A Broken Mirror

[danny_]

the story going on here is good. i really like what is being expressed. the way it is expressed needs work, of course, that's why you were willing to post here.

first let me say, please keep your originals in separate folder, for two reasons. one, the are wonderful keepsakes to look back on and see how far you've come. also, they hold all the original hot-off-the-press content that comes in a first draft, and may be good to dig back into later, such as if you deleted something good without realizing, and later you go back and see that it was good and use it again.

along with the previous advice of slimming words down as much as possible without losing meaning, try to show us some of this stuff going on. for example, paint us some face expressions and people falling over from too much wine, or if it's not that bad, at least scooping the punch out of the bowl. give us the vision.

you know the vision, we don't. it's not entirely important for the point you make with the poem, because the point is clear and i like it. but as you may have heard, it's better to "show" than "tell".