nearly as much music as you, but so far the stuff I've heard of his and it wasn't his that really shined. Or maybe his music's just too quiet for me.
 
In a booth under the stairs,
he simpers and
reaches out to stroke her hair,
but she's grown balls and pulls away.
He has to catch himself
from falling into her lap
—so over-extended—I'm not sure I see what over-extended is supposed to portray here, but reading it as both an overreaching gesture and an overlong moment, it fits well, as do all the rest of the parts.
"Eat me," she says
as she stands and walks away.
 
Confusion and hope war on his face Something about the word "war" makes this line a little too, er, romantic to fit in the rest, but since it describes the man, and he's surely very romantic, I guess it works -- still. Hmm.
as he cannot decide if he's been put down,Minor thing: "if he'd been put down / or made an offer", the comma being unnecessary, the had being more appropriate.
or made an offer.
 
The Jazz plays on.
 
Smooth and sexy, like a fine latte.
 
erthona
 
©2016

Thanks for all the feedback guys. Not to justify, but as an explanation of my motives. "grown" was meant as a pun.

RN - The Stan Getz line merely sets the scene. He was one of the forerunners of "bossa nova" so it was a quickway to set the background. It wasn't suppose to be a comment on who is the best sax player, although he did have tremendous breath control, but one would nearly have to be a woodwind player to appreciate the full extent of it.

LunaDeLore - " she's grown balls", i.e., " she has grown balls" signifies a passage of time, or that was my intent. It was not my intent that she grew balls just at that moment. Maybe there is a better way to state that. I would be happy to hear a suggestion on that. Obviously the way it is now leads to some ambiguity. Maybe I should just write it with the "has" included, although that's a trade off with the cadence. Maybe:

"She has grown balls over their time together"? Nah, to explanatory.

No suggestions here. Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks for giving it a read Billy,

dale

(07-12-2016, 06:17 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Thanks for all the feedback guys. Not to justify, but as an explanation of my motives. "grown" was meant as a pun.

RN - The  Stan Getz line merely sets the scene. He was one of the forerunners of "bossa nova" so it was a quickway to set the background. It wasn't suppose to be a comment on who is the best sax player, although he did have tremendous breath control, but one would nearly have to be a woodwind player to appreciate the full extent of it.  

LunaDeLore - " she's grown balls", i.e., " she has grown balls" signifies a passage of time, or that was my intent. It was not my intent that she grew balls just at that moment. Maybe there is a better way to state that. I would be happy to hear a suggestion on that. Obviously the way it is now leads to some ambiguity. Maybe I should just write it with the "has" included, although that's a trade off with the cadence. Maybe:

"She has grown balls over their time together"?   Nah, to explanatory.

No suggestions here. Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks for giving it a read Billy,

dale

Sadly I have been working too many hours to comment as much lately.  

But I didn't like the "...grown balls..." line, it seems cliched and crude, and as you said any help...I would suggest "grown on since him" Or better "grown on since"

Thanks Mike, that's certainly a different way to approach it. That gives me some other possibilities.

Thanks again,

Dale