In Glass

[Brujo]

Hi all!  This is my first thread!  I'd love some honest opinions, critiques, or suggestions on this!  Thanks! 


In Glass

Tetras fletched of cobalt and ruby
shoot through the water.
A tribe of a hundred poisoned blow darts
curve into a bubbly helix.
An orchid blossoming then molting back,
They come and coalesce through the green
against their fragile plates of glass.
Flowing, swimming,
Swimming and flowing,
through the same stones and green
they’ve seen since their spawn,
tracing the same paths millions of times
as infinite as shore break.
As if quietly lullabied in the current,
tendril, waters of Amazonia,
they follow their reflections.
 
Little souls in the sound of a rippling filter,
calm me to sleep this night.
I've drifted into sameness
And yet soaked in my own complacency
I've followed, flowed,
Flowed and followed,
Only to awaken and lie awake
in the same unsettled state.
With fingers grazing my damp window,
I wonder in your stubborn grace.

[aschueler]

,

Hi all!  This is my first thread!  I'd love some honest opinions, critiques, or suggestions on this!  Thanks! 


In Glass

Tetras fletched of cobalt and ruby
shoot through the water.  Very nice start 
A tribe of a hundred poisoned blow darts
curve into a bubbly helix.
An orchid blossoming then molting back,
They come and coalesce through the green
against their fragile plates of glass.
Flowing, swimming,
Swimming and flowing,  Whether just or not, the repetition here distracts me
through the same stones and green
they’ve seen since their spawn,  nitpicking here but didja really raise them?
tracing the same paths millions of times  cliched
as infinite as shore break.
As if quietly lullabied in the current,
tendril, waters of Amazonia,   Nice flow up until here, where you lost me. Maybe too many commas.
they follow their reflections.
 
Little souls in the sound of a rippling filter,
calm me to sleep this night. Hah!  Fish never helped me sleep
I've drifted into sameness
And yet soaked in my own complacency
I've followed, flowed,  distracted by repetition 
Flowed and followed,
Only to awaken and lie awake
in the same unsettled state.
With fingers grazing my damp window,  lost me again...whose grace?  Whose fingers?  What do you mean by stubborn?
I wonder in your stubborn grace.

Overall this was quite enjoyable, your choice of words was quite nice.  Some rough spots, but 
I like the end product.

[Brujo]

aschueler,

Thanks very much for your insight!  I intend to edit with your suggestions in mind.  I agree that the repetition is kind of distracting and doesn't add much to the piece.

I did raise tropical fish for a time . I'm hesitant to replace 'spawn'; I like how it sounds.

The end of the first stanza is kind of choppy, something to experiment on.

I agree about the line you point out as cliched, I will definitely alter that.  As for the ending, I'm not quite happy with it, still pondering.

Best, 

,

Hi all!  This is my first thread!  I'd love some honest opinions, critiques, or suggestions on this!  Thanks! 


In Glass

Tetras fletched of cobalt and ruby
shoot through the water.  Very nice start 
A tribe of a hundred poisoned blow darts
curve into a bubbly helix.
An orchid blossoming then molting back,
They come and coalesce through the green
against their fragile plates of glass.
Flowing, swimming,
Swimming and flowing,  Whether just or not, the repetition here distracts me
through the same stones and green
they’ve seen since their spawn,  nitpicking here but didja really raise them?
tracing the same paths millions of times  cliched
as infinite as shore break.
As if quietly lullabied in the current,
tendril, waters of Amazonia,   Nice flow up until here, where you lost me. Maybe too many commas.
they follow their reflections.
 
Little souls in the sound of a rippling filter,
calm me to sleep this night. Hah!  Fish never helped me sleep
I've drifted into sameness
And yet soaked in my own complacency
I've followed, flowed,  distracted by repetition 
Flowed and followed,
Only to awaken and lie awake
in the same unsettled state.
With fingers grazing my damp window,  lost me again...whose grace?  Whose fingers?  What do you mean by stubborn?
I wonder in your stubborn grace.

Overall this was quite enjoyable, your choice of words was quite nice.  Some rough spots, but 
I like the end product.

[Erthona]

Tetras fletched of cobalt and ruby   (possibly "in" instead of "of", think of how you would say it in terms of an arrow)
shoot through the water.
A tribe of a hundred poisoned blow darts
curve(curving) into a bubbly helix.
An orchid blossoming then molting back, (I don't think "Molting" is a very good word here/mixed metaphor, flowers do not "molt".)
They come and coalesce through the green (water? Just saying the green does not say much. It has not been established like one might use the "blue" when talking about flying in an airplane)
against their fragile plates of glass. (Not sure this says much)
Flowing, swimming,
Swimming and flowing,  (Yeah fish do that)
through the same stones and green  (green is not an object, it is a color, green what?)
they’ve seen since their spawn,  (spawn is used incorrectly here, should be birth)
tracing the same paths millions of times
as infinite as shore break. (These images do not really come together)
As if quietly lullabied in the current,  (awkward sentence, write it out in a single line and look at it)
tendril, waters of Amazonia, (Amazonia is an incorrect word choice. From dictionary.com "the land around the Amazon river". Do you mean "Amazonian"?)
they follow their reflections.

Little souls in the sound of a rippling filter,  (It is great to anthropomorphize, but this one doesn't really seem to work all that well, although I can appreciate the alliteration)
calm me to sleep this night.
I've drifted into sameness (tense change is awkward "I drift into..." Present tense works better as that is what the poem has been in up until this point. Plus it gives the poem a greater sense of immediacy and energy.)
And yet soaked in my own complacency
I've followed, flowed,
Flowed and followed, (Tooooooo much repetition)
Only to awaken and lie awake (Tooooomuch restatement)
in the same unsettled state.
With fingers grazing my damp window,
I wonder in your stubborn grace.  (Who is being talked about now?)

_____________________________________________________________________

This seems to start out as a simple imagist description of a specific tropical freshwater fish in an aquarium. One must concede a somewhat huge aquarium for 100 tetras to preform such acts as are attributed to them. I would guess at least a hundred gallon upright tank to have the necessary water column, but maybe the speaker is a zealot or very rich, however this is juxtaposed  to the  aquarium making enough noise to lull him to sleep, such an expensive setup would probably be quite as the top would be capped. Just my thoughts as I was reading, for me a bit disruptive, probably not for others.
I would say the main point was, as I started to say, a simple word painting that somehow towards the end tries to transform itself into Coleridge's "Kublai Khan", or rather his description of coming out of his opium induced  vision. Anyway, has that very English Romantic sort of end to it, with a little Purfrock mixed in for good luck

"...yet soaked in my own complacency
I've followed, flowed,
Flowed and followed, 
Only to awaken and lie awake 
in the same unsettled state.
With fingers grazing my damp window,
I wonder in your stubborn grace."

All in all, this could be cut to about a third of what is currently here and made into a much better poem. Outside of just painting a word imagine, these is little to hang ones hat on. It's a nice image, and no worse for wear, but one should not try to make it into something it is not. There is no metaphorical hook for one to hang ones hat on and discuss things of life et. al..

Allow it to be as it is, work at crafting the words better, being more judicious with the number used.

Best,

dale

[Brujo]

Dale,

I thank you for your detailed insight, very helpful indeed.  I agree with you.  As it is, I don't think it exceeds beyond a pretty image.  I plan on reducing the length and cull unnecessary words.  However, I'd like to expand it into something metaphorical, though I think it'll be difficult post hoc. 

Thanks again!

-Nick

Tetras fletched of cobalt and ruby   (possibly "in" instead of "of", think of how you would say it in terms of an arrow)
shoot through the water.
A tribe of a hundred poisoned blow darts
curve(curving) into a bubbly helix.
An orchid blossoming then molting back, (I don't think "Molting" is a very good word here/mixed metaphor, flowers do not "molt".)
They come and coalesce through the green (water? Just saying the green does not say much. It has not been established like one might use the "blue" when talking about flying in an airplane)
against their fragile plates of glass. (Not sure this says much)
Flowing, swimming,
Swimming and flowing,  (Yeah fish do that)
through the same stones and green  (green is not an object, it is a color, green what?)
they’ve seen since their spawn,  (spawn is used incorrectly here, should be birth)
tracing the same paths millions of times
as infinite as shore break. (These images do not really come together)
As if quietly lullabied in the current,  (awkward sentence, write it out in a single line and look at it)
tendril, waters of Amazonia, (Amazonia is an incorrect word choice. From dictionary.com "the land around the Amazon river". Do you mean "Amazonian"?)
they follow their reflections.

Little souls in the sound of a rippling filter,  (It is great to anthropomorphize, but this one doesn't really seem to work all that well, although I can appreciate the alliteration)
calm me to sleep this night.
I've drifted into sameness (tense change is awkward "I drift into..." Present tense works better as that is what the poem has been in up until this point. Plus it gives the poem a greater sense of immediacy and energy.)
And yet soaked in my own complacency
I've followed, flowed,
Flowed and followed, (Tooooooo much repetition)
Only to awaken and lie awake (Tooooomuch restatement)
in the same unsettled state.
With fingers grazing my damp window,
I wonder in your stubborn grace.  (Who is being talked about now?)

_____________________________________________________________________

This seems to start out as a simple imagist description of a specific tropical freshwater fish in an aquarium. One must concede a somewhat huge aquarium for 100 tetras to preform such acts as are attributed to them. I would guess at least a hundred gallon upright tank to have the necessary water column, but maybe the speaker is a zealot or very rich, however this is juxtaposed  to the  aquarium making enough noise to lull him to sleep, such an expensive setup would probably be quite as the top would be capped. Just my thoughts as I was reading, for me a bit disruptive, probably not for others.
I would say the main point was, as I started to say, a simple word painting that somehow towards the end tries to transform itself into Coleridge's "Kublai Khan", or rather his description of coming out of his opium induced  vision. Anyway, has that very English Romantic sort of end to it, with a little Purfrock mixed in for good luck

"...yet soaked in my own complacency
I've followed, flowed,
Flowed and followed, 
Only to awaken and lie awake 
in the same unsettled state.
With fingers grazing my damp window,
I wonder in your stubborn grace."

All in all, this could be cut to about a third of what is currently here and made into a much better poem. Outside of just painting a word imagine, these is little to hang ones hat on. It's a nice image, and no worse for wear, but one should not try to make it into something it is not. There is no metaphorical hook for one to hang ones hat on and discuss things of life et. al..

Allow it to be as it is, work at crafting the words better, being more judicious with the number used.

Best,

dale

[Todd]

Hi Brujo,

I haven't read any of the feedback so forgive me if I repeat something. Here are some comments for you:

Hi all!  This is my first thread!  I'd love some honest opinions, critiques, or suggestions on this!  Thanks! 


In Glass

Tetras fletched of cobalt and ruby--Like the image quite a bit. Fletched is what holds this together. It seems to perfectly fit the look of fins. As a first line, it gives us insight into the title immediately and tetras with sensory colors is interesting enough to keep reading.
shoot through the water.
A tribe of a hundred poisoned blow darts--poisoned is interesting. You insert an idea of danger into the image. Without that, this is repetitious without adding much. Poisoned though anchors the line. Darts is also a good end word as it suggests both the noun and the verb. I think when your nouns create a sense of motion the poem begins to sing.
curve into a bubbly helix.--Curve is a good motion word. Bubbly implies motion as well.
An orchid blossoming then molting back,--This line gets a little too static for me in its image. We have a flower blossoming but while its a pretty sort of image I don't think it adds anything. I don't usually associate molting with a flower more a snake. Its a good word if used with a snake maybe for some sort of transformation or additional sense of danger, it feels out of place with the orchid (to me at least) and the orchid doesn't add much for me only makes me stop moving in the poem.
They come and coalesce through the green--come and could probably be cut
against their fragile plates of glass.--Would they perceive them as fragile. We've moved to an omniscient narrator judgment. It's one step removed from the action.
Flowing, swimming,
Swimming and flowing,--I realize you use this sequence to set up the later one. I'm not sure its an elegant way to tie the speaker to the fish. I'd prefer a more subtle turn or way to access the metaphor.
through the same stones and green--The repetition of green and its use hear aren't doing much for me.
they’ve seen since their spawn,--This has a clipped poetry sort of read that may not be entirely accurate. Spawn probably at least needs a construction in the past tense.
tracing the same paths millions of times--The idea behind this hyperbole could be made better. What you seem to be going for is the idea that what looks random is actually predetermined. It feels like a statement on free will and determinism--which might be the heart of the poem if you can draw it out a little more.
as infinite as shore break.--This is so close to being where you need it. I like the phrasing. You simply need a better build up to sell the idea behind the line. Right now B does not follow A.
As if quietly lullabied in the current,
tendril, waters of Amazonia, --I'm not sure what these two lines give you.
they follow their reflections.--Again love this. I feel you need to build to it a little better. This feels thematic like the determinism line above.
 
Little souls in the sound of a rippling filter,--This is where you lose subtlety. 
calm me to sleep this night.
I've drifted into sameness
And yet soaked in my own complacency --Maybe blend this entire section somehow into the metaphor. Maybe hide the speaker behind the tetras. This is too bland of a follow up. 
I've followed, flowed,
Flowed and followed,---again not the connection point I think you want.
Only to awaken and lie awake
in the same unsettled state.--Flat statements. It's like the beginning of the poem is motion and this is a loud thunk. We've come to a halt of reflective existentialism. 
With fingers grazing my damp window,--damp and window if you can make them work are a better connection point than the following/flowed thing. You may want to simple consider a title change: "Fingers Grazing My Damp Window"
I wonder in your stubborn grace.--This isn't an uninteresting close, it's more that the poem hasn't build to it to justify it.

I was three quarters of the way through my comments when I noticed this was in Mild not Serious. My apologies. Hopefully, I haven't given you way more than you were looking for. If this were in Novice I would have deleted and started again. Hopefully, the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[just mercedes]

Hi all!  This is my first thread!  I'd love some honest opinions, critiques, or suggestions on this!  Thanks! 


In Glass

Tetras fletched of cobalt and ruby
shoot through the water.
A tribe of a hundred poisoned blow darts Needed? If you keep 'tribe', the next line should start with 'curves'.
curve into a bubbly helix.
An orchid blossoming then molting back, I think 'molting' is the wrong word - can you find a better one?
They come and coalesce through the green Needed?
against their fragile plates of glass.
Flowing, swimming,
Swimming and flowing, Lots of 'ing's
through the same stones and green
they’ve seen since their spawn,
tracing the same paths millions of times
as infinite as shore break.
As if quietly lullabied in the current, 'quietly' is opposed to the 'shoot' and 'dart' for me.
tendril, waters of Amazonia,
they follow their reflections.
 
Little souls in the sound of a rippling filter, Do fish have souls?
calm me to sleep this night.
I've drifted into sameness
And yet soaked in my own complacency
I've followed, flowed,
Flowed and followed,
Only to awaken and lie awake
in the same unsettled state. You were, a few lines ago. calmed.
With fingers grazing my damp window,
I wonder in your stubborn grace.  Not sure about this change, from third person to second.

Hi - I like the way you play with sounds, which knit your poem firmly together. I don't like the capital letter randomly at the start of some lines ; it holds up the flow, for me. I've made a few suggestions on the lines - all in all, a good start!

[Brujo]

@ Todd: Wow! very detailed review. I'm not complaining though lol. The line-by-line analysis helps a lot to give me an idea what the reading is thinking as they read. Thanks so much

@ Just mercedes: Thanks for the commentary! Your quibbles highlight what I've been working on changing.

All in all, I think I need to put this one to the side for a minute.