Apartment pool

[fluorescent.43]

By the window, not a good opening. boring.
a child wakes from the light. what light?
Stirring on his mattress, don't think this line is necessary- cut it out, and the poem still makes sense.
he watches the walls of his room
live & die
live & die i like the repetition of 'live & die'- takes the poem into an eerier mood.
from the strange electric glow, of what? the imagery is lacking.
still dancing in rhythm
to the hiss of the city night. not a strong ending. 'city night' isn't descriptive enough and borders on cliché.

short poems need pinpoint imagery; they can't afford to step out of line because they have no room to do so. there are some things i like about this, but it doesn't leave the reader with a strong image/impression afterwards. the lovely person who quoted Ginsberg above made a good point; moments like these can be particularly poignant with correct use of language, but here it falls slightly flat.

my favorite part about this poem is the creepy, slightly subdued turn it takes starting with the fourth line. it kind of returned to 'normal' after a few lines, but i enjoyed reading&critiquing this if you intend to edit, hope you have fun with it.

43.