Southern Peaches

[Mungosmungo]

This is my first post. Very little knowledge about the mechanics,structure of poems. Any comments/suggestions would be helpful.




There‘s a silence to her words,
Is silence truly an adjective you want to reach for here? It seems arbitrary to begin a poem with a very vague juxtaposition of two such ideas that don't really make much of an impact. You might benefit from trying to imagine how the words effected the speaker (physically, emotionally, sensationally etc.)

yet they capture his attention. [I like this line but.. you would benefit from trying to spice up your diction when you review and edit this.]
He imagines the sweetness of her voice,
Does he really need to imagine, given that he is with her now?

sure to bring him comfort. I must say that your rhythm is quite good for a novice, I'll give you that
But his comfort quickly turns into intoxication.
This sentence seems too wordy after the relatively consistent rhythm found in the rest of the first stanza.

His eyes now upon her beauty. Weak opening line.
The fullness of her lips,
her skin, a sweet, caramel color. Dodgy punctuation work here; try separating phrases a little bit more distinctly and pointedly. Try to remember that form is generally what distinguishes prose from poetry. Though there is nothing wrong with the methods of delivery you are using, the true 'art' of poetry is the balancing of words and phrases. Paint your art lightly and with purpose!
He traces her neckline with his eyes,
his heart beats heavily with his every thought. Redundancy of 'his', and pronouns thereof.
His body paralyzed with admiration,
as he looks at her breasts. Try to show what the speaker is feeling without just stating it. Sensation, imagery, figurative language, all of these tools are at your disposal. Try to find the one that is right for what you are trying to express here. You are going for poetic expression of an idea, not a verbatim relation of information.
He bites his lips, and slowly exhales. keep that advice in mind throughout the rest of the poem
Mind and body now exhausted with fascination. Exhausted? Try to really think through all these adjectives you are trying to throw into your work. Someone in this situation would likely feel the farthest thing from exhausted; i.e. sexually primed and ready to go, excited, nervous, awed, rapturous... But very doubtfully 'exhausted'.
Though he tries, he can’t look away.
He tries to keep his mind from going ahead of him,
but he fails. consider adding a fragment on the end here to complete the coupling. See if you can find what I mean

His thoughts now on the music that their bodies will create.
The rhythm, slow and in sync.
Bodies in melodic harmony,
together orchestrating a symphony of pleasure. 'together' makes that sentence feel clunky, but the symphonic allusions and connotations are good.
Her caramel skin, sensuous and pleasing.
Its taste, sweet as southern peaches.
The delicacy of her neck nourishes his hunger,
but only for a moment…….

All in all I liked this poem. It evoked lots of emotions. I took such a critical look at it, because I feel like that is the best way to help you hone and improve your skills. I did enjoy it quite a bit, though the end feels innately incomplete. While the 'hanging' feeling I got at the end was interesting, it was not really satisfying. A statement such as the ending phrase would be better used in the middle, or right before the 'climax' of the poem.

Hopefully you take a good look at your poem with mine and other's advice in mind band welcome to the PigPen.