Shy Lady Moon

[Pyrra]

Loosing the rhymes

Shy Lady Moon

doesn't show

all her face at once.

She spins around slowly

each night revealing another

image her body's light form shapes

in her spectators´ indulging imaginations.

Until they see her full, pregnant,

giving birth to a new month,

illuminating the night

like silver day.

Then leaving.

Gently withdrawing

her glow she turns left.

imperceptibly picking up pace

while they watch; leaving them blind

at the dark base of her rhythmic dance.

Stepping in again from the right

her celestian body's gravity

pulls them towards her,

into her arms,

like oceans.

_____________________________________________________________________________

1)
Shy Lady Moon, she doesn't show
all of her face at once, you know?
She turns around in gentle pace,
each night reveals more of her face
until you see her, full and bright,
to silver day she turns the night
For her we dance, to her we pray
and then she slowly turns away.

2)
Watching her indulging play,
she'll turn towards you and away,
a rhythmic dance, celestian style.
So? She turns around once in a while.
This rhythm serves to be a shelf
and  stimulus for time itself.
The turning round, the to and fro,
you box up time, it makes it go.
And while you watch she picks up pace,
she leaves you blind - you see her face
and smile, and leg and bossoms veil,
a baby´s birth, a fingernail.
A thrillig show, a dance of night,
Exit to left, entry from right.

And drawn by her Gravity
you might find you are the sea.

[SnarlingThroughOurSmiles]

So to me, this poem pulls up this image of a music box, or a small play theater, where the curtain pulls up and the moon slowly floats up from the theater floor, suspended by strings, or where the box opens up and a small silver ballerina springs up and twirls around slowly. This is a beautiful poem.

[billy]

hi pyrra
i like the concept of a living moon. you have the title no need for it in the first line

she doesn't show all
her face at once you know

just an example of how you could make the reader think about your lines. make the linebreaks work for you remove any excess, remove any words that occur more than once, bring her alive with images; i'd suggest for now that you forgo the end rhymes, once you get the poem down proper you can play with rhymes, it feels like the rhymes are dictating the poem at present.

1)
Shy Lady Moon, she doesn't show
all of her face at once, you know?
She turns around in gentle pace,
each night reveils more of her face
until you see her, full and bright,
to silver day she turns the night
For her we dance, to her we pray
and then she slowly turns away.

2)
Watching her indulging play,
she'll turn towards you and away,
a rhythmic dance, celestian style.
So? She turns around once in a while.
This rhythm serves to be a shelf
and  stimulus for time itself.
The turning round, the to and fro,
you box up time, it makes it go.
And while you watch she picks up pace,
she leaves you blind - you see her face
and smile, and leg and bossoms veil,
a baby´s birth, a fingernail.
A thrillig show, a dance of night,
Exit to left, entry from right.

And drawn by her Gravity
you might find you are the sea.

[Pyrra]

Thank you Snarling,
Yes, especially the second part brings up the picture of a theaterplay.

Thank you Billy,
I really like the idea of trying to get rid of the rhymes in Shy Lady Moon. I always seem to need rhymes to pull my poems along. I have recently been wondering, if the same thing putting boundries on you is inspiring me. But now the poem is here in its idea, I could actually try and lose the rhyme.

[billy]

rhymes when used should support the poem and not drive it. [jmo] try an edit without the rhymes. rhymes can always be added should you want them.

[Skye]

I actually think the end rhymes work for this poem. I could see it as a children's book; illustrations could go with the rhyming couplets. If you wanted. 

In "each night reveils more of her face" should 'reveils' be 'reveals'? Probably just a typo. 



For some reason I felt like the final two lines were an abrupt ending. Maybe another numbered verse with a few more than two lines, for a finish? Expand on the idea of the reader, (or whoever you intend), finding they "are the sea". Do a few lines building up to "And drawn by her gravity, you might find you are the sea." 



Or maybe do this:




1)
Shy Lady Moon, she doesn't show
all of her face at once, you know?
She turns around in gentle pace,
each night reveils more of her face
until you see her, full and bright,
to silver day she turns the night
For her we dance, to her we pray
and then she slowly turns away.

2)
Watching her indulging play,
she'll turn towards you and away,
a rhythmic dance, celestian style.
So? She turns around once in a while.
This rhythm serves to be a shelf 
and  stimulus for time itself.
The turning round, the to and fro, 
you box up time, it makes it go.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     3)
And while you watch she picks up pace,
she leaves you blind - you see her face
and smile, and leg and bossoms veil,
a baby´s birth, a fingernail.
A thrillig show, a dance of night,
Exit to left, entry from right.

And drawn by her Gravity
you might find you are the sea.


I might just have OCD and want everything to be symmetrical. Whatever you decide, I loved how you worked with imagery and   personification to create a beautiful poem.

[CarrieChristo]

I actually really liked the use of rhymes in this poem. It made it feel more playful and sing-songy to me, almost as if she were flirting and disappearing only to come back the next night (as moons tend to do). However, I almost feel that it sounds repetitive as it and do not think it would harm to take out a few lines that sound repetitive and add a bit of overkill.
In line four, "reveils" bothers me for some reason. I almost wanted you to stick more with unveils or reveals, the mix didn't sit well with me.
I loved the line "a rhythmic dance, celestial style" very classy and slick. Flowed beautifully.
"You box up time, it makes it go" felt too simplistic. I think if you changed the pronouns it might add more effect. Example, "We box up time, she lets it go". I'm not sure if I'm losing your meaning by doing that but maybe work with that line a bit until you find it suitable and effective.
I absolutely LOVE "exit it left, entry from right". Perfect summary of your concept. I almost wish you would have ended it here instead of adding the bit about gravity and sea. I think that takes away from the Lady herself. Overall, fabulous job.

[Pyrra]

Thank you very much for your posts.
Indeed, "reveils" was just spelling it wrong. I have set this right straight away. Thank you very much.

"You box up time, it makes it go" - has always been a line I have been struggling with. Actually the whole set of

"This rhythm serves to be a shelf
and stimulus for time itself.
The turning round, the to and fro,
you box up time, it makes it go."

I am trying to say, that this rythm of turning is giving us means to split time into understandable unities of time (-> months), whereas in the same sentence claiming that this rhythm and this dance is also the actual motor of time. But I can see, it does not do it. I am especially unhappy with the "shelf" and the "boxing up". If there any suggestions, that would be really great.

As for the last two lines, I actually had the feeling I needed two lines to keep the peoms form, while on the other hand I had only two lines left to speak of the aspect of gravity and the moons influence on the sea. Looking at it, I might be able to cut off some of the "fingernail" part, which is only there to speak of the different things people see when looking at the moon, and trying to create a feeling for her turning faster and faster while you watch her dance. Instead I might find something leading up to the Lady's gravity.

Thank you all so much for your input.

I am still definatly going to make an unrhymed version of this poem, even if it is just for exercise. I am very excited about this idea.

[Pyrra]

I have been working on the version without rhymes, and I wanted to share it with you.