An Effort Unnoticed

[billy]

hi and welcome pht
honesty is always the best policy and hopefully will be embraced you.

it's not the best poem out there, far from it.
it is cliched throughout and forced,

a suggestion would be to write it out first as prose using everyday language.
then break it down. don't worry about rhyme just yet. work at getting something original down, look out for spelling mistakes and at this stage of your writing i'd advise the use of punctuation.

your first line is a huge cliche which sort of kills the read from the get go and hart is misspelled, which doubly kills the poem
another way to say the first line;

I hung my heart on barbed wire,
you refused to nourish it.
.....

the above is just an example . try and break down how it was done and have a nother go, maybe just a few stanza at a time.

This is a dark poem from when I was in a dark time.

AN EFFORT UNNOTICED

I put my hart on the line
For love and comfort I do pine
All I can muster
But just to a fluster

Every effort I put to the sky
Wiped away in the bank of an eye
My Hart, and mind, and body and more
All, just thrown to the floor

All I have is good intention
But all is failed to mention
To the bone my hands I do work
Only in return a smirk

2 torpedoes speed crossed
Both ships are tossed
2 wrongs does not make it right
All mixed up in a fight

My ship is going down
My hart it does pound
At first hard and fast
Now all in the past

Deeper I go
My hart begins to slow
More and more
Darker and darker

Till all is still
All is silent
No more will
No more fight

The fire gone from my eyes
The flames no more to burn
No more dreams
No more hope

I am; No more