Redshirts (Revision)

[Todd]

oooooh Star Trek theme!  Here are some of my thoughts:  

We chose security over science, 
and draped in blood die bloodless  -blood dyed bloodless? or blood dying bloodless?
under the not-blue ----I like the break here
sky. We are dowsing rods
to child gods and rogue androids.
Yet there is a light that blossoms--Poem takes a different tone here from hardship to a noble bravery
orange within our chests,               maybe could  transfer more smoothly.
till we are cinders
within this sack of sparks,

only ever last names.    

Nice poem Todd.  At first I read this and thought it was commenting on the corporate/labor dynamic.  I thought of when I worked at Toys R Us and had to wear a Red Shirt putting up with a lot of shit while receiving little credit.   Though there we were only the first names on our nametag... Anyway, I suppose that's not too far off from star trek rank dynamic.

Best,

-Nick

Hi Nick,

I appreciate the comments. I see what you did with the transition its worth thinking about. I also considered a strophe break, but was reluctant with such a small piece. I think I'm already running the risk of drawing too much attention with the break before the final line. I'll give some thought also to cleaning up line 2 a bit. I know Akira mentioned an element of that line too.

Best,

Todd