01-20-2016, 11:35 AM
I personally like what you did saying "live & die", and I think replacing it with "life & death" would make no sense. I also think that just because the poem is about a child, doesn't mean that you can't have any sort of feel to it. Children can be darkly intelligent and they aren't always reaching out for sugar sweet comfort. Sometimes they just watch and feel their surroundings like any person.
It has a hypnotic otherworldly feel, like a secret moment belonging to a child late at night. That way that kids have of making ordinary things larger than life.
By the window,
a child wakes from the light.
Stirring on his mattress,
he watches the walls of his room
live & die
live & die
from the strange electric glow,
still dancing in rhythm
to the hiss of the city night <---- I like that a lot. It doesn't matter in my opinion what the precise sound is coming from, I understood what you meant.
Thanks!
It has a hypnotic otherworldly feel, like a secret moment belonging to a child late at night. That way that kids have of making ordinary things larger than life.
By the window,
a child wakes from the light.
Stirring on his mattress,
he watches the walls of his room
live & die
live & die
from the strange electric glow,
still dancing in rhythm
to the hiss of the city night <---- I like that a lot. It doesn't matter in my opinion what the precise sound is coming from, I understood what you meant.
Thanks!