07-20-2014, 12:53 PM
Southern Peaches
This is my first post. Very little knowledge about the mechanics,structure of poems. Any comments/suggestions would be helpful.
First Revision
Her silence,
captures his attention.
He imagines the comforting sweetness of her voice
But his comfort quickly turns into intoxication.
His eyes now upon her beauty.
The fullness of her lips,
her skin, a sweet, caramel color.
He traces her neckline with his eyes,
his heart beats heavily with his every thought.
His body paralyzed with admiration,
as he looks at her breasts.
He bites his lips, and slowly exhales.
Mind and body now exhausted with fascination.
Though he tries, he can’t look away.
He tries to keep his mind from going ahead of him,
but he fails.
His thoughts now on the music that their bodies will create.
The rhythm, slow and in sync.
Bodies in melodic harmony,
together orchestrating a symphony of pleasure.
Her caramel skin, sensuous and pleasing.
Its taste, sweet as southern peaches. "I felt like this was the end of the poem or that it should be"
The delicacy of her neck nourishes his hunger,
but only for a moment…….
I too have very little knowledge of mechanics, structure and such.
This is my first post. Very little knowledge about the mechanics,structure of poems. Any comments/suggestions would be helpful.
First Revision
Her silence,
captures his attention.
He imagines the comforting sweetness of her voice
But his comfort quickly turns into intoxication.
His eyes now upon her beauty.
The fullness of her lips,
her skin, a sweet, caramel color.
He traces her neckline with his eyes,
his heart beats heavily with his every thought.
His body paralyzed with admiration,
as he looks at her breasts.
He bites his lips, and slowly exhales.
Mind and body now exhausted with fascination.
Though he tries, he can’t look away.
He tries to keep his mind from going ahead of him,
but he fails.
His thoughts now on the music that their bodies will create.
The rhythm, slow and in sync.
Bodies in melodic harmony,
together orchestrating a symphony of pleasure.
Her caramel skin, sensuous and pleasing.
Its taste, sweet as southern peaches. "I felt like this was the end of the poem or that it should be"
The delicacy of her neck nourishes his hunger,
but only for a moment…….
I too have very little knowledge of mechanics, structure and such.