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+--- Thread: Apartment pool (/thread-18187.html)
Apartment pool - Alexearth - 01-13-2016
By the window,
a child wakes from the light.
Stirring on his mattress,
he watches the walls of his room
live & die
live & die
from the strange electric glow,
still dancing in rhythm
to the hiss of the city night.
RE: Apartment pool - mlund - 01-15-2016
I really like your idea for this, laying awake and watching the playing of light on the walls from the water.
(01-13-2016, 12:56 AM)Alexearth Wrote: By the window,I am not really sure about your use of commas to separate lines. A comma normally implies and pause in flow or thought, but where you have placed them sort of breaks the natural rhythm and meaning of where I think you are trying to go.
a child wakes from the light.
Stirring on his mattress,
he watches the walls of his room
live & die I am sort of confused by the relevance of these lines. What does living and dying have to do with reflections of light on the walls?
live & die
from the strange electric glow,
still dancing in rhythm I really like this line, it implies that this act of lying awake in the night has happened before, and that the lights on his wall are almost a comfort for him in a seemingly chaotic or terrifying world.
to the hiss of the city night.
RE: Apartment pool - Achebe - 01-16-2016
(01-13-2016, 12:56 AM)Alexearth Wrote: By the window,This'd probably be better as a haiku
a child wakes from the light.
Stirring on his mattress,
he watches the walls of his room
live & die
live & die....suggesting a blinking light, but 'live and die' for 'light up and turn dark' is an avoidable abstraction, since nothing else in the poem talks about life or death in a more general sense.
from the strange electric glow,
still dancing in rhythm ...the 'still' is unnecessary
to the hiss of the city night. ....you have lost me here. I don't see how a blinking light can be dancing in rhythm to city sounds. Unless it's right next to a disco, which does more than 'hiss' for sure.
RE: Apartment pool - Erthona - 01-16-2016
By the window,
a child wakes from the light. (Probably if you are going to have the direct object "the" it should not be followed up by the indirect object "a" as it weakens the the line. Probably best to reverse the two.)
A child wakes from the light (what kind of light, I know it is defined later on, but a hint now might help, maybe some color like "silver and aqua") coming through the window.
Stirring on his mattress,
he watches the walls of his room
live & die
live & die (I think "life or death" would work better here as it is less a conditional state which puts strain on the poem that it doesn't seem able to support)
from the strange electric glow
(that)still dances to the rhythm
of the hiss that is the city night.
Sorry, got a little carried away there at the last. The truth however is there is not much to go on here. It is only a description and it does not say much, maybe it is trying to imply that there is little hope for the kid.. compare to Ginsberg;
"angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,
who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz..."
Notice the difference in power. The poem here lacks much in the way of energy to drive it. It is not driven through word usage, or energetically through some form of energetic rhythm.
I just one could say it works as an imagist poem, but for me most of those came across so flat.
I just have this feeling you had this idea and threw it out on paper, without really considering the dynamics. Sure you can pull some heartstrings, but children will always do that, that's like shooting fishing in a barrel. I think the writer can do better.
Best,
dale
RE: Apartment pool - 71degrees - 01-17-2016
(01-13-2016, 12:56 AM)Alexearth Wrote: By the window,Am assuming the repetition of "live and die" is supposed to mimic the undulation of the pool light. Why would a "child" give consideration to this comparison? Children don't think in these terms. Phrases like "stirring on his mattress" don't add much. "electric" is a strange adjective also. Again, not sure a child would make this connection. There's something here but not sure what you are trying to convey to the reader.
a child wakes from the light.
Stirring on his mattress,
he watches the walls of his room
live & die
live & die
from the strange electric glow,
still dancing in rhythm
to the hiss of the city night.
RE: Apartment pool - Skye - 01-20-2016
I personally like what you did saying "live & die", and I think replacing it with "life & death" would make no sense. I also think that just because the poem is about a child, doesn't mean that you can't have any sort of feel to it. Children can be darkly intelligent and they aren't always reaching out for sugar sweet comfort. Sometimes they just watch and feel their surroundings like any person.
It has a hypnotic otherworldly feel, like a secret moment belonging to a child late at night. That way that kids have of making ordinary things larger than life.
By the window,
a child wakes from the light.
Stirring on his mattress,
he watches the walls of his room
live & die
live & die
from the strange electric glow,
still dancing in rhythm
to the hiss of the city night <---- I like that a lot. It doesn't matter in my opinion what the precise sound is coming from, I understood what you meant.
Thanks!
RE: Apartment pool - CarrieChristo - 01-20-2016
It's an interesting concept, I like the idea of this child sitting alone in an apartment room and I get the sense he is seeing/feeling/being exposed to things he should not be. I want to hear more about this. I want to hear more about this pool also. I think the idea of a pool's reflective light shining on a wall could be EXTREMELY powerful because it is a mystical image, especially for a child. I want to hear more of a description about exactly what that looks like. What does it look like? What does it remind him of? Maybe use a metaphor instead of "strange electric glow". Keep working on this because I think you could really take it somewhere.
RE: Apartment pool - kkieran - 01-23-2016
(01-13-2016, 12:56 AM)Alexearth Wrote: By the window,
a child wakes from the light.
Stirring on his mattress,
he watches the walls of his room
live & die
live & die
from the strange electric glow,
still dancing in rhythm
to the hiss of the city night.
I'd rework the first two lines, as it doesn't flow as nicely as the rest of the piece. Try removing any unnecessary 'the's and 'and's.
the third line,- I'd say 'stirring in sheets'
4th line-I'd take out 'of his room' since we already know he's in bed, this isn't needed
I love poetry that examines random moments and breathes life into them, and that's what you've done here.
RE: Apartment pool - the french these days - 01-23-2016
For sure it has a bit of ambiance to it. Not my cup of tea but I'd for sure love to throw my opinion in.
(01-13-2016, 12:56 AM)Alexearth Wrote: By the window, (I like this line split.)
a child wakes from the light.
Stirring on his mattress,
he watches the walls of his room
live & die (A little confused about this. Maybe you're looking for a specific image that I'm just not picking up?)
live & die
from the strange electric glow,
still dancing in rhythm
to the hiss of the city night. (I feel as though this was paced nicely, however I would have loved some more concise verbs so that I could've gotten a better picture of exactly what was happening--seeing as this poem is pretty much all about that nostalgic imagery)
RE: Apartment pool - Alexearth - 01-26-2016
Thank you all for you comments!
A lot to get me meditating here..
Cheers,
Alex
RE: Apartment pool - fluorescent.43 - 01-26-2016
(01-13-2016, 12:56 AM)Alexearth Wrote: By the window, not a good opening. boring.short poems need pinpoint imagery; they can't afford to step out of line because they have no room to do so. there are some things i like about this, but it doesn't leave the reader with a strong image/impression afterwards. the lovely person who quoted Ginsberg above made a good point; moments like these can be particularly poignant with correct use of language, but here it falls slightly flat.
a child wakes from the light. what light?
Stirring on his mattress, don't think this line is necessary- cut it out, and the poem still makes sense.
he watches the walls of his room
live & die
live & die i like the repetition of 'live & die'- takes the poem into an eerier mood.
from the strange electric glow, of what? the imagery is lacking.
still dancing in rhythm
to the hiss of the city night. not a strong ending. 'city night' isn't descriptive enough and borders on cliché.
my favorite part about this poem is the creepy, slightly subdued turn it takes starting with the fourth line. it kind of returned to 'normal' after a few lines, but i enjoyed reading&critiquing this
if you intend to edit, hope you have fun with it. 43.