The Breeze

[billy]

it would pass muster in mild. i'm not sure of the form but it's similar to the Rime Couée x 4 verse with a slightly different rhyme scheme. the meter seems off in a couple of places. i think you can get away with the extra half foot in the last line. the first does feel off with it's extra foot; a suggestion would be [open door let the breeze pass through] i do like the refrains and the subtle changes in the ones at verse ends. the poem feels straight forward enough; i like the light metaphor you have at play through the poem.

I'm not sure whether to post in novice or mild critique as im not sure how much i want to change this. however, shoot, im happy to hear all thoughts.

The Breeze

Open the door and let the breeze through
I beg of you, I beg of you
For the room is small and the air is warm
And you’re deep inside and you’ve closed the door
So open it I beg of you,
And let a fresh breeze through.


Don’t picture it but look outside,
I beg of you, I beg of you,
For there are no storms and the day is mild
And the fields are fresh where the grass grows wild
Let the atmosphere wash over you,
And let a soft breeze through.


You’ve been inside for far too long
I beg of you, I beg of you,
You sat and faced a painted wall
Thought you that you could see it all
But things have changed as they always do
So let the new breeze through.


But wanted I to change you too i think unusually the reversed syntax works here, often it doesn't.
And to this end I painted you
I fancied you would come and see
But you stayed inside and you painted me
And painted pictures blow away
When you let a true breeze through.