10-11-2014, 05:53 PM
(10-11-2014, 02:29 PM)chanchan77 Wrote: the stuff you cut away makes for a stronger poem, there are still places where the poem could be tightened up with more of the same.
the cliche thing. sometimes cliches can add to a poem, in general they really don't. the newb reader or writer of poetry will often think as you do, sometimes what seems a good idea will be something to laugh about as you get more into poetry. a good original phrase is much better than a cliched phrase to any reader. it's all about moving the reader with the right words, it isn't about pleasing the reader so much. if you want to write poetry for people with low IQ's who can't understand a good original phrase then fine, but ask yourself this, are you more amazed when things you already know about happen or when new and wondrous thing happen. a cliche now and then will work but it has to used for a better reason that "myabe my readers are too simple to understand something if it's original. here's another point, if what you say is true the why not remove the solid heart line, surely they won't understand that you speak of a heart of stone? if a cliche enhances a poem, use it; if a cliche is used to help the reader, then you do both you and the reader a disservice. a cliche has nothing to do with vocabulary, it's about how and what words we string together. some nursery rhymes are prime examples of original poetry and they don't use uncommon words.
so far you've done a good edit, it will probably take a couple more in order to make the poem stand.
Okay so I know there might be some cliches in there (like the last line) but idk I guess I kind of like a small amount of cliches. I get that they may be kind of burned out and unoriginal but sometimes if you go too overboard with really original words and phrases it may confuse some of the readers that may not be as creative and open as most poets. I'm saying this as my opinion because I am one of those people that has a smaller vocabulary than most of the people that write. Don't get me wrong originality is great and everyone has it. Original ideas are the best! Reading a poem that is very creative and original is like breathing in fresh air. I'm just saying that not everyone's mind reads things the same way as others and that simple is sometimes better for those like myself. That some originality with a hint of cliche might be easier to relate to and more appealing to some readers.