Draft 2
Through marsh, through swamp,
It does not matter,
Though dark disdain,
It's her I'll flatter.
Such strength my want,
So trite this matter,
It will remain,
So long I stand her.
But Love,
It's not what I'd rather.
So sweet, so sticky,
Like brownie batter.
I'll make a point,
Though it may be tough,
It's great, but,
Much too dense- this stuff.
Original
Through Marsh, through swamp,
It does not matter,
Though dark disdain,
It's her I'll flatter.
Such strength my want,
So slight my clamor,
It will remain,
So long I stand her.
But Love,
It's not what I'd rather.
So sweet, so sticky,
Like brownie batter.
I'll make a point,
Though it may be tough,
It's great, but,
Much too dense- this stuff.
The urge to urge.
Browning's "Life in a Love".
My nerves on nerves.
I'm sure -- I've done enough.
---------------------
Hey guys! This is my first post. Hopefully I've done everything alright so far... I have really enjoyed this site so far and look forward to becoming more of a member on this forum. Moreover, I'm considering scrapping the last stanza in this one as the rhythm really does not sit well with the rest of the poem. Any thoughts on that specifically would be appreciated (in addition to whatever else you see).Thanks for checking this out!
You have some interesting rhymes. Overall, the poem doesn't seem very controlled, just thoughts that meet the rhyme as it goes. You could pull some of those rhymes off if there was more strength concentrated into what's being said.
(11-04-2015, 10:23 AM)rowens Wrote: [ -> ]You have some interesting rhymes. Overall, the poem doesn't seem very controlled, just thoughts that meet the rhyme as it goes. You could pull some of those rhymes off if there was more strength concentrated into what's being said.
Like I wrote: "
I'll make a point, /Though it may be tough,"
I could understand how vague the poem could be. The stream of consciousness style is always hard to follow. The rhymes were meant to be clever, but never did I intend for it to eclipse my theme.
Thanks for enlightening me to the fact that my rhymes may be too distracting. Their (less-than-evident) purpose was to carry on the feeling. The "B" from the rhyme scheme makes its way through half of the second stanza and then disappears. This was to show how finite yet dominating a desire the infatuation is. Aside from structural distractions, the whole poem is based on the feelings associated with the early stages of love that could cause one to be swayed into maintaining for the long term ("the urge to urge" if you will) and the ultimate departure from these "much too dense" feelings for the sake of maintaining freedom. Finally, Robert Browning's poem "Life in a Love" is directly referenced as another poem that depicts the same feelings: the speaker loves someone but ultimately decides not to chase them. Sorry for the extensive explanation, but I wanted to make sure that this poem did not seem like I wrote it without "[concentrating] on what's being said".
Quote:Life in a Love
Robert Browning, 1812 - 1889
Escape me?
Never—
Beloved!
While I am I, and you are you,
So long as the world contains us both,
Me the loving and you the loth,
While the one eludes, must the other pursue.
My life is a fault at last, I fear:
It seems too much like a fate, indeed!
Though I do my best I shall scarce succeed.
But what if I fail of my purpose here?
It is but to keep the nerves at strain,
To dry one’s eyes and laugh at a fall,
And baffled, get up to begin again,—
So the chase takes up one’s life, that’s all.
While, look but once from your farthest bound,
At me so deep in the dust and dark,
No sooner the old hope drops to ground
Than a new one, straight to the selfsame mark,
I shape me—
Ever
Removed!
Pretty creepy. Stalker.
(11-04-2015, 07:36 AM)thepoorfortune Wrote: [ -> ]Through Marsh, through swamp, I don't get why Marsh is capitalized.
It does not matter,
Though dark disdain,
It's her I'll flatter. I like the use of the word flatter here.
Such strength my want,
So slight my clamor, Slight clamor is a bit odd, I don't know if I like it or hate it. 
It will remain,
So long I stand her.
But Love,
It's not what I'd rather.
So sweet, so sticky,
Like brownie batter. A fun three lines.
I'll make a point,
Though it may be tough,
It's great, but,
Much too dense- this stuff.
The urge to urge.
Browning's "Life in a Love".
My nerves on nerves.
I'm sure -- I've done enough. Awkward last line.
---------------------
Hey guys! This is my first post. Hopefully I've done everything alright so far... I have really enjoyed this site so far and look forward to becoming more of a member on this forum. Moreover, I'm considering scrapping the last stanza in this one as the rhythm really does not sit well with the rest of the poem. Any thoughts on that specifically would be appreciated (in addition to whatever else you see).Thanks for checking this out!
Just some thoughts on it, I hope you enjoy the site.
Some of the lines were not coherent with the rest of the poem but overall the main point was received. It is quite a childish and simplistic analysis of love, however you do make a few good points.
I could feel the difficulty of movement in the imagery you used. If feeling stuck is what you were going for then I think you did a good job. I'm not really digging the use of the word clamor and I'm unclear what you are trying to convey in the last couple of lines although I liked your "urge to urge" line. It's a little clunky however I liked it.
good imagery, but you seem to just be putting in rhymes as you think of them and not actually what works, i obviously don't know how you were feeling when writing this poem, but i also think that is the point of poetry, to express ones feelings, instead im left a bit confused. all in all, good for a first poem, just try to dig deep and express your emotions.
For the new draft, I replaced L4 (the one containing the all too controversial "clamor"). Any thoughts on the new L4 would be greatly appreciated. I also had seen a few criticisms of my last stanza, which I had been reluctant to keep anyhow, so it was omitted.
rowens: I am unsure as to how i can increase the representation of the meaning of this work within itself. I find a charming quality in the unconventionality and intricacy of poetry, though I see how I can bog down my own work with such aesthetics.
ellajam: Thanks for spotting my "Marsh" typo. I used your opinions to help influence my severing of the final stanza.
poemkeats2016: Less an analysis, more an opinion. The Stream of Consciousness is hard to follow, but it helps if you read into authors like Virginia Woolf to get familiarize yourself with how "one thought leads to another which leads to a decision" sorta thing.
terse: I'm sorry for removing that line you liked, but maybe getting rid of "clamor" may make up for that.
the man with the spoon: Less a feeling, more a situation. Poetry can be about any sort of things. Emotion is not the only muse of the existence. This poem is a bit more lighthearted than say: a good dose of Poe.
(11-04-2015, 07:36 AM)thepoorfortune Wrote: [ -> ]Draft 2
Through marsh, through swamp,
It does not matter,
Though dark disdain,
It's her I'll flatter.
Such strength my want,
So trite this matter,
It will remain,
So long I stand her.
But Love,
It's not what I'd rather.
So sweet, so sticky,
Like brownie batter.
I'll make a point,
Though it may be tough,
It's great, but,
Much too dense- this stuff.
Hello. I enjoyed this poem. After reading it, I feel like it's talking about how love can be tough to deal with yet wondeful too, but I might be wrong too...
In the first part, did you mean to put "through" again, or is it "though"? It probably doesn't matter, just curious.
The last line in the first stanza, "so long I stand her." doesn't make sense to me. English is not my first language, but I know what "stand" means. I always took it in this context as "endure", but in this sense it sounds like you are enduring her. Maybe that's what you meant in the first place??
I guess I don't really understand the overall message here. But that shouldn't bother you, I tend to have trouble understanding these kind of things...
I enjoyed the rhymes too. Some of it seemed forced, like in the second part with "rather" and "batter". The word order "is not what I'd rather." makes sense, but was clearly forced to find a word to rhyme with batter. I'm not sure if that's a bad thing, however.
Thanks for sharing! Look forward to more.
Through marsh, through swamp,
It does not matter,
Though dark disdain,
It's her I'll flatter. I think this could line could somehow be rephrased, it just doesn't sound right.
Such strength my want,
So trite this matter,
It will remain, I like these last four lines, I think they really work.
So long I stand her.
But Love,
It's not what I'd rather.
So sweet, so sticky,
Like brownie batter.
I'll make a point,
Though it may be tough,
It's great, but, awkward but
Much too dense- this stuff.
Honestly I don't see the connection between the two stanzas. I don't see the connection between swamp and brownie batter. I don't see the connection between love and brownie batter. What is it that you are trying to say? Nothing happens in the poem, nothing changes. Except first you are talking about a swamp and then you are talking about brownie batter.
(11-04-2015, 07:36 AM)thepoorfortune Wrote: [ -> ]Draft 2
Through marsh, through swamp,
It does not matter,
Though dark disdain,
It's her I'll flatter.
Such strength my want,
So trite this matter,
It will remain,
So long I stand her.
But Love,
It's not what I'd rather.
So sweet, so sticky,
Like brownie batter.
I'll make a point,
Though it may be tough,
It's great, but,
Much too dense- this stuff.
Original
Through Marsh, through swamp,
It does not matter,
Though dark disdain,
It's her I'll flatter.
Such strength my want,
So slight my clamor,
It will remain,
So long I stand her.
But Love,
It's not what I'd rather.
So sweet, so sticky,
Like brownie batter.
I'll make a point,
Though it may be tough,
It's great, but,
Much too dense- this stuff.
The urge to urge.
Browning's "Life in a Love".
My nerves on nerves.
I'm sure -- I've done enough.
---------------------
Hey guys! This is my first post. Hopefully I've done everything alright so far... I have really enjoyed this site so far and look forward to becoming more of a member on this forum. Moreover, I'm considering scrapping the last stanza in this one as the rhythm really does not sit well with the rest of the poem. Any thoughts on that specifically would be appreciated (in addition to whatever else you see).Thanks for checking this out!
What an interesting use of words, to be sure. I really enjoyed this poem, it described love in a very different way that what I'm used to, that phrase "so sweet, so sticky, like brownie batter" was a wonderful way of describing the messiness of love (especially if the brownies haven't be baked long enough!).
I did notice that the rhyming scheme used in the first piece was sort of, but not totally carried over into the second. It went matter, flatter, matter, but in the second it was only "batter." If you're going to use the word batter in the second piece, maybe find a way to reuse the rhyming scheme from the first? (I'm not hugely poetically literate, I'm not even sure what the terms are for the pieces of a poem I'm trying to describe!). It would help it flow better. Otherwise, it was wonderful!