Greek Waters

[abbigailpaige]

Drowning in Archeron Rivers you were,
I endowed to you an indemnity.
Feeling over numb I had you prefer,
you deserved love yet showed humility.

You became a portent to my own eyes,
all of you gave rise to my limerence.
Our halcyon times stopped incise,
to my life you made a good difference.

If for you, I fail to hold hourglass sand,
I'll be stuck in my own delirium.
I expect no asphodels given by hand,
for none are present in Elysium.

Too great to lose you; I will never leave,
fall in webs even if they you can't weave.

[billy]

the poem feels too wordy, watch out for inverted syntax it usually destroys a well written poem. as it is the poem tries so hard to be poetical Greece that it fails to keep the reader engrossed. the ambiguity factor needs to come down by more than a little

I endowed to you an indemnity.
Feeling over numb I had you prefer,
you deserved love yet showed humility.

i have no idea what the above said or referred to.

Drowning in Archeron Rivers you were, [the force with you it is] don't invert [force] syntax to fit the rhyme.
I endowed to you an indemnity.
Feeling over numb I had you prefer,
you deserved love yet showed humility.

You became a portent to my own eyes, who else would my eyes belong too?
all of you gave rise to my limerence.
Our halcyon times stopped incise,
to my life you made a good difference.

If for you, I fail to hold hourglass sand,
I'll be stuck in my own delirium.
I expect no asphodels given by hand,
for none are present in Elysium.

Too great to lose you; I will never leave,
fall in webs even if they you can't weave. i can't decipher the couplet, the reader should be able to know what's being said. [the last line really needs to be on message.