01-21-2016, 12:08 PM
Jealousy sits like heartbreak in my bones (just using the word heartbreak is a cliche)
The same hollow cold
The same sour ache
The same desperation
when you can't let go
but your heartstrings are yanked so hard they might break. (This whole line is one big cliche)
Jealousy doesn't eat me up inside,
jealousy twines into my veins like vines,
jealousy is mine, jealousy won't leave me
don't you dare leave me
all you need is me
(let's be real, you don't need me)
Jealousy seeps into my skin like fear:
pricked ears, verge of tears,
looking over my shoulder to see if you're near
(stay here)
Jealousy is me begging you please on the inside
Don't forget me, don't leave, what would I do otherwise?
They mean more to you than I do, but I mean something, right?
We have something special, you'd never leave me behind.
____________________________________________________________________________
As this is in "mild" I won't go line by line pointing out the trite phrases and the cliches, but if you removed them there would be not much left.
Love poetry is one of the most difficult types of poetry to write (along with religious poetry). It is extremely difficult to come up with fresh ways to say things and that does not happen here. The other thing is that one should never try to write love poetry when one is in love. Generally I warn people not to attempt love poetry until they have been actively writing poetry for awhile, say like ten years, and can be dispassionate about it. I mean, yeah, if you want to write the same stuff as ten thousand other people on poetry sites around the net have at it, but if you want to improve your ability, drop the love poetry and try something else.
We all go through this, I remember beseeching Venus to inspire my rural pen that I might do whatever grandiose thing of love I thought I needed to do to impress whoever and many more just like it. All of them were terrible and full of trite phrases and beaten dead language. So, your choice. Maybe a nice poem about butterflies, everyone seems to need to write one of them also.
Best,
dale
The same hollow cold
The same sour ache
The same desperation
when you can't let go
but your heartstrings are yanked so hard they might break. (This whole line is one big cliche)
Jealousy doesn't eat me up inside,
jealousy twines into my veins like vines,
jealousy is mine, jealousy won't leave me
don't you dare leave me
all you need is me
(let's be real, you don't need me)
Jealousy seeps into my skin like fear:
pricked ears, verge of tears,
looking over my shoulder to see if you're near
(stay here)
Jealousy is me begging you please on the inside
Don't forget me, don't leave, what would I do otherwise?
They mean more to you than I do, but I mean something, right?
We have something special, you'd never leave me behind.
____________________________________________________________________________
As this is in "mild" I won't go line by line pointing out the trite phrases and the cliches, but if you removed them there would be not much left.
Love poetry is one of the most difficult types of poetry to write (along with religious poetry). It is extremely difficult to come up with fresh ways to say things and that does not happen here. The other thing is that one should never try to write love poetry when one is in love. Generally I warn people not to attempt love poetry until they have been actively writing poetry for awhile, say like ten years, and can be dispassionate about it. I mean, yeah, if you want to write the same stuff as ten thousand other people on poetry sites around the net have at it, but if you want to improve your ability, drop the love poetry and try something else.
We all go through this, I remember beseeching Venus to inspire my rural pen that I might do whatever grandiose thing of love I thought I needed to do to impress whoever and many more just like it. All of them were terrible and full of trite phrases and beaten dead language. So, your choice. Maybe a nice poem about butterflies, everyone seems to need to write one of them also.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.