07-31-2015, 12:00 AM
[quote='joesammsington' pid='194656' dateline='1438241600']
Velvet curtains on a window I see
I want its sights revealed to me
But a hymen blocks my view
I resolve to break it in two
So with a gladiator’s swagger
I pierce it with my dagger
The first two lines are okay I think, but there's not a clear picture unless you elaborate. But for that you might have to increase the length of the poem? Lines 3-4 are too straightforward, unoriginal. Where's the innuendo you used in 1-2? 5-6 are the same case as 3-4, more originality, less cliche.
Velvet curtains on a window I see
I want its sights revealed to me
But a hymen blocks my view
I resolve to break it in two
So with a gladiator’s swagger
I pierce it with my dagger
The first two lines are okay I think, but there's not a clear picture unless you elaborate. But for that you might have to increase the length of the poem? Lines 3-4 are too straightforward, unoriginal. Where's the innuendo you used in 1-2? 5-6 are the same case as 3-4, more originality, less cliche.
Free verse poetry and jazz are like brother and sister.