11-12-2014, 05:38 AM
Tom,
I must suppose that the 5th line of each stanza was purposefully written in trochee? This seems mostly all in iambic, except for a few bumps, maybe we pronounce the syllable count differently. I did not specifically note it as it did not seem to hurt the reading of the poem.
"soundless air" O3/ozone I assume? I would have thought any air would be able to carry some sound although often below the hearing of humans, is it not just molecular vibrations being transferred through the medium? Does the light need this rarefied air to carry it? Seems a bit confused. Warmth I can understand, light? I understand poetic license and all, but this seems to be past the breaking point. Caused me to stop and ponder. I do like the rare-air rhyme.
in to-->into
S2L1 typography extra line space
I think your first version, although not as clean, was much more clear in terms of what you meant to accomplish, at least it gave me more insight into what your intention was.
Dale
I must suppose that the 5th line of each stanza was purposefully written in trochee? This seems mostly all in iambic, except for a few bumps, maybe we pronounce the syllable count differently. I did not specifically note it as it did not seem to hurt the reading of the poem.
"soundless air" O3/ozone I assume? I would have thought any air would be able to carry some sound although often below the hearing of humans, is it not just molecular vibrations being transferred through the medium? Does the light need this rarefied air to carry it? Seems a bit confused. Warmth I can understand, light? I understand poetic license and all, but this seems to be past the breaking point. Caused me to stop and ponder. I do like the rare-air rhyme.
in to-->into
S2L1 typography extra line space
I think your first version, although not as clean, was much more clear in terms of what you meant to accomplish, at least it gave me more insight into what your intention was.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.