10-21-2014, 06:12 AM
Thanks for the comments.
WJames - doomed will likely go. aged should be pronounced with 2 syllables but perhaps I'll use ageing.
you shape a sound, you clear your throat - yeah, at least one you will go
I'm fine with indistinct/wince, not so much now with lips/plinks
to celebrate how time is killed. - well, imagine a wedding anniversary, for instance
Cidermaid - I'm not sure about the champagne lines. They've a certain flatness I like.
yes, I need a comma after frowns
The syllable count is meant to mirror the , er, studiedness of the characters
arbitraryarmor - I've addressed most of your comments already, I hope. I don't see that rain disturbs the metre
WJames - doomed will likely go. aged should be pronounced with 2 syllables but perhaps I'll use ageing.
you shape a sound, you clear your throat - yeah, at least one you will go
I'm fine with indistinct/wince, not so much now with lips/plinks
to celebrate how time is killed. - well, imagine a wedding anniversary, for instance
Cidermaid - I'm not sure about the champagne lines. They've a certain flatness I like.
yes, I need a comma after frowns
The syllable count is meant to mirror the , er, studiedness of the characters
arbitraryarmor - I've addressed most of your comments already, I hope. I don't see that rain disturbs the metre
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.