Unwelcome (revison # 1)

[LunaDeLore]

Unwelcome (Revision # 1)

You ripped into my mind
last night as I was dreaming wildflowers
the lapwings swooped down
and soon you were descending
from a talon
 
I smiled as I watched
you turn to ash
then disappear from my dream universe
 
You’ve never been invited
never welcomed in my dreams
but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
if for nothing else
you’ll wanna be the overwhelming primrose
defining my dream path
and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion
once again
 
You could get buried, next time,
under a mountain of gooseberries
and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
hauling prickly pears
then packaged and shipped
to someplace like Brazil
or even the Bermuda Triangle
where you’d be swallowed whole
as your existence gets digested
and your birth certificate
fades into the arcane
 
Maybe then you’d never come back
never rip into my dreams
uninvited.



Original
__________________

Unwelcome

You stepped into my mind
last night as I dreamed wildflowers
the lapwings swooped down
and soon you were descending
from a talon
 
I smiled as I watched
you disintegrate into ash
then disappear from my dream universe
 
You’ve never been invited
never welcomed there
but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
if for nothing else
you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose
and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion
once again
 
Next time you could get buried
under a mountain of gooseberries
and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
hauling prickly pears
then packaged and shipped
to someplace like the Brazil
or even the Bermuda Triangle
 
Where you’d be swallowed whole
as your existence gets digested
and the print on your birth certificate
fades into the obscure
 
Maybe then you’d never come back
never step into my dreams
uninvited.

[next]

  Maybe there should be some reason given for why the person isn't welcome in the dream universe.

Some notes:

  You stepped into my mind
  last night as I dreamed wildflowers
  the lapwings swooped down
  and soon you were descending
  from a talon -- "stepped" doesn't seem to fit with "descending from a talon".
   
  I smiled as I watched
  you disintegrate into ash  -- ash is created when something burns, then ash disintegrates. So the line is a bit confusing.
  then disappear from my dream universe
   
  You’ve never been invited
  never welcomed there
  but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
  if for nothing else
  you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose -- "wannabe" is a noun, "wanna be" is the contraction you're looking for.
Why not just use "want to be" ? 
"overwhelming primrose" ?  -- This needs some explanation leading up to it, otherwise it doesn't seem to make much sense. 

  and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion -- This line tripped me up when I was reading it.
Maybe: "and I'll be satisfied"  -- and maybe a verb other than "see"
  once again
   
  Next time you could get buried
  under a mountain of gooseberries
  and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
  hauling prickly pears -- maybe use one of these fruits, not both
  then packaged and shipped
  to someplace like the Brazil -- typo, a "the" seeped in from somewhere and maybe just use "to Brazil" and leave out "someplace like"
  or even the Bermuda Triangle -- maybe leave out "even"
   
  Where you’d be swallowed whole -- this line is a continuation of the lines above it, it shouldn't at the start of a new stanza 

  as your existence gets digested -- "and" would be better than "as"
-- digestion happens in the stomach after being swallowed (even metaphors need a bit of logic)

  and the print on your birth certificate -- leaving a blank birth certificate? maybe the whole birth certificate should go, not just the printing?

  fades into the obscure -- "fades into obscurity" is probably what you mean.
I guess it's possible for something to fade into the obscure, but it reads a bit awkwardly. 
  
  Maybe then you’d never come back
  never step into my dreams
  uninvited. 

[Shay]

The title of this is rather intriguing but the overall composition could've been in a more detailed outline - the reasons for the allusion in the title are not further mentioned. 
What you do mention is the relation and the elements it harbours towards the "unwelcome person". 

You stepped into my mind

last night as I dreamed wildflowers
the lapwings swooped down
and soon you were descending
from a talon - I agree with the first comment here, the "stepped" doesn't appear to be fitting as naturally as the rest of the stanza. The "and soon" could also be paraphrased as it's not aligning with the the rather oneiric elements at hand. 
 
I smiled as I watched
you disintegrate into ash
then disappear from my dream universe - the only critique I'd have for this stanza is the "disintegrate" part, as it has been suggested already. 
 
You’ve never been invited 
never welcomed there
but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
if for nothing else 
you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose
and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion
once again - as I mentioned earlier, at this time it would be good to know why the person isn't welcome. The "wannabe" placement has already been pointed out. I can see the vague connection of the "wildflower" and the "primrose" hereby, however, the "overwhelming" part left me slightly confused. The "exclusion" bit doesn't seem to fit in the smoothness of this stanza, maybe "to see you're unwelcome - once again"?
 
Next time you could get buried
under a mountain of gooseberries
and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
hauling prickly pears
then packaged and shipped
to someplace like the Brazil 
or even the Bermuda Triangle - "the" should be omitted when used with a specific place. Again, some more detail to the reasons (why Brazil, it could also be sufficient to use "someplace"). 
 
Where you’d be swallowed whole
as your existence gets digested 
and the print on your birth certificate
fades into the obscure - the stanza break doesn't seem to be natural to me as it hinders the aforementioned smoothness while reading. The "birth certificate" creates an odd image for me, as you continue from digestion to the removal of the prints. I'd like to see a stronger connection here - something which can be perhaps associated with the digestion itself, such as what to digest exactly. "Fade into obscurity" would enhance the readability hereby. 
 
Maybe then you’d never come back
never step into my dreams 
uninvited. - "step" is more suitable for this stanza as it is now concluding in a similar, yet more clear pattern. 

[LunaDeLore]

  Maybe there should be some reason given for why the person isn't welcome in the dream universe.

Some notes:

  You stepped into my mind
  last night as I dreamed wildflowers
  the lapwings swooped down
  and soon you were descending
  from a talon -- "stepped" doesn't seem to fit with "descending from a talon".
   
  I smiled as I watched
  you disintegrate into ash  -- ash is created when something burns, then ash disintegrates. So the line is a bit confusing.
  then disappear from my dream universe
   
  You’ve never been invited
  never welcomed there
  but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
  if for nothing else
  you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose -- "wannabe" is a noun, "wanna be" is the contraction you're looking for.
Why not just use "want to be" ? 
"overwhelming primrose" ?  -- This needs some explanation leading up to it, otherwise it doesn't seem to make much sense. 

  and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion -- This line tripped me up when I was reading it.
Maybe: "and I'll be satisfied"  -- and maybe a verb other than "see"
  once again
   
  Next time you could get buried
  under a mountain of gooseberries
  and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
  hauling prickly pears -- maybe use one of these fruits, not both
  then packaged and shipped
  to someplace like the Brazil -- typo, a "the" seeped in from somewhere and maybe just use "to Brazil" and leave out "someplace like"
  or even the Bermuda Triangle -- maybe leave out "even"
   
  Where you’d be swallowed whole -- this line is a continuation of the lines above it, it shouldn't at the start of a new stanza 

  as your existence gets digested -- "and" would be better than "as"
-- digestion happens in the stomach after being swallowed (even metaphors need a bit of logic)

  and the print on your birth certificate -- leaving a blank birth certificate? maybe the whole birth certificate should go, not just the printing?

  fades into the obscure -- "fades into obscurity" is probably what you mean.
I guess it's possible for something to fade into the obscure, but it reads a bit awkwardly. 
  
  Maybe then you’d never come back
  never step into my dreams
  uninvited. 

Next,

I think you made some good points and I will consider your feedback in revision.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting

Luna

[REW]

Unwelcome


You stepped into my mind
last night as I dreamed wildflowers
the lapwings swooped down
and soon you were descending
from a talon
 
I smiled as I watched
you disintegrate into ash
then disappear from my dream universe
 
You’ve never been invited
never welcomed there
but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
if for nothing else
you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose
and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion
once again
 
Next time you could get buried
under a mountain of gooseberries
and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
hauling prickly pears
then packaged and shipped
to someplace like the Brazil
or even the Bermuda Triangle
 
Where you’d be swallowed whole
as your existence gets digested
and the print on your birth certificate
fades into the obscure
 
Maybe then you’d never come back
never step into my dreams
uninvited.

I almost felt as if I wrote this, so relatable.  It is a little vague rather than specific, which I think is a good thing because this isn't overly personalized.  I guess we all know some asshole and we cannot let that person intrude on our dreams.  Same asshole?  

I do suggest making wannabe two seperated words.  Where I am from a wannabe is someone trying to be something he or she is clearly not, different from wanna be the slangish verb.

I like this the way it is...one thought is stepped the best word choice for what you are saying?  Stepped is a bold word where it seemed like this unwanted person kind of snuck in there and was quickly ignited.

[Achebe]

Unwelcome


You stepped into my mind
last night as I dreamed wildflowers ....tell me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that the opener was your inspiration for the poem. It's a great opening that must've popped into your head one day, but the rest of the poem is a bit of a struggle. I might borrow your opening for one of my own poems. It's quite lovely. I don't have much to say about the rest of the poem, except that it's not of the same standard. Sorry for not being more specific.
the lapwings swooped down
and soon you were descending
from a talon
 
I smiled as I watched
you disintegrate into ash
then disappear from my dream universe
 
You’ve never been invited
never welcomed there
but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
if for nothing else
you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose
and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion
once again
 
Next time you could get buried
under a mountain of gooseberries
and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
hauling prickly pears
then packaged and shipped
to someplace like the Brazil
or even the Bermuda Triangle
 
Where you’d be swallowed whole
as your existence gets digested
and the print on your birth certificate
fades into the obscure
 
Maybe then you’d never come back
never step into my dreams
uninvited.

[LunaDeLore]

The title of this is rather intriguing but the overall composition could've been in a more detailed outline - the reasons for the allusion in the title are not further mentioned. 
What you do mention is the relation and the elements it harbours towards the "unwelcome person". 

You stepped into my mind

last night as I dreamed wildflowers
the lapwings swooped down
and soon you were descending
from a talon - I agree with the first comment here, the "stepped" doesn't appear to be fitting as naturally as the rest of the stanza. The "and soon" could also be paraphrased as it's not aligning with the the rather oneiric elements at hand. 
 
I smiled as I watched
you disintegrate into ash
then disappear from my dream universe - the only critique I'd have for this stanza is the "disintegrate" part, as it has been suggested already. 
 
You’ve never been invited 
never welcomed there
but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
if for nothing else 
you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose
and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion
once again - as I mentioned earlier, at this time it would be good to know why the person isn't welcome. The "wannabe" placement has already been pointed out. I can see the vague connection of the "wildflower" and the "primrose" hereby, however, the "overwhelming" part left me slightly confused. The "exclusion" bit doesn't seem to fit in the smoothness of this stanza, maybe "to see you're unwelcome - once again"?
 
Next time you could get buried
under a mountain of gooseberries
and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
hauling prickly pears
then packaged and shipped
to someplace like the Brazil 
or even the Bermuda Triangle - "the" should be omitted when used with a specific place. Again, some more detail to the reasons (why Brazil, it could also be sufficient to use "someplace"). 
 
Where you’d be swallowed whole
as your existence gets digested 
and the print on your birth certificate
fades into the obscure - the stanza break doesn't seem to be natural to me as it hinders the aforementioned smoothness while reading. The "birth certificate" creates an odd image for me, as you continue from digestion to the removal of the prints. I'd like to see a stronger connection here - something which can be perhaps associated with the digestion itself, such as what to digest exactly. "Fade into obscurity" would enhance the readability hereby. 
 
Maybe then you’d never come back
never step into my dreams 
uninvited. - "step" is more suitable for this stanza as it is now concluding in a similar, yet more clear pattern. 

Shay,

This person is uninvited into my dream realm and I thought that in itself would explain why he or she is unwanted or unwelcome. After all, my dreams are a private party :  I do however, appreciate your feedback and I'll keep it in mind during vision.

Thanks for reading

Luna

---

Unwelcome


You stepped into my mind
last night as I dreamed wildflowers
the lapwings swooped down
and soon you were descending
from a talon
 
I smiled as I watched
you disintegrate into ash
then disappear from my dream universe
 
You’ve never been invited
never welcomed there
but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
if for nothing else
you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose
and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion
once again
 
Next time you could get buried
under a mountain of gooseberries
and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
hauling prickly pears
then packaged and shipped
to someplace like the Brazil
or even the Bermuda Triangle
 
Where you’d be swallowed whole
as your existence gets digested
and the print on your birth certificate
fades into the obscure
 
Maybe then you’d never come back
never step into my dreams
uninvited.

I almost felt as if I wrote this, so relatable.  It is a little vague rather than specific, which I think is a good thing because this isn't overly personalized.  I guess we all know some asshole and we cannot let that person intrude on our dreams.  Same asshole?  

I do suggest making wannabe two seperated words.  Where I am from a wannabe is someone trying to be something he or she is clearly not, different from wanna be the slangish verb.

I like this the way it is...one thought is stepped the best word choice for what you are saying?  Stepped is a bold word where it seemed like this unwanted person kind of snuck in there and was quickly ignited.

REW,

Wannabe is a reoccurring issue, for sure, and I'll fix that when  revising. I'll probably work on this on tomorrow.

Thanks so much for reading.

Luna

---

Unwelcome


You stepped into my mind
last night as I dreamed wildflowers ....tell me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that the opener was your inspiration for the poem. It's a great opening that must've popped into your head one day, but the rest of the poem is a bit of a struggle. I might borrow your opening for one of my own poems. It's quite lovely. I don't have much to say about the rest of the poem, except that it's not of the same standard. Sorry for not being more specific.
the lapwings swooped down
and soon you were descending
from a talon
 
I smiled as I watched
you disintegrate into ash
then disappear from my dream universe
 
You’ve never been invited
never welcomed there
but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
if for nothing else
you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose
and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion
once again
 
Next time you could get buried
under a mountain of gooseberries
and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
hauling prickly pears
then packaged and shipped
to someplace like the Brazil
or even the Bermuda Triangle
 
Where you’d be swallowed whole
as your existence gets digested
and the print on your birth certificate
fades into the obscure
 
Maybe then you’d never come back
never step into my dreams
uninvited.

Achebe,

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment.

Luna

[Gardy2016]

Hello, I am very new to this but I would like to give your poem a go!

Unwelcome


You stepped into my mind
last night as I dreamed wildflowers
the lapwings swooped down                                - I read another critique saying the verb stepped needed to be changed. Maybe, but I am not
                                                                          sure I agree with that. In my mind picture someone in the wildflowers with you, then being      
and soon you were descending                              swooped away.. So stepped seems to fit, IMHO.
from a talon
 
I smiled as I watched
you disintegrate into ash
then disappear from my dream universe                  - I liked the images here. Reading I wonder what did this person do to earn this scorn?
 
You’ve never been invited
never welcomed there
but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
if for nothing else
you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose
and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion
once again
 
Next time you could get buried
under a mountain of gooseberries
and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
hauling prickly pears
then packaged and shipped
to someplace like the Brazil
or even the Bermuda Triangle   
 
Where you’d be swallowed whole
as your existence gets digested
and the print on your birth certificate    -- I really liked the line "as your existence gets digested.." very clever.. As /And I am not sure it matters but I
fades into the obscure                            get the other critics point there. Things are swallowed prior to digestion..
 
Maybe then you’d never come back
never step into my dreams
uninvited.Confusion is only a temporary state

I am totally lost by the closing line. Who is confused?

[LunaDeLore]

Hello, I am very new to this but I would like to give your poem a go!

Unwelcome


You stepped into my mind
last night as I dreamed wildflowers
the lapwings swooped down                                - I read another critique saying the verb stepped needed to be changed. Maybe, but I am not
                                                                          sure I agree with that. In my mind picture someone in the wildflowers with you, then being      
and soon you were descending                              swooped away.. So stepped seems to fit, IMHO.
from a talon
 
I smiled as I watched
you disintegrate into ash
then disappear from my dream universe                  - I liked the images here. Reading I wonder what did this person do to earn this scorn?
 
You’ve never been invited
never welcomed there
but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
if for nothing else
you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose
and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion
once again
 
Next time you could get buried
under a mountain of gooseberries
and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
hauling prickly pears
then packaged and shipped
to someplace like the Brazil
or even the Bermuda Triangle   
 
Where you’d be swallowed whole
as your existence gets digested
and the print on your birth certificate    -- I really liked the line "as your existence gets digested.." very clever.. As /And I am not sure it matters but I
fades into the obscure                            get the other critics point there. Things are swallowed prior to digestion..
 
Maybe then you’d never come back
never step into my dreams
uninvited.Confusion is only a temporary state

I am totally lost by the closing line. Who is confused?

Gardy,

I thought letting the reader know that I was writing about someone who steps in, uninvited, would be enough to explain what the problem was. Why he or she was unwanted in my dream realm. Especially, when you consider how important REM sleep is to some people. BUT I may need to look at that and see if I can convey the message more effectively.

Thanks so much for reading and for taking the time to comment.

Luna