10-15-2014, 08:48 AM
This was really good, I enjoyed reading it! It has a rhythm that really works. I just have a few little edits.
At some unnamed night, (on some unnamed night)
and it will be bright,
I'll go away.
The door I will never
close
the flowers will keep
fragrance.
My children will have fallen asleep
the most deeply
covered and caressed
and somebody will cant to them again
a cradle song.
It will be light like in a temple
and clear like a voice
in mountains.
Then I'll leave,
forgotten all the words… (the words forgotten)
A branch in the white snow.
At some unnamed night, (on some unnamed night)
and it will be bright,
I'll go away.
The door I will never
close
the flowers will keep
fragrance.
My children will have fallen asleep
the most deeply
covered and caressed
and somebody will cant to them again
a cradle song.
It will be light like in a temple
and clear like a voice
in mountains.
Then I'll leave,
forgotten all the words… (the words forgotten)
A branch in the white snow.