Swamp and Batter

[reverentpain]

Draft 2

Through marsh, through swamp,
It does not matter,
Though dark disdain,
It's her I'll flatter.
Such strength my want,
So trite this matter,
It will remain,
So long I stand her.


But Love,
It's not what I'd rather.
So sweet, so sticky,
Like brownie batter.
I'll make a point,
Though it may be tough,
It's great, but,
Much too dense- this stuff.

Original

Through Marsh, through swamp,
It does not matter,
Though dark disdain,
It's her I'll flatter.
Such strength my want,
So slight my clamor,
It will remain,
So long I stand her.

But Love,
It's not what I'd rather.
So sweet, so sticky,
Like brownie batter.
I'll make a point,
Though it may be tough,
It's great, but,
Much too dense- this stuff.

The urge to urge.
Browning's "Life in a Love".
My nerves on nerves.
I'm sure -- I've done enough.

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Hey guys! This is my first post. Hopefully I've done everything alright so far... I have really enjoyed this site so far and look forward to becoming more of a member on this forum. Moreover, I'm considering scrapping the last stanza in this one as the rhythm really does not sit well with the rest of the poem. Any thoughts on that specifically would be appreciated (in addition to whatever else you see).Thanks for checking this out! 

What an interesting use of words, to be sure. I really enjoyed this poem, it described love in a very different way that what I'm used to, that phrase "so sweet, so sticky, like brownie batter" was a wonderful way of describing the messiness of love (especially if the brownies haven't be baked long enough!).

I did notice that the rhyming scheme used in the first piece was sort of, but not totally carried over into the second. It went matter, flatter, matter, but in the second it was only "batter." If you're going to use the word batter in the second piece, maybe find a way to reuse the rhyming scheme from the first? (I'm not hugely poetically literate, I'm not even sure what the terms are for the pieces of a poem I'm trying to describe!). It would help it flow better. Otherwise, it was wonderful!