08-10-2015, 10:55 AM
Hi there,
Sorry, but this just feels.. blah to me. Much like many of my own poems, I should add. The very first line was awkward to me, like it's only worded that way for the sake of the 'see'/'me' rhyme. Which are pretty weak rhymes in my opinion. Wasn't fond of the other rhymes either. The 'swagger'/'dagger' rhyme mostly because it just feels so generic in the context. I think that's my issue with the poem.. it doesn't have much originality to it, to make it stand out to me. I'm not sure what to suggest though.. Maybe try to write the poem without the rhymes. I've found that rhymes can sometimes be a hindrance (to me at least), resulting in a poem that is less than it could have been. Just a thought.
- V
Sorry, but this just feels.. blah to me. Much like many of my own poems, I should add. The very first line was awkward to me, like it's only worded that way for the sake of the 'see'/'me' rhyme. Which are pretty weak rhymes in my opinion. Wasn't fond of the other rhymes either. The 'swagger'/'dagger' rhyme mostly because it just feels so generic in the context. I think that's my issue with the poem.. it doesn't have much originality to it, to make it stand out to me. I'm not sure what to suggest though.. Maybe try to write the poem without the rhymes. I've found that rhymes can sometimes be a hindrance (to me at least), resulting in a poem that is less than it could have been. Just a thought.
- V