The Breeze

[Winter.Rain]

I Can so easily see this being made into a song. I agree with ellajam in that the repeat of "I beg of you" kind of makes the whole poem sound like a plea. I feel as if instead words of encouragment might better suit the tone of the rest of the poem.

Open the door and let the breeze through
I beg of you, I beg of you
For the room is small and the air is warm
And you’re deep inside and you’ve closed the door
So open it I beg of you,
And let a fresh breeze through.


Don’t picture it but look outside,
I beg of you, I beg of you,
For there are no storms and the day is mild
And the fields are fresh where the grass grows wild
Let the atmosphere wash over you, (I can't put my figure on why, but a different word in place of atmosphere)
And let a soft breeze through.


You’ve been inside for far too long
I beg of you, I beg of you,
You sat and faced a painted wall
Thought you that you could see it all
But things have changed as they always do
So let the new breeze through.


But wanted I to change you too (I'd change the order of your words here)
And to this end I painted you
I fancied you would come and see
But you stayed inside and you painted me
And painted pictures blow away
When you let a true breeze through.
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This is the first poem I've ever critiqued so I know I don't have as much to offer as anyone else. There's also just not a lot I would change about it. Good stuff