In Love with The Coffeeshop Girl

[just mercedes]

Hi - I like the turn in your poem! You bring emotion without pathos, nicely handled. I think maybe you could lose some words without losing the feeling, but maybe that's just me and my need to slash everything back.


In Love with The Coffeeshop Girl

Every morning I order a double americano
(So refined!) Your use of capitals doesn't seem constant - I'd expect Americano and Continental, but none on (so refined!) and (how ...) and (he's ...)
and a fresh pastry, what kind of pastry?
(How continental!)
and write poems about The Coffeeshop Girl. The 'and' 'and' bugs me - feels too prosey.
(He's probably writing a novel...) I think the parentheses for her imagined thoughts works well.

The Coffeeshop Girl and I are in love but we're both too shy to admit it.
We tell each other in subtle ways. Do you need this line? You show it in the next two lines.
I say things like "Good Morning." I smile. I leave a tip.
She says things like "the usual?" and "have a nice day!" Are these needed? Somehow I want her responses to be in the same form as your statements - and using the same system of capitals.


I sit by the window behind a notebook and thick frames. I get the image, but this sounds a bit clunky.
Another notebook with thick frames sits at the counter, more thick frames with laptops sit at tables. too many sits
They say things like "Good Morning." They smile. They leave a tip.
She says things like "the usual?" and "have a nice day!" same response as that on the first stanza.

We all order double americanos.
(So predictable!)
We all eat the fresh pastries. needed?
(How cliché!)
We write all poems about The Coffeeshop Girl. We all write? maybe just 'and write poems ...'
(He's probably just like the rest...)
We're all in love with The Coffeeshop Girl. The repetition of The Coffee Shop Girl makes me see that you don't really know her at all, yet I still sympathize with you.

I enjoyed your poem - thanks for posting it.