***/To My Children/

[bogpan]

Hi, bog, this is a lovely read, some notes are below.

At some unnamed night, Possibly On instead of At. Possibly condense into "On some bright night" with a more interesting word than bright.
and it will be bright,
I'll go away.
The door I will never I don't think you need "I".
close
the flowers will keep
fragrance.
My children will have fallen asleep
the most deeply Possibly lose "the".
covered and caressed
and somebody will cant to them again
a cradle song.
It will be light like in a temple Consider a comma or break after "light".
and clear like a voice
in mountains.
Then I'll leave
forgotten all the words…

A branch in the white snow.




translation from Bulgarian

Thanks for posting this, a pleasure to read.

Thank you for the share. I'd like to ask you several questions about your comments: you're saying that "on" is better than "at". What do you mean exactly with "on some unnamed night"? It's hard for me to understand. For me the word "bright" is connected to the end of the poem and the whole feeling. For your second comment I accept that it should be without "I" because it's a translation mistake. Also I'd like to know why you're proposing me to lose the "the" because for me is not clear what's the exact difference between "most" and "the most". I wouldn't like to put comma or space after "light" because it will split the connection between the words and the whole feeling. Greetings!