12-31-2015, 03:12 AM
Hi, Pyrra, welcome to the Pen and thank you for the critiques you've given to others.
This is really fun to read and you keep it moving along very well. There are spots where for me it lost hold of its steady meter, and places where I think you've made word choices for meter's sake that could be improved upon. An example is "I am destined to wander alone, without pack." You could easily change it to "I am destined to wander alone with no pack." which for me reads better without changing meter or meaning.
If this is the type of help you'd like for your poem you might consider having it move at least to Mild, but if you'd prefer it here that's fine.
I think with a little more work this would tighten up beautifully. Thanks for posting it, a lovely read.
This is really fun to read and you keep it moving along very well. There are spots where for me it lost hold of its steady meter, and places where I think you've made word choices for meter's sake that could be improved upon. An example is "I am destined to wander alone, without pack." You could easily change it to "I am destined to wander alone with no pack." which for me reads better without changing meter or meaning.
If this is the type of help you'd like for your poem you might consider having it move at least to Mild, but if you'd prefer it here that's fine.
I think with a little more work this would tighten up beautifully. Thanks for posting it, a lovely read.
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